TV is just no good anymore

I'm canceling Scandal from my DVR schedule. I hate the characters. All Kerry Washington does is yell orders into a phone. The script is too Sorkin-esque. It has to die. This sh*t is why people watch reality TV. Homeland and Cupcake Wars all the way.

Was so blue and stressed yesterday I bought my 4th ticket to see Jersey Boys. Dish has to check out the new cast. Jarrod Spector is such an awesome Frankie. As I blasted the soundtrack, it became evident that I experienced The Four Seasons in another life or they've become my new Duran Duran while the band is on hiatus. What's the truth? I need Shirley MacLaine and John Edward, STAT!!! 

TG yelled at me for hovering while he got ready for work. I'm passive aggressively soaking my rings in salt water. And then I'm ironing a messy double-crease on his pants!!!

Matthew McConaughey's Manorexia Made Me Eat a BBQ Bacon Cheeseburger!

Have you seen the recent photos of Matty-poo? I won't publish them here, because it's like a fashion week runway show. The minute I saw his gaunt physique, I cried a little, then ran for that juicy burger with fries. An hour later I ate three chocolate truffles along with my supplement (vitamins). His hideous skinniness is for a movie role. These extremes can only mean he's going for the gold, i.e. Oscar. Deprettying really impresses the academy, especially when your beauty is proportionate to the amount of ugliness you endure. I'm talking to you, Charlize, Tom Hanks, Gwyneth, Daniel Day and Heath in Heaven. I pray McConaughey will stop this The Machinist regime and get back to being shirtless on the beach. He's not my type (see TG who is hotness to the max) but I live to help others appreciate beauty in this world.

I have so much anxiety. I'm worried about the election. TG and I forget to watch Vegas each week, which means Michael Chiklis doesn't know how much we love him. Our ulcers rip open with each episode of Cupcake Wars and Florian's vicious criticism of artificial flavors. Yeah, how does red velvet get that way naturally, Flore? Do we have to bleed for you?

I'm such a mess, I started watching The Next Best Thing -- bad movie comfort food. I learn so much each time I watch it:

I think Madonna saw Rupert Everett as so awesome with Julia in My Best Friend's Wedding that she had to steal him AND the real-life boyfriend Benjamin Bratt. Girls are so competitive!

Michael Vartan is like stone. Sort of like in every movie but sometimes that works, like when Dish watched Never Been Kissed 500 million times. No wait, that was someone else.

With his posh accent, Rupert hauls dirt in LA somewhere. I'm not quite sure what Rupert does, but I don't buy it. He's not a manual labor guy (Nothing wrong with it, I like it). Tax attorney, pundit, academic, museum curator, maybe.

I never knew this but it's so logical and happens all the time: the 100% gay best friend gets drunk and can't help but sleep with his female friend. Then again, if it's Madonna, I might close my eyes and hope for the best...

Girls never ever keep track of their periods, especially Madonna. She eats like a pig suddenly and then consults her calendar, going back months. Sorry, I call BS.

Yoga is the only way to get a banging bod.

I love how Madonna tries to play a more passive female. Her character is quite likeable, someone I'd totally hang with. I almost kinda believe it, too, if it weren't for THE ACCENT.

But you have to love someone who does whatever the hell she wants. I need a cookie.

I Think I Need To Give Up Meat and Frito's

Dish pulled a Britney and devoured a whole bag of Frito's at 11pm, justifying that I needed "fuel to continue working." Then I finished the marinated beef TG made for dinner. This morning, I feel like Merritt Parkway roadkill. No more junk food and meat. Dishmama will have to work that much harder to fatten me up (there's always cake).

Lindsay Lohan is in more trouble. Maybe she should just go directly to jail. If she's a jewel thief, she's a bad one as she keeps getting caught. Go to college and take some humanities courses, Lindz. There's a big world out there. In the meantime, I'm going to blame Lindsay for everything that goes wrong in my life.

I know many of you despaired over my existential misery at the last Duran Duran concert at Foxwoods. Never fear! I signed up to be a "GOLD" (Spandau Ballet song) member of their fan club, which means lots of merchandise and access to stuff! I'm not sure I have time for full-on psychosis but what the hay. Don't tell TG.

Last night, I tried to watch Bachelor Pad, but TG protested, saying it wasn't "virile" enough. So we watched Cupcake Wars instead. I insisted that Florian wears lipstick, but TG maintain the French pastry master's ruby red lips are perfectly natural.

Happy Birthday, Sofia Vergara, Gale Harold and Jessica Simpson!

Who knew so many stars shared this blessed day? Sofia has a new accessory to go with her splendid bosom--an alleged engagement ring! Now that's how you soften the blow of turning 40. I'm so glad she got back together with that guy (though he was trashed in the rags after they broke up) since the lure of a newly single Tom Cruise must have been torture those three minutes she was single!

If your brain enjoys those tasteless crustaceans at the bottom of the ocean, here's more loser deliciousness: It seems Kris Humphries's babymama was never pregnant--JUST FAT. And psycho. Poor Kris, always the pawn and never the queen.

TG and I are now addicted to Cupcake Wars, especially that French judge Florian whose accent and bitchiness we want to bottle and drink all day long.

(Yes, I realize my former imaginary boyfriend Gale's birthday is today and I should give him proper attention but he's not so appealing in real life. JK! Happy Birthday, Dear Lord Brian Kinney!!! I wish I could *be* as cool as you, especially with destroying furniture and dancing all night in clubs--though this is only good in theory)

Happy Fourth of July!

Remember Born on the Fourth of July? You know who starred in it? Okay, never mind. I am so over this storyno, you're not. Because of my lack of attention span, I must do bulletpoints:

1. Someone cried during Cupcake Wars last night. I won't say who. Tweren't I.

2. Jessica Simpson wants to be 110 lbs but is satisfied to reach her pre-baby weight of 130. I scoured IMDB and discovered that she's 5'3. Using the associative property, Dish is thinner than Jessica pre-baby weight.

3. I went on a Facebook fast and lasted three days. See above idiocy to show what happens when you don't FB.

4. Bachelorette spoiler: I can see why Emily sent home Chris, though he's way cuter than Jef and Sean (not Arie). He seems like a sweet guy, though a bit uptight. Jef and Sean aren't competition for Arie, in my book.

5. Yentl: Dish had a Streisgasm this morning. Why did I not see this masterpiece before? Moral of the story: No one gets Babs because she's so special.

6. What is Suze Orman DOING? Dishmama called me in a panic last night over Suze hawking short term life insurance and her pre-paid credit card. This is not the Suze we know and love. She's already rich. Why is she doing this? I tried to find out information from her website and it smells like a duck.