Baaaaa Baaaaa, $$$$, Baaaaa Baaaa

Much ado is being made over the 1/2 man of Two and Half Men, Angus T. Jones, who spoke his mind about the show being filthy and no one should watch. A double-edged sword here, which in the grand scheme of life amounts to gooey meadow muffins in a field. The little lamb should be able to speak his mind and not feel compelled to apologize for his "rant." I'm tired of these celebs apologizing. Note to Chuck Lorre: If Dish were hired for the show, she would keep any Buddha/Pagan/PrincessDi/New Jesus thoughts separate from work, as in don't whizz on the hand that signs your paycheck. Does no one understand this?

I know this disturbs us all but Jessica Simpson had sex again. US Magazine got the scoop that JS might be with child #2. Please make the lambs stop screaming. Until then...

Screw you, writers of Dexter! How could you kill off my favorite character since the Trinity killer? The rest of the season will suck. Characters are now a spray tan away from putting me to sleep. A high body count will not bring fabulous back. And don't insult me by making him--or her--another dumb mentor ghost! Hello, Jaws? You've been jumped.

Happy Birthday, Sofia Vergara, Gale Harold and Jessica Simpson!

Who knew so many stars shared this blessed day? Sofia has a new accessory to go with her splendid bosom--an alleged engagement ring! Now that's how you soften the blow of turning 40. I'm so glad she got back together with that guy (though he was trashed in the rags after they broke up) since the lure of a newly single Tom Cruise must have been torture those three minutes she was single!

If your brain enjoys those tasteless crustaceans at the bottom of the ocean, here's more loser deliciousness: It seems Kris Humphries's babymama was never pregnant--JUST FAT. And psycho. Poor Kris, always the pawn and never the queen.

TG and I are now addicted to Cupcake Wars, especially that French judge Florian whose accent and bitchiness we want to bottle and drink all day long.

(Yes, I realize my former imaginary boyfriend Gale's birthday is today and I should give him proper attention but he's not so appealing in real life. JK! Happy Birthday, Dear Lord Brian Kinney!!! I wish I could *be* as cool as you, especially with destroying furniture and dancing all night in clubs--though this is only good in theory)

Happy Fourth of July!

Remember Born on the Fourth of July? You know who starred in it? Okay, never mind. I am so over this storyno, you're not. Because of my lack of attention span, I must do bulletpoints:

1. Someone cried during Cupcake Wars last night. I won't say who. Tweren't I.

2. Jessica Simpson wants to be 110 lbs but is satisfied to reach her pre-baby weight of 130. I scoured IMDB and discovered that she's 5'3. Using the associative property, Dish is thinner than Jessica pre-baby weight.

3. I went on a Facebook fast and lasted three days. See above idiocy to show what happens when you don't FB.

4. Bachelorette spoiler: I can see why Emily sent home Chris, though he's way cuter than Jef and Sean (not Arie). He seems like a sweet guy, though a bit uptight. Jef and Sean aren't competition for Arie, in my book.

5. Yentl: Dish had a Streisgasm this morning. Why did I not see this masterpiece before? Moral of the story: No one gets Babs because she's so special.

6. What is Suze Orman DOING? Dishmama called me in a panic last night over Suze hawking short term life insurance and her pre-paid credit card. This is not the Suze we know and love. She's already rich. Why is she doing this? I tried to find out information from her website and it smells like a duck.

Jessica Finally Gave Birth!

Wasn't it strange how fixated everyone including Dish became with Jessica Simpson's large belly? Since those bad jeans (which weren't so bad), she's the big butt of so many fat jokes. A baby doesn't help*. I wonder how much of it was real or just a ploy to push a weight-loss plan. Maybe I read about it somewhere and am now passing off the info as my own insight.

Why do I pay attention to this? I should start The House of Green Gables, pronto! Or was it The House with No Cable? I kind of hate people who don't have TV because it's against their beliefs. I shouldn't have eaten those baked beans.

On a related topic, Newt Gingrich ended his campaign. At least Ron is staying in to keep it interesting.

RIP, Junior Seau, former NFL player, who felt it was his time to go. So sad.

*The girl's name is Maxwell, which makes me think of this--a true senior moment since the artist name is different.

There's No Room at the In-and-Out Burger

I've been hearing that Jessica Simpson can't sell the news of her impending baby or its pics. Remember when you could just announce your pregnancy without expecting money? I only care about Papa Simpson's reaction to her burgeoning womanliness. Has he noticed that her melons are ripe with milk? Or offered to help the nurse deliver the child unto grampappy's hands? What about the fact that Jessica is knocked up and not married? What would Jesus say about that?

Devastating article about Bethenny Frankel in The Post today. Granted this rag is no bastion of literary truth, but it made me even more frightened of this former Housewife, for no reason other than she screeches.

During a song about love, J. Lo broke down crying. Damn, girl, I would have to. She's been through so many phases of Amore. It must have overwhelmed her. Meanwhile, my ducts are still clogged and I haven't even gotten into my Qasimodo costume yet. Toodles.

Thank You, Doris Belack!

Say a prayer for the life and work of actress Doris Belack who left us at age 85. Especially loved her on L&O and in Tootsie. She's one of those personalities you recognize that adds spice. Sad.

In preggo news: Jessica Simpson is most likely pregs. She's puffy, hiding her belly, wearing a lot of black, on the verge of marriage--you do the math. I wonder if Papa Simpson will film the delivery. Now everyone is talking about Beyonce's "fake" baby bump folding in on itself. It does look strange when she sits down but Beyonce is magic. The bump has changed sizes in reverse from the beginning. Of course, she can make a baby fold in on itself. And Beyonce-Z baby is gonna come out singing. Tori Spelling gave birth to Hattie Margaret McDermott yesterday. I just hope her boobs don't look so strange anymore as in last season. Aniston's looking a little preggo but more like hormone shot preggo. Ugh. I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Page Six reports that Derek Jeter is pursuing Minka Kelly again. Do they ever listen? Never get back with an ex. Never. You're doing great on Charlie's Angels. Everyone knows you're gorgeous. Derek's season tanked and he's got free time. You don't. Plus, I have a friend who's in love with him so step off, b*tch. But seriously, Derek will never settle down, like George.

Review of The Town. It's like Heat only set in Boston and without the geezers and sexy robbery music. Jon Hamm plays the Al Pacino role, Ben Affleck is Robert De Niro, Rebecca Hall is Judging Amy and Jeremy Renner is Val Kilmer. Still a good movie.

Cheaterville.com offered Kat Von D $$$ to endorse their site. Dish checked it out and laughed out loud at the list of cheaters and bitter exes reporting them. It's like a database of cheaters. I wonder if they get their butts sued....

Conrad Murray trial and, ugh, showing MJ's naked body. Please. No more. Why did I look? I don't want to see naked bodies unless at the Met. Going through a prude phase otherwise known as being 43.

Reality Suicide

Holy freaking crapwagons: Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Taylor Armstrong's husband Russell committed suicide, found dead last night. It seems severe financial problems and recent divorce filing pushed him over the edge. Yish. I'm sure having your entire life scrutinized on reality TV didn't help! Poor bastard. It's just awful that his three kids will have to live with this. There's a ton of blame going around, but Dish feels that suicide is one person's fault. Some people have a breaking point when it comes to dealing with hellish circumstances.

In lighter news: Jessica Simpson is not preggo most likely because she was seen staggering drunk recently. So, the bottom line is that she's just F*A*T, as in a normal weight by most of our standards. Enjoy it, girl!

I'm just happy that Sean Hayes is back on TV soon with a new series where he plays a gay dad raising a child with his partner. On NBC! Can life get better? Yes! Jennifer Aniston will appear on Days of Our Lives as her real-life father's wedding planner. I'm set.

Cowboys & Indians & Aliens

The Native Americans always get the shaft even though they played an integral part in Cowboys & Aliens, Dish's mild disappointment of the summer. It was a little slow and in love with itself. The clichés were beyond predictable (boy, dead chick, dog, knife, who's an alien, key deaths), though I realize cowboys and alien movies are all about the clichés, plot contrivances and sllllooooowwww pacing. So how did I amuse myself? By wondering about Daniel Craig's diet: turkey, egg whites, water, lettuce, cigarettes. In this movie, he is pure hat-wearing lollipop--big head, little body. I wanted to give him a sandwich while also vowing to go on the same diet immediately. How Dish would love to have twig legs and no ass in chaps just for one day. Olivia Wilde, also a skinny bitch who eats nothing, is luminous on screen with those wide set eyes, flowing hair and Terminator-fashioned square jaw. Harrison Ford kvetched and scowled throughout, getting in one half smile toward the end. The most entertaining parts were whenever Daniel Craig landed a punch. He is a master of action.

What's new this Sunday? By now you must have heard how Charlie Sheen dies on Two and a Half Men. If Pam Ewing could dream an entire season of Dallas, they could always bring him back. Some telling photos of Jessica Simpson's alleged baby bump. She does look preggo though this is just another pebble in the Land of Who Cares. Forgive Dish's negativity--sinus issues.