New Members of the Get a Life Club

Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller and some judge are feudin' and gaggin' over custody of the twins, who must be so severely damaged by their crazy rents that TG and I are ready to open our loving arms to these boys, bring them into our dusty cubicle of an apartment and raise them to read books, be snootie-mcsnoots about mediocrity and eat Poptarts (we love those). Welcome to the club.

Tom Cruise allegedly alleges that his stunt work is like a tour of Afghanistan. Just uttering something close to this is blasphemy. I don't even say "military" since I might be misunderstood. You don't mess with the soldiers. They actually face death. Tom is just fine--sipping on his vitamin-enriched space juice. Welcome to the club, Tom. And me too because, hell, I love all his movies, even the shitty ones. Love ya, Tom, even though you kinda suck!

Doug and Courtney--fighting for their love, or separated. Can't tell but let's see how much we can cling desperately to fame by making out in public and say that we're separated. Here's what Dish thinks. She wants to bang someone else. I mean fifty more years with this guy? I can't take another hour! Get my fake boobs and schoolgirl laugh outta the House of Ben Gay.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Loving the 'tude. Loving the filler on Brandi's face. Love that she has such a hot boyfriend and their awkwardness on television. They just want to run into a bathroom and boink since talking is so strange for them. New brunette housewives, but waiting for the claws. Get a life because this show won't last that much longer.

Vanderpump Rules: Losers keep dating and breaking up with losers. Get a life, gorgeous waitstaff.

Parenthood: My love for Lauren Graham grows each day. I love how she's gained weight since her Gilmore Girl years. She's a normal woman, beautiful, luscious, fun and makes me feel the same way. Plus, only she can help make Ray Romano hotter than hell. They don't need to get lives because they sizzle our socks off.

Changing Faces

Caught up on my RHoBH and my goodness, who knew evil Faye would launch such a lame attack. Who butts into conversations just because? So desperate, girlfriend. If you're so successful and don't care, be more Yolanda. I'm not sure how this franchise will stay fresh.

Just in time for Orange County, we see that Vicki Gunvalson has a new face. Massive change means even bigger insecurities. It's not her face that bothered me but more her abhorrent personality. And a penchant for dating shlubs and never having any fun.


Just in time for the premiere of Mad Men, all media outlets are obsessed with Jon Hamm's penis. Please, haven't we seen one before? I'm surprised no one said anything sooner. Don't you know old men's junk gets bigger with age? Jon's old. Maybe older than it says in IMDB. I can't believe that f*cker is younger than I am.

Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell welcome a baby girl: Lincoln. WTF????

Barbara Stanwyck is a Goddess

I saw Double Indemnity and didn't get what the fuss was about. Stanwyck, Shwanwyck. You don't necessarily love everyone, right? Then I watched The Thorn Birds this weekend and now I get how she's amazing. Just watch this. Isn't she awesome/creepy? Maybe I just hated her hair in Double Indemnity. It's really hideous. Must go back through her repertoire. This will take months...

I'm catching up with my stories:

Smash: Is Debra Messing pregnant? I'm mystified by her maternity tops, though her wardrobe on the show has been rather fug. I might officially give up. The "talented" young artist Karen discovers is lame. His music is like what I just heard my cat hack up behind the couch. I will do anything for J-Hud and A-Hust, but the direction is just not one I like (I've been saying this since Day #1). Not only that but Jersey Boys's Matt Bogart was only on for three seconds, which is a waste of talent. If my DVR accidentally still records the show, okay, I'll watch obsessively every Tuesday.

Real Housewives of BH: Adrienne and Camille not on the reunion show. Hmmm. Okay. Just bring on Brandi. Wondering if there will be any catfighting at all. Put Faye on the couch.

Vanderpump Rules: ____ like _____ like ______like

Deadly Valentine Star News

Forgive me, I couldn't bear to deal with the whole Oscar Pistorius alleged murder of Reeva Steenkamp story. The rags have splashed her photo everywhere. It's so Lifetime. I bought the Post, which filled me with self-loathing until I ate three See's chocolates after which I ran seven miles. An ugly tale.

Hey, great news, former Extra hostess Dayna Devon might join the RHoBH! This is a major score because the cast just isn't blond enough. It's rumored that Taylor Armstrong will not return. This hurts me since I enjoyed her scary, drunken outbursts since I have those moments too--just without the alcohol or outburst part. My vibe tells me Adrienne will go, too, since her presence this season--aside from the understated catfight with Brandi--has been limited. Oh wait, I take that back. They'll evict Kim, give her some coloring books and candy necklaces. Dish is right there with her, testing out the updated Ghost Radar app for iPad. (It works!)

In celebrity law: Kris Humphries's lawyer is gone so he needs a new one to keep up the farce that is marriage to a Kardashian. I long for the day when Kardashian goes the way of Paris Hilton. Even more mind numbing, that LeAnn Rimes is still in the news and not for singing! She's allegedly suing her dentist for messing up her teeth. Reminds me, I need to get my front tooth evened out pronto before anyone notices. In college I opened a beer bottle and chipped one. It's like a badge of honor to my stupidity. That was, like, 23 5 years ago.

The State of My Pizza

It's lukewarm but delicious, meshing nicely with three See's chocolates--because 3 is not as bad as 4. Will hide wrappings from TG who won't have a clue what just happened. Or where I am in The Bachelor (he's on the menage a quatre, making these ladies carsick with his driving). I honestly don't know who Sean should pick: Adopted Ashley--She's a little heavy, as in so much baggage. If he marries her, she'll have these solemn realizations while he just want to do somersaults on the trampoline. She'd make a good wife. Sassy Catherine--Very adorable girl, though heavy also with 2 awful life events. Tiera--disaster, run. Katie Holmes--cute, real, who knows. Makeout Girl Who Sleeps Naked: Not serious enough. The Blonde--sure. No one is really standing out as his wife. So important.

Right now, the whole Chris Dorner standoff-nightmare might be ending. Is it my imagination or are people snapping more than they used to? Or maybe we're getting more on tape.

I push down the harshness of real life with some fake Real Housewife of Beverly Hills, standing firmly with Team Brandi/Lisa. I'm trying to believe that nothing is staged but when I saw Faye crash the tea party, I realized producers probably pushed her on stage...well, I doubt she needed pushing. I'd be there in a hot second as the city's top gatherer of black cat hair. If you use a damp sponge, the hair comes right up.

Alec Baldwin has impregnated his wife.

Not Much for a Saturday...

...except that Dish has procured a celebrity LETTER, handwritten (probably by an assistant) but it's mine, mine, mine. It's not addressed to me, but I have it. Will spend all day tomorrow analyzing handwriting.

Camille Grammer is not returning to RHoBH which makes me respect her even more. What a sane decision, though it'll be sad not to see her.

The rumor mill has Ashton and Rihanna dating. This smells like fabrication to revive their reps. Now that he's Demi-less, people don't see him as so interesting and with all the Chris Brown flack, Rihanna seems emotionally crippled. Why not put them together?

KK might be pressing charges against the woman who threw flour at her. Really? I'd be pissed in case it was anthrax, but following through on this seems like a big nothing.

So Glad I Don't Work in Television!

Dish must remain cryptic about television appearance for another week--maybe another 5 days--but TG and I did our taping today. We enjoyed our one minute of air-time, though the 5 hours of waiting without adequate snacks took its toll. Don't get me wrong, we would do it again and again. Just next time, we're bringing work and a suitcase full of breakfast and lunch. The host of the show was as cute as a bug's ear. Still, we didn't get to meet her or him. We were quarantined from all celebrities--which we understood as normal (Anderson spoiled us rotten). At this taping, I *did* recognize the brother of one of my FAVORITEST moviestars and this was enough to make me hyperventilate. Proximity to a star or shared celebrity DNA is enough for Dish! Everyone associated with Adorable Host was lovely and helpful. The makeup artist was a delight and she gave me Kris Jenner eyes, which has opened new avenues for future Sephora outings. My hair turned out like crap, and I blame my overuse of Aveda's anti-humectant pommade and the sad mistake of thinking I can live without JJ for one second (I won't make that mistake again). So I look like the Human League from 30 years ago. At least I had my moment in the sun and you'll see soon how wonderful my husband is.

Other news:

1. M.I.A. split with gazillionaire beau/babydaddy. Maybe that's what the finger was for--or just to the universe itself.

2. Real Housewives of BH Reunion 2: I hated Brandi at first but now I love her, especially since she admitted to slashing her cheating ex's tires. What a complicated person you don't want to mess with. She's like the Oracle of Delphi. A truth teller, especially on taboo topics. Power to strong women!

3. Downton Abbey: I may be killed for saying this but I'm not enjoying this season as much. All the war stuff is so depressing. Wanna make a bet William's wiener will start working again, which will disrupt all of Mary's plans? Let's get back to Bates.

4. Proposition 8 ruled unconstitutional today! Wahoo!

5. Demi Moore is in rehab and apparently not allowed to look at the scale. I won't if you won't, Demi!!! I need Spanx for my Spanx!

I Rode the Elevator with Peter Riegert!

5:27 pm, somewhere in Manhattan. I saw the opportunity and I took it. I flew into the elevator containing only one other passenger. Of course, I averted my gaze because I couldn't look at The Sun aka Peter Riegert.It took all my strength not to ask, "Are you The Pickle Man?" If you're a girl, this reference is obvious (Crossing Delancey). Instead I said, "Good night, you awesome venerable judge and lawyer on crime dramas." My knees are still weak.

On to news and updates:

So many X Factor judges gone! Dish never watched but is this to drum up new excitement? Can it compete with The Voice and AI?

The Bachelor: I fantasize that one of the girls will get the stomach flu and give it all around--two hours of vileness coming out of both ends. It really is a petri dish for germs. But true love is being sick with your love.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion: I'm not sure if it was the lighting, but the gals looked like dog-sh*t last night. Maloof resembles her own Muppet and I wanted to say, enough procedures. They are all attractive as is. To me, Camille and Kyle looked the least plastic. They bickered about a whole lotta nothing.

Kourtney and Kim Take New York: Kim's distancing from her new husband Kris and how the relationship kept filling her with anxiety and panic--I understand! Twice, I made a commitment (not engagement) to the wrong man and felt life spiraling out of control. I didn't want to hurt a good person and I had to. So, you see, Kim Kardashian and I are so similar. Kim, I did get a furry tailmy fairy tale in my the end. TG is my Prince Charming each and every day--worth the wait.

Chord Overstreet and Emma Roberts are no more. I feel sad for Chord since this means a distancing from The Julia.

Dish Finally Has Ugly Feet

It's from all the running I've done of late. J.J. once saw a famous dancer's feet in the subway and he said they looked like penises sticking out of her shoes. Wear and tear. But who wants to talk about this?

Madonna is to perform at the Superbowl halftime show. They just keep bringing out the classics. At least we know she'll put on a good show. She demands nothing less than 110%. It would be very sexy if she came out in a football uniform then stripped down to a bikini in winter. This is the Madonna way.

E-hostess Giuliana Rancic announced that early treatments for her breast cancer were not so successful and she is undergoing a double mastectomy. This kind of in-the-thick-of-it revelation strikes me as brave and especially validating for those undergoing similar treatment. I'd be shivering under the covers. Best wishes that this surgery works. Giuliana needs a better year in 2012, STAT.

Dish's doppleganger Shaun White was caught bare-assed in racy photos. Do not pose nude if you're a celebrity. And especially not if you're a red-head and a celebrity. The jokes last forever.

Rosie O'Donnell is engaged but Karina Smirnoff is no longer. RHoBH Kim Richards has entered rehab. For what, Dish asks? I thought she was just a drunk, but on a recent episode she revealed she was a pill-popper. All those meds seemed valid to me. Trazodone, Lexipro and Topamax = depression, anxiety, seizure, those are the essentials. If sobriety means her no longer jerking and slurring and wearing those neck-hiding blouses with the 80s tie, I'm against it!

Really, People Magazine?

Bradley Cooper is People's Sexiest Man Alive. They get it wrong every year (except for Mark Harmon and JFK jr) but at least it's someone who's reached his prime within a couple years of this issue--and not 10 years prior. I see his eyes and think Serial Killer Who Must Kill Cat Downstairs. Well, he speaks better French than I do and that makes me mad.

I'm starting a new franchise: Hottest Person Who's Six Feet Under. This year, my vote is for Copernicus because he said Earth revolved around the sun, which is HOT.

Alleged With-Bieber-out-of-wedlock-procreator Maria Yeater dropped her paternity suit against the little tyke. Maybe she found a better babydaddy. Like Jesus?

I've relearned a lesson thanks to the most recent Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Women who starve themselves are more likely to have a crazy meltdown. Witness Taylor going off on the Vanderpump. A normal person with normal blood sugar would accept an apology and explanation and move on. This was truly the precipice of hell itself and, gosh, I hope she's doing better now. I like Taylor, weird party for her child and all.

This pains me: The Iron Lady trailer looks positively wretched. I love Meryl to pieces, but this is a stinker. Or at least the trailer captures the corniest moments with Meryl needing to scale back. Not the Iron Lady but Julia Child--UK! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDiCFY2zsfc.

The Host with The Most Is Back...

Ladies and Gentlemen, you can all breathe a sigh of relief. The paler than Dish host you want has materialized, just in time to retrieve the wreckage from the bottom of the barrel. Richard Simmons's Billy Crystal's mighty pecs quiver with manliness as he stares down at the pitiful, unfunny, waste of time the Oscars have been in recent years with much funnier yet less-magic-touch-possessing hosts. BC nestles the limp phallus that was the mighty Oscars in his loving, ripped arms. Will Oscar live again? (wish Ricky could have done 2 shows...)

Just caught up on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Did Kelsey Grammer *really* cross-dress? No biggie, I mean, I learned on Divorce Court that this *is* a hetero thing. No judgment here just gossipy. Many pot-shots taken on his masculinity this season. Don't blame the wives one bit. Imagining him in red satin teddy.

Dominating the news is the fired Penn State football coach and ongoing rape cover-up. Nothing beats the vileness of the abuse itself but outraged crowds supporting those who covered it up belong in landfill.

Dish being very castrating.

Demi and Ashton: Is It True?

An End of Days clue came last year with whispers of Ashton straying. Ash & Demi then posed seductively on Twitter afterwards, with her arms and legs all over his. Phew, marriage intact. Now there are more whispers, with Demi hinting oh so cryptically that maybe life ain't so rosy with a man who could be Dish's son (using high science). Posting/not posting on Twitter is clear evidence of clear BS to Dish. I believe all was done for a while. Most stars break up. I just want to know...when will Bruce and Demi get back together?

RHoBH: New housewives Brandi Glanville is branding herself as a bitch, but I'm so over it. There are enough bitches in the housewives franchise. How is she different? Does she read books? It's sad to see how Taylor *is* getting frighteningly skinny. I say, send her and her daughter to Canyon Ranch for at least six months. I'll join!

A List New York: I keep saying I'll stop watching but I can't. It's Gay White Trash.

Dr. Conrad Murray's trial is happening. My problem with this is, yes, he was probably irresponsible. But so many other doctors are involved...and Michael Jackson did the bulk of the damage to himself in his adult years.

Frozen Faces and Real Grief on RHoBH

I expected far worse on last night's Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, like really in-your-face moments parading Russell Armstrong in front of the cameras. Critics wanted the network to pull the show, but who are we kidding? Lose money when the ratings could be huge? The wives address the suicide at the beginning in a short get-together. The grief seemed genuine, though Dish giggled over the inability to express emotion due to buckets of Botox. You could see the wives tried hard and the sadness was conveyed through the eyes and the odd grimace. Gotta love these wives. I find them the most likable of all the wives as a group, though they've FOR SURE had the most face work (and wear expensive clothes that look very cheap). Loved the bickering at the dinner table. I can relate!!!

Two great items: Eddie Murphy will be hosting the Oscars! He has made some loathsome movies but he is FUNNY. Donkey is a genius character and I am rooting for him to bring joy back to the deadly dull Oscars. Also, this just in: Duran Duran was named GQ's Lifetime Men of the Year. Could life get any better?

Yes, it can. Here is Donald Sutherland talking about farting: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0zOprG-K48I.

Psssssssssssssssssssssssss, Mon Bladder Is, How You Say, Overflowing...

When the flight attendant told him to wait to use the loo, Gerard Depardieu peed in the aisle. They had to clean for 2 hours after. Il make le powerful Whizz. Witnesses said he was tanked. His camp said he tried to peed in a bottle but spilled some on the carpet. "What a foul man," TG said, strong words since we are both Francophiles.

Still sad about Russell Armstrong's suicide. I watched RHoBH, therefore, I knew him personally. No really, it's the kind of news that makes you remember how much -- Julia says it best -- nonsense it all is. Love is the answer.

You know, I've been reading Gossipcop.com for a while and it's harshing my mellow. All these outlandish--obviously untrue--headlines are soundly rejected as false. How sassy of them to go against the fun lies? Though their writers are quite engaging.

The news today hasn't been good so I consoled myself with the latest Bachelor Pad (I know, I said I wouldn't) and wound up in tears at the end over a touching gesture of love between two contestants. If you watch, you know what I'm talking about. There *are* some normal people on these shows. Everyone else is barking crazy.

Reality Suicide

Holy freaking crapwagons: Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Taylor Armstrong's husband Russell committed suicide, found dead last night. It seems severe financial problems and recent divorce filing pushed him over the edge. Yish. I'm sure having your entire life scrutinized on reality TV didn't help! Poor bastard. It's just awful that his three kids will have to live with this. There's a ton of blame going around, but Dish feels that suicide is one person's fault. Some people have a breaking point when it comes to dealing with hellish circumstances.

In lighter news: Jessica Simpson is not preggo most likely because she was seen staggering drunk recently. So, the bottom line is that she's just F*A*T, as in a normal weight by most of our standards. Enjoy it, girl!

I'm just happy that Sean Hayes is back on TV soon with a new series where he plays a gay dad raising a child with his partner. On NBC! Can life get better? Yes! Jennifer Aniston will appear on Days of Our Lives as her real-life father's wedding planner. I'm set.

The Elephant in the Room

For a few years now I've wondered when Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony would divorce, which is cruel of me. They announced their split yesterday. I remember when they got married. June 5, 2004, the day Ronald Reagan died (I think). What a sweet couple, though it seemed like a rebound marriage. She'd been engaged to Ben Affleck and Marc Anthony had only recently divorced from his wife. Jennifer is larger than life, a burst of sunshine on the screen. Every time she appeared with MA, she seemed bigger--though I have a large faction of Marc Anthony fans who felt she tainted him and his career. He's looked terrible of late, withering to nothing and hiding behind sunglasses. I won't speculate any more. I just hope the split is amicable for them both.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills wife Taylor is divorcing Russell, who seemed like a total jackass. Maybe he volunteered for a shelter in his spare time. Benefit of the doubt?

In happier news, Nick Lachey and Vanessa Manillo finally got married in a private ceremony away from the hullabaloo. Yeah, I'm sure their nuptials would have been flooded with paps. Forgive the snarkiness. TG has strep throat. Today is our six-month anniversary but he is on the couch, healing. Even sick, he is a joy to be with.