Changing Faces

Caught up on my RHoBH and my goodness, who knew evil Faye would launch such a lame attack. Who butts into conversations just because? So desperate, girlfriend. If you're so successful and don't care, be more Yolanda. I'm not sure how this franchise will stay fresh.

Just in time for Orange County, we see that Vicki Gunvalson has a new face. Massive change means even bigger insecurities. It's not her face that bothered me but more her abhorrent personality. And a penchant for dating shlubs and never having any fun.


Just in time for the premiere of Mad Men, all media outlets are obsessed with Jon Hamm's penis. Please, haven't we seen one before? I'm surprised no one said anything sooner. Don't you know old men's junk gets bigger with age? Jon's old. Maybe older than it says in IMDB. I can't believe that f*cker is younger than I am.

Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell welcome a baby girl: Lincoln. WTF????

Did You Get Chills Seeing the Trailer for "Dallas"?

I sure did! I cannot wait to get my fill of the dastardly JR and angelic Bobby. Those fierce Texans knocked my socks off when I was 10, they'll do it again when I'm...um... younger than all the members of Duran Duran! This show lassoed my heart and I dreamt of becoming a drunken housewife like the breathy Sue Ellen. Finally, let there be geezer sex...with a Stetson!

I'm catching up on my stories:

The Bachelorette: I don't know how Emily is going to pick from all the guys. I really don't. My money is still on Arie but Jef is kinda cool despite his zygote-ish looks. Still seems mid-pube.

Just saw finale: Screw you, Mad Men!

The Tonys: Have loved Judith Light since One Life to Live. She can do no wrong and she scares me. Matthew Broderick--what was he DOING? Why does everyone sound British? NPH awesome as always. It's true, the real talents are in the theater. Sorry, Dishbrothersidekick, no way are you right about Hugh.

Damn You, SJP and Obama!

Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. President, how dare you lure me with a star-tastic fundraiser dinner at SJP's apartment (which I think is close to mine so I won't need car service--FYI). That's hitting below the belt. I loves my Sex and the City. I loves my Hillary Clinton Obama. The idea of a free dinner at the home of Sarah, Matthew, John Wilkes Booth McConaughey Broderick and the girl-twins--well, I am a whore for such sumptuous personal-chef-cooked celebrity goodness. I clicked on the Sign Me Up button, which took me to Obama's donor page. Yes, I donated for the tiny chance I might win. It's tax deductible, right? Oh wait...maybe not. And you know I probably won't get picked because I never win anything*. Screwed by the celebs AGAIN! No new J-Crew dress for me this week...

And if I couldn't get any whorier, I got a Duran Duran Fan VIP email signing me up for the chance to win super-secret tickets to a spontaneous NYC concert during the week they're on GMA (6/18, everybody watch). Imagine, I'll soon be breathing the same polluted oxygen as my brave heroes. This devoted fan is dreaming big!!!

Nothing else going on but the stars in their bikinis. And Mad Men. Trying not to read spoiler alerts...I heard something really bad happened involving Lane. Ugh...he represents our collective vulnerabilities. We can't all be the steel that is Don Draper.

*except for the Jackpot of Life with a wonderful family, including a gorgeous and sweet husband.

Tuesday's Lies

NYC today--effing disgusting gorgeous with just a touch of whimsy. I threw on my brightest dress and set off for a fabulous day. I hustled, I bustled. Everything fell into place. I came home to an airy and spotless apartment. Now I'm indulging in quinoa, edamame with some salmon and fresh veggies. The cat is not pissing on the floor.

Did you watch last night's The Bachelorette: That Emily, I just want to carry her around in my shirt pocket. She sparkles and twangs and y'alls me into good humor I am not a lesbian except for that one time. On last night's episode she went to Dollywood, where the Dolly herself came out to perform. I could feel Dishbrothersidekick's bliss from 75 blocks away. Dolly blessed the young woman's romantic search, citing her own long marriage (Hershey, you need to Hulu this). My choices for Emily are Chris or Arie. She had chemistry with Chris and his bashfulness was adorable. Arie just seems like a pleasant and cool guy though might need Crest White Strips.

Mad Men: The Political Correctness police is scandalized over Joan's actions, as if trading sexual favors is a new thing or that she had much of a choice. What I found more upsetting was staying with her husband after he raped her. Sex for power/survival has existed since the dawn of man. Is it so surprising that she'd take one for the team? During that time period, I might have done the same thing--were I not married. She will win in the end.

Dish is ruthless.

Don't Ever Doubt Me Again

The Shows (mild spoiler alerts):

Nurse Jackie: My politically correct self is happy she's in rehab. Devilish Dish wants her to keep taking pills because she's so good at it. Those furtive snorts are genius.

The Killing: The most exciting thing was the nurse putting in Billy Campbell's catheter (you know where).

The Big C: Kinda lame after the AMAZING finale from last season. She gets drunk.

Mad Men: Joan is *back*. Would love her to do a book on how to be a productive vixen.

Lamar Odom leaves the Mavericks, which means he and Khloe are destitute. You gotta wonder if Kardashianism has become cursed, or at least for the boys. One could discuss how emasculating female archetypes (yes, I'm talking to you, Helen and Clytemnestra) are thriving. I like strong women. Just wish these K. powerhouses were more articulate and cracked books. Celebrity Book Club with Dish? I'm about to read House of the Seven Gables by Nathaniel Hawthorne. Squeee!

Today I had to watch Anderson to see my second favorite hypnotist (first is Dishfriendsincediapers) Dr. Paul McKenna put guests into trances and AC's scornful reaction. I will attest to McKenna's awesomeness. He puts me to sleep every night. If you're an insomniac, BUY HIS BOOK, then download accompanying CD onto your iPod.

Happy Birthday, Steven Tyler!

With this headline, other news makes me yawn--such as:

Dish-birthday-sharer Brian Austin Green might be sued for allegedly being mean to a pap, Rob Kardashian arrested for a joke gone bad with a pap. Maybe the moral of the story is: Stay away, Paps! Take pictures of me instead. I may be old and not as thin as the celebs but I promise I'm infinitely more interesting. And I will answer all your questions IN LURID DETAIL! The camera loves me and the feeling is mutual.

The Hunger Games had a record breaking weekend.

Bobby Brown was arrested for DUI. Tra la la la!

What did you think of last night's Mad Men? Dish almost fell asleep at the wheel after twenty minutes but powered through to the bitter end. With so much television to choose from, should I let go of this stylish yet slow-paced show?

Are You Rizzoli or Isles?

Dish wants to be Rizzoli but is very firmly in the Isles camp. I can't help it! J.J. is Rizzoli x 10. Hershey Kiss is Isles, as is Dishmama. I've been very empowered by all the female-focused shows. All you need is a strong babe (or two) at the helm, give her sass and surround her with intriguing characters. It hasn't been working as well with guy focused shows: Men of a Certain Age, the new Saved by the Bell actor law show (Bash & Turner?), Big Shots, The Defendants, etc...Even in Mad Men, you need some vixens in great clothes.

Today in gossip: Rumors of J.Lo cheating with the Brad Pitt of Cuba who is now accused of something like sexual battery? Not appealing or resembling the truth. Whispers of impending split between Russell Brand and Katy Perry. I'm so very bored. Perhaps I'm developing standards. Say it ain't so. Looking furiously for episode of Real Housewives of New York City.