Rest in Peace, Tony Soprano

I confess, my first thought upon hearing the news was: Julia Roberts must be devastated. She and James Gandolfini starred in The Mexican together and had more chemistry than she had with Brad Pitt. During the promotion of the movie, Julia and James seemed very cozy, though it could have been residual pheromones from bonding with her now husband Danny Moder. Long story long, it's shocking to me that Gandolfini is now gone. 

Today has been a strange day altogether. I reviewed my Real Housewives of Orange County and can see that Gretchen and Tamra are becoming distant again. This explains why Gretchen wasn't a bridesmaid at Tamra's recent wedding. Can't we all get along? So for real female friendship, I turn again to Army Wives where in Season 7, they bring in a flock of new wives, all of whom I like more than the old ones (except Kim Delaney, my treasure, even if she guzzles several liters of V, is belligerent and slurs--I love her). I'm just waiting for Brooke Shields to appear. The clouds will part and excellence will reign over mediocrity.

Now in the evening, my mood has taken a different turn. I've gone through several pictures of stars with cellulite, not for the schadenfreude but to feel as if I'm not alone. (though it's easy to give a star cottage cheese legs if she's running)


Now here's Cher singing live on The Voice last night.

Changing Faces

Caught up on my RHoBH and my goodness, who knew evil Faye would launch such a lame attack. Who butts into conversations just because? So desperate, girlfriend. If you're so successful and don't care, be more Yolanda. I'm not sure how this franchise will stay fresh.

Just in time for Orange County, we see that Vicki Gunvalson has a new face. Massive change means even bigger insecurities. It's not her face that bothered me but more her abhorrent personality. And a penchant for dating shlubs and never having any fun.


Just in time for the premiere of Mad Men, all media outlets are obsessed with Jon Hamm's penis. Please, haven't we seen one before? I'm surprised no one said anything sooner. Don't you know old men's junk gets bigger with age? Jon's old. Maybe older than it says in IMDB. I can't believe that f*cker is younger than I am.

Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell welcome a baby girl: Lincoln. WTF????

What in Blazes is Tom Wearing?

I'm really glad Tom is in NYC, but these jeans offend my eyes. Call me a fan of the wide-legged pant but don't they make his gams look tiny? These are important issues. At least he can pick up Suri. What a nice daddy. Wonder if Tom and Katie will see each other face to face.

Miss Advised: I can't help but feel strongly for these three dating experts. For many many many years, I went through the EXACT same things: horrible and confusing dates, the "don't be your total self" stuff, obsessing and invites to be the third party in threesomes. Bleck. It's hard to be a "good girl" in this world. I'm thankful I don't have to waste energy on this anymore, that I can be myself with someone who's better than I'd expected any spouse could be. I just want to wrap Emily, Amy and Julia in a great big Dish hug. It wouldn't be pervy at all. (Amy, I totally went out with a Lewis--exactly to a tee--and you were SO great to just walk out of the restaurant and in high heels! I wasted 6 months on what should have been two dates! Maybe I did that several times...)

The Real Housewives of Orange County, Reunion 2: Even TG started to get into it with the yelling, accusations and the bitchery. This one was tame and the wives all acknowledges their flaws. What the hell? Have feeling Vicki is on the verge of dumping Brooks. But if she's happy, why not date him? It's like my relationship with ice cream.

Last night's offenses: I started reading Portia Di Rossi's Unbearable Lightness and at the point where she describes upchucking Cheetos, my craving for the snack became almost unbearable. The more she obsessed about weight, the more I had to step on a scale. Every food she describes bingeing on, I must have. Like nachos. YUM! Loving this book, feeling admiration for Portia, but my brain is obviously twisted.

The Bachelorette--More Spoilers

This could be a complete ploy to f*ck with Dish's head (most things are), but Perez is reporting that there are Bachelorette spoilers beyond the spoilers. Perhaps, Dish's wish for Emily will come true.

On a more tragic, non-wedding note, Vera Wang is separating from her hubby of five kajillion years. I wish I could feel bad but she makes so much damn money. Money can keep you warm on a cold day, especially if you hire Eddie Cy-Brain's character from Living Out Loud to rub out your troubles.


Real Housewives Updates (Your Group of Girlfriends in the Technology Age):

RHoOC Reunion: Jesus Jugs. The bird flying into Andy Cohen. The monstrous blond hair that took over Tamra and Gretchen's heads. The super-trampy outfits--okay for sunny OC but total Ross Dress for Less hooker in New York. Heather is the only normal one (flawless lip gloss, BTW). I could criticize and judge the whole lot of them but, turns out, I like them all passionately. Sure, Alexis is as dumb as a box of hair, is married to Dr. Strange and won't let criticism penetrate her cotton candy brain, but I still like her. I don't know why. They all seem to be better than the men they've chosen (except for Heather--he's a rich doctor, who are we kidding).

RHoNY: The London trip makes me want to travel and poor Ramona is back giving classes at the Learning Annex. Remember those classes? Dish took one to be more social. What a bomb! They split us up into smaller groups (the way lazy speakers often do) and I was stuck making small talk with Toupee and Grandpa.

Really Real

Real Housewives of New York: Sonja is starting a catering company*. Twitchy Ramona gives her advice on business. LuAnn wants to breed with Jacques--cool, she and I can go get our decrepit haggy eggs tested. Carole is so over all of it. Aviva has phobias (identical to mine) but long flowing blonde hair and a whipped husband to make up for it. I dunno, the ladies don't quite mesh this season. It's hanging by a thread with the animosity between Lu & Ram, Ram & Hez. Bring back Jill Zarin and Alex McCord to stir up the fun!

Real Housewives of Orange County: Really, eating a bow off of someone else's cake at a party is okay? Really, Sarah? How drunk are you? I have the feeling this is the only excitement available. Team Heather.

*Please, she should start a Tarot reading service and pimp out Dish's psychic gifts.

Are the Lambs Still Screaming?

The idea of a trip to Costa Rica with four girlfriends I don't really like sounds like torture, but I'd power through and maybe start drinking (okay, this won't happen). Last night's Real Housewives of Orange County showed me that a TV sensation can be based on minutia--though I love the idea of women hanging out together. Tamra can't help but wiggle her tush and call people out. Slade won't get his act together. Alexis will never take criticism from loved ones. Last night, the girls had an intervention to tell A, "you're so annoying" but she didn't take the hint. I might not have either. Interventions aren't so fair, unless life/death. Can you tell I've never been intervened? Yeah, because I don't do anything scandalous. That will change in a few minutes, she says eyeing a big bag of Doritos.

Pictures of Anne Hathaway doing Les Miz make me laugh. I intend to howl through the entire thing. Official trailer for the movie appeared and disappeared from the web.

I escaped from life by reading RoseMarie Terenzio's Fairytale Interrupted. Who is she? JFK jr.'s faithful assistant and she hasn't spilled her story until now. She is one feisty, tough-as-nails broad. I'd let her can run my life anytime. Exquisitely page-turning, this one.

Showing us why she's in the fourth hour of Today, Kathie Lee Gifford made a horrific gaffe with Martin Short, asking after his wife, who died two years ago. There is video footage but I can't bear to watch it. Hosts need to prepare before they interview ANYONE.

Lost co-stars at war: Dominic Monaghan forced me to follow him on Twitter when he openly accused Matthew Fox of beating women (repeatedly). Drunken Tweet? It wasn't recanted or removed. If true, bravo to DM for his steely Lord of the Ring cojones.

The More Celeb Babies, The Prettier the World Becomes...

Fitness goddess Jillian Michaels is now mom of two since she adopted a bambina from Haiti and her partner had a boy. (I smell a reality show) Dish is not a fan of yoga but Jillian makes it seem like aerobics in her power yoga DVD, which I bought a year ago and used once. Congrats, you crazy kids!

Childless Anderson Cooper showed his usual integrity by dissing a bad mommy. I applaud his just kicking an a-hole off his show. I change subway cars all the time when someone is talking too loudly or just being rank. Life is too short.

But it's not too short to discuss Dr. Oz controversial wang photo in Good Housekeeping. TG thought it was an unfortunate angle, that Dr. Oz had something in his pocket (like his penis) and we should give him a break. This reminds me of the time at age four, I walked in on our house-guests stark naked. They acted amused but I was shocked. And yet I didn't want to leave the room. Same thing here, I kinda want to see the pic, but I'm still disturbed.

Reality Observations: My vote is now Arie as the winner of Emily Maynard's heart on The Bachelorette. I lost interest in Doug when he used the term "check it" (which means, be quiet and mindful of what you're saying) and Ryan's pinhead hair distracts me. Plus, I saw on his love letter to Emily all the scribbles, which means he does things half-assed. On RHoOC, was touched by Heather changing to her husband's last name after 15 years of marriage. Dish also changed the last name at an advanced age. Rumor has it that Bethenny and Jason are on the verge of divorce. This has been ongoing since they met. Makes me sad, but not surprised. Relationships are complicated. I've grown to like them together.

TG and I are obsessed with The Shield and the bald brilliance of Michael Chiklis. It is who we are.

I Don't Care If Ashley Judd Has Gotten Plastic Surgery

Ashley Judd has been accused of having plastic surgery but her rep claims she has major sinus issues. Dish also has major sinus issues and my face has never been that swollen. She's always pretty but let's call a spade a spade. That said, I *love* her in thrillers. It's that VOICE--so calm, so take-no-prisoners. I'm ready for this Missing series. I wish she worked more.

HBO's Luck was canceled after third horse dies. The horses are like stunt people and stunt people die. No, I'm just kidding, how awful. Let's say neigh to HBO! They are majorly screwed. (Tho not sure this was a winner in the first place).

Caught up with my RHoOC and thank goodness. The hellacious fight between Vicki and Gretchen was so delicious in its violence, I will continue with this series. I felt terrible for Alexis going in to nose surgery, but at least she has the Lord. While I have nothing in common with her, I have this feeling she--and all the housewives--might be interesting one-on-one. Though Vicki seems too menstrual this season for Dish. Her ride with her sick daughter was awful to watch--though I might have done the same thing. I'm the worst person to have an emergency with because it's all about me.

Last note: Russell Brand was arrested for throwing a phone out the window. How lame is that?

It's All Downhill From Here...

But Downhill is easier than Uphill. I'm not sure what I mean, just that I have celebrity DTs--such great heights and now, eating cheap crackers and peanut butter. Must. Get. On. TV. Again. Fast! I'm not willing to drink donkey spunk, run off with the guitarist of Journey or lie on the couch dissing people then stuffing a Kardashian-sized burrito in my face (oh wait, never mind on this last one). My "normal" life is pretty durn awesome...except no one has stopped me on the street since the airing, which distresses me.

Quick remarks because I have to watch my television clip again. TG has created loop.

1. Kobe Bryant and wife might be reconciling since a photo of their smooching has surfaced! It must be love since she would have gotten kazillions in a divorce. Vanessa obvious hasn't learned the Dishrule never to date an athlete, except if you earn a giant payoff in a divorce. Well, even then...

2. Real Housewives of Orange County: the new housewife, Heather, seems just fine, a refreshing brunette. I might be done with OC because the boredom factor is just too high. The only drama is that Peggy effed Alexis's husband years ago and never said anything. It's a rule on OC that your mate is either an emoting loser or richndorky.

3. Kourtney was asked to carry Khloe's baby. Bahahahah! This sounds like a giant load of BS. Why not ask Kim? It might take her mind off the divorce.