Omarosa Saves!!!

Remember how a few years ago Omarosa Stallworth was that b*tch we loved to hate? She picked fights with everyone, including Bethenny, Wendy Williams and Piers Morgan. I never bought her treachery because often TV bitchery is just simple fame-whoring. What lies beneath is a heart of gold. I know, I couldn't say that with a straight face either. Say what you will, Omarosa came to Michael Clarke Duncan's rescue early this morning as he went into some cardiac arrest distress. Because I love Duncan, I now love Omarosa.

American Idol is officially screwed since J.Lo and Steven Tyler quit. Ain't no sunshine when she's gone -- both of them. A flower can't grow without the water of Aerosmith's lead singer or the sweet nectar of our favorite maid in Manha'in. I didn't watch this season, and I double-won't-watch next.

Today in quotable TG: "Life is more than just protein." It's funny because he tells this to the cat.

Happy Birthday, Steven Tyler!

With this headline, other news makes me yawn--such as:

Dish-birthday-sharer Brian Austin Green might be sued for allegedly being mean to a pap, Rob Kardashian arrested for a joke gone bad with a pap. Maybe the moral of the story is: Stay away, Paps! Take pictures of me instead. I may be old and not as thin as the celebs but I promise I'm infinitely more interesting. And I will answer all your questions IN LURID DETAIL! The camera loves me and the feeling is mutual.

The Hunger Games had a record breaking weekend.

Bobby Brown was arrested for DUI. Tra la la la!

What did you think of last night's Mad Men? Dish almost fell asleep at the wheel after twenty minutes but powered through to the bitter end. With so much television to choose from, should I let go of this stylish yet slow-paced show?

Where's Mariska Hargitay When I Need Her?

Spotted, Steven Tyler topless in Maui. He has a perky set of man-hooters.

After mostly taking an all-nighter due to the scary rantings of a lunatic (every one has a few of these, am I right?), I woke to the police knocking on my door. Two of New York's finest were cordial and asking if I knew about the sweet old lady next door and could I find the super to open her door for them. Dish to the rescue! They even used my facilities. Long story short, the sweet old lady had died a few days before. I'm not sure why this makes me happy. Maybe because she's in a better place, is probably happier now. She was quite ill and lived by herself. It puts the lunatics into perspective. TG is sad he missed all the fun, though I'm sure he would have gotten more involved in transporting the body and wondering about switching apartments.

When Dish hears about The Bachelor contestants threatening to rip a %*($*'s face off, the DVR must be set to record. Ben seems functional as this year's bachelor, a bit too Beta but most definitely the lovechild of Keanu and Nadal. I already know who should win (Kacie, the administrative assistant) and who's too batshit crazy (that blogger chick) to stay but will to keep the show interesting, which it's not.

Sandra Bernhard hates on Kathy Griffin which is beyond stupid. Jealous much of Kathy's success? I do enjoy them both but loathe when women bash each other like this, glorifying themselves by crucifying another which always backfires.

Preggo Means No More Tiger Stigma!

Rachel Uchitel ups her game by Tweeting her preggo bod. The world is right again for her now that she's shed her Tiger-mistress skin. It's amazing the many layers of existence.

Speaking of, Anthony Weiner allegedly wanted to have a threesome with another man, according to the woman who came forward about his wang-Tweeting. So this means he's a little gay too? Maybe just gay-adjacent and not ashamed to be naked in a sexual way with another man. I dig that. I wonder what it's gonna take for the wife to leave. Not recycling?

Still-kinda-cool rock star Steven Tyler proposed to his somewhat age-appropriate and pretty GF but family is supposedly not happy. They've been together five years so Dish is fine with it. Not everyone has to love each other. It only matters that Steven is happy and keeps creating weirdisms on American Idol. He rocks!

Not-funny Russell Brand and awesome songstress Katy Perry spent Christmas apart and the splitsville rumors abound! Guys, you cannot divorce after having a lavish wedding. Oh wait...yes you can (KK)!

So Close to the Stage!

This is what happens when old cell phones take pictures. We were very close to the Almighty Simon. I didn't hyperventilate once and the key is Don't Look Back (because All You Need Is Now) at the crush of people. Indeed, we were in embedded in Duranmania but I kept breathing and singing and dancing. DishfellowDuraniefriend accompanied me, which made all the difference. There's nothing like sharing an obsession with someone who understands. Mark Ronson and Ana Matronic (goddess) guest-starred. A heavenly two hours overall. I went into the concert sick as a dog and emerged cured. Simon's sparkly pants were out of this world, as was Nick's bejeweled brooch.

First Steven Tyler fell in the shower and knocked out his front teeth. I dig. Showers are slippery when wet. That's why Dish puts down a mat for traction. But Steven's story didn't end there. In an update, the slip in the shower was blamed on food poisoning. This qualifier makes me suspicious. If you have food poisoning, why go in the shower since the heat can make you wither further? If you want to hose down a shit-puke perfect storm, I suggest a cold shower administered by a caring assistant. I tend to stay in bed for 7 days before trying to move. I anticipate the next plot point in this story will be: Slipped in the shower because of food poisoning due to exhaustion.

Amy Winehouse's official cause of death: too much booze.