Matthew McConaughey's Manorexia Made Me Eat a BBQ Bacon Cheeseburger!

Have you seen the recent photos of Matty-poo? I won't publish them here, because it's like a fashion week runway show. The minute I saw his gaunt physique, I cried a little, then ran for that juicy burger with fries. An hour later I ate three chocolate truffles along with my supplement (vitamins). His hideous skinniness is for a movie role. These extremes can only mean he's going for the gold, i.e. Oscar. Deprettying really impresses the academy, especially when your beauty is proportionate to the amount of ugliness you endure. I'm talking to you, Charlize, Tom Hanks, Gwyneth, Daniel Day and Heath in Heaven. I pray McConaughey will stop this The Machinist regime and get back to being shirtless on the beach. He's not my type (see TG who is hotness to the max) but I live to help others appreciate beauty in this world.

I have so much anxiety. I'm worried about the election. TG and I forget to watch Vegas each week, which means Michael Chiklis doesn't know how much we love him. Our ulcers rip open with each episode of Cupcake Wars and Florian's vicious criticism of artificial flavors. Yeah, how does red velvet get that way naturally, Flore? Do we have to bleed for you?

I'm such a mess, I started watching The Next Best Thing -- bad movie comfort food. I learn so much each time I watch it:

I think Madonna saw Rupert Everett as so awesome with Julia in My Best Friend's Wedding that she had to steal him AND the real-life boyfriend Benjamin Bratt. Girls are so competitive!

Michael Vartan is like stone. Sort of like in every movie but sometimes that works, like when Dish watched Never Been Kissed 500 million times. No wait, that was someone else.

With his posh accent, Rupert hauls dirt in LA somewhere. I'm not quite sure what Rupert does, but I don't buy it. He's not a manual labor guy (Nothing wrong with it, I like it). Tax attorney, pundit, academic, museum curator, maybe.

I never knew this but it's so logical and happens all the time: the 100% gay best friend gets drunk and can't help but sleep with his female friend. Then again, if it's Madonna, I might close my eyes and hope for the best...

Girls never ever keep track of their periods, especially Madonna. She eats like a pig suddenly and then consults her calendar, going back months. Sorry, I call BS.

Yoga is the only way to get a banging bod.

I love how Madonna tries to play a more passive female. Her character is quite likeable, someone I'd totally hang with. I almost kinda believe it, too, if it weren't for THE ACCENT.

But you have to love someone who does whatever the hell she wants. I need a cookie.

Would Love a Rat to Cook Our Meals!

TG and I watched Ratatouille and positively salivated. Every night I agonize over dinner, which is why I order take out a lot of the time. For some reason, I've come to love cooking shows on the Food network. I only wish I had the motivation to go to a store and buy ingredients. Plus, our kitchen is minuscule...and TG is the real cook. My role is to clean up cat puke and iron shirts.

I realized today that my brain is positively scary. I should be paid for my trivia mentality alone. This morning, I watched thirty seconds of W.E. and remarked in one split second, "Oh, that's Liberty Ross." Who is Liberty Ross? The scorned wife of Rupert Sanders who had the fling with Kristin Stewart. Such a peripheral figure and I RECOGNIZED HER IN ONE FLASH. It's official: I know everything.

As for W.E., it is a gorgeous movie, just what I was in the mood for. But...it lacks real spark. From the first few minutes, you know what's going to happen. The acting is okay. You can't take the Madonna out of the Madonna movie but this one's better than some previous film things she's been involved in. I like her behind the camera rather than in front of it. You can tell she put her blood, sweat and tears into this. Still...if I can be ruthless, I think it needed a couple big names, a sparkier script and about 20 minutes shaved off--hard to do when you do the back and forthy time thing in time. The present day story hooked me more than the Wallis/Edward (Edward was especially good!). The men in the movie are weak compared to the powerhouse women, even if they are subservient to Love. Despite its flaws, I kinda liked it, good for a leisurely afternoon.

I'm not sure what kind of mind f*ck I was under to order Jonestown: The Life and Death of Peoples Temple. I remember where I was when I heard about Jim Jones and the slaughtering of 900+ people. It didn't register when I was 10 so with all the Scientology and big guns religion in this country, I wanted to learn more about this "movement." Apparently, Jim Jones's mental state started to unravel toward the end. Maybe it was menopause? Sometimes I can't remember what I did yesterday or I stare at a scene and think, "What fresh hell is this? How did I get here?" Will boost my omega 3-g fats. Oh, yeah, Jim Jones. See what I'm talking about? So I definitely recommend this documentary and learned so much. I tried to put into context with 9/11, which I can barely digest. This is also a public kind of execution en masse, which I can't even articulate. Also sad that a cool name like Jim Jones can't really be used without a tinge of a tragedy...or a whole lotta tinges. Not funny. I was leveled by the awfulness and feeling an abundance of sadness for what the survivors endure even now.

Why Did Piers Ban Madonna?

Piers Morgan has banned Madonna from his flailing CNN show...and every other show he does. Not only that, I've fallen into his trap! I'm writing about him. Ergo, more print about him, which might make me watch his show! Damn you, Piers. But what could be the cause of this bad blood between Piers and Madge? Dish smells a scenario involving sex gone bad. Or resentment over no sex. Oh well, I'm sure Madonna isn't crying and I'll still enjoy his shows even though he strikes me as oily.

Fame-whoring parents: Divorce sucks. Multiply this by ten when both parents go to the press to whine about the divorce. Add in some kids and you have a big mess caused by adults. Christie Brinkley cried on TV about having her character assassinated (try being a Kardashian!). Peter Cook accused her of being a liar and a bad mother. If you do decades of math, they both seem pretty awful and old news.

The self-proclaimed first supermodel (It certainly wasn't Cheryl Tiegs or Twiggy) Janice Dickinson has come out viciously against Kim Kardashian and the whole-lotta-nothing flour incident. Public catfight! I sort of feel as if divorcing Kris was a terrible idea for KK. It's been downhill ever since for the entire family.

To the Gen-Y-failed-model-turned-aspiring-screenwriter (one of the many that occupies bohemian coffeehouse The Commons with its delicious grilled cheese): I hope ten years from now--when not everything gets handed to you on a silver platter--that someone doesn't offer you a seat as you're juggling four bags, keys and an espresso. This is the same guy who takes up three seats on the subway because his legs are spread wide, his junk allegedly that enormous.

M.I.A. is Genius!!!

As we watched the halftime show, TG asked, "Who're the other singers?" I told him about Nicki Minaj and M.I.A, a little reminiscent of Madonna's VMA appearance with Britney and Christina. Everyone talked about Madonna Frenching Britney and no one cared that she'd also kissed Aguilera. This time the lesser goddess M.I.A stole Nicki's thunder and flashed her middle finger on TV. Now everyone is talking about her! Hurray for the young who have absolutely no manners--flip off everyone, text at all times and be rude to their elders and don't care! M.I.A.'s stock just went up and I couldn't be more in awe. Dish is going to moon everyone in Chelsea and shout a hair-raising "EFF YOU" in the middle of Eighth Avenue. I'll be an overnight sensation! Moms beware!

Verdict on the halftime show: I've heard lots o' Madonna dissing, saying she's lost it (you try flipping around in stilettos at 52). Sure she lip-synched and didn't seem all that comfortable, but I bet if you were in the Superbowl itself, it was awesome. I've never seen the Material Girl smile so much. Love the gay gladiators and the Cleo reference and you gotta love a choir. One of the better halftime shows and they generally are lame anyway.

Re: Giants win. A part of me is experiencing Schadenfreude over beautiful people losing but I agree with Gisele that her husband couldn't f*cking throw and catch the ball. TG and I were saying "butterfingers!" an awful lot last night at Patriot fumbles.

In other news, Randy Travis arrested for public intoxication, caught with a bottle of wine outside a church. Poetry.

I Saw Jodie's "Beaver"

And it was terrible, though Dish enjoys Jodie to the hilt. Now we get to enjoy the behind-the-scenes dirt!

As reported, Kayte Walsh is carrying Grammer seeds. She had the audacity to go red, no doubt taking a page from Dish. She seems highly perky and delightful in pictures and I hope she is happy in this marriage and that it lasts for a long time. One must enter the Hollywood marriage machine with eyes wide open. I am on Team Camille and Team Kayte--just not Team Kelsey anymore. An elephant never forgets.

Elton's hubby David Furnish went off on Madonna for winning best song. I love a good fight between icons! Granted, I give major props to any diva directing and writing a big-ass movie, especially a period piece where you have to read a history book. But I love Elton's bitter cranky grudges!

Kate Major was arrested again for smacking a cop. Did I already report that? I just did it again. Bachelor Pad's Kasey Kahl arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct. Rob Lowe as Drew Peterson: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRRcL0vkPsQ.

How the mighty have fallen.

Dish Finally Has Ugly Feet

It's from all the running I've done of late. J.J. once saw a famous dancer's feet in the subway and he said they looked like penises sticking out of her shoes. Wear and tear. But who wants to talk about this?

Madonna is to perform at the Superbowl halftime show. They just keep bringing out the classics. At least we know she'll put on a good show. She demands nothing less than 110%. It would be very sexy if she came out in a football uniform then stripped down to a bikini in winter. This is the Madonna way.

E-hostess Giuliana Rancic announced that early treatments for her breast cancer were not so successful and she is undergoing a double mastectomy. This kind of in-the-thick-of-it revelation strikes me as brave and especially validating for those undergoing similar treatment. I'd be shivering under the covers. Best wishes that this surgery works. Giuliana needs a better year in 2012, STAT.

Dish's doppleganger Shaun White was caught bare-assed in racy photos. Do not pose nude if you're a celebrity. And especially not if you're a red-head and a celebrity. The jokes last forever.

Rosie O'Donnell is engaged but Karina Smirnoff is no longer. RHoBH Kim Richards has entered rehab. For what, Dish asks? I thought she was just a drunk, but on a recent episode she revealed she was a pill-popper. All those meds seemed valid to me. Trazodone, Lexipro and Topamax = depression, anxiety, seizure, those are the essentials. If sobriety means her no longer jerking and slurring and wearing those neck-hiding blouses with the 80s tie, I'm against it!

Happy Birthday, J.J.!!!!!

Why I love J.J. (who is freakishly old today):

He's very good-looking and resembles Hugh Jackman, but with an edge.

He's one of the few who can handle my huge red hair, but he curses all the way through the appointment.

He calls me a c*nt, which no one has ever done and he seems to appreciate the irony.

His hyperbole is not to be missed: "_____ was the best film in cinema." "Her feet were so deformed, they looked like penises!"

He is always himself. Nothing more, nothing less. And you always want more.


In more unimportant news: Madonna's brother living under a bridge. It's still bigger than my apartment. Walking home today, I could feel that special Duran Duran magic under the cement. I know exactly where they are, but I am civilized...and I am sick so I went directly home. The sad thing is that I am very under the weather and I will be inconsolable if I can't rally for tomorrow's concert. TG might have to go in my place.

You know Neal Schon and Michaele Salahi are going to get their own reality show. Jail-bait Courtney and Doug were kicked out of the pumpkin patch for being inappropriate.

Desperate Housewives: Lynette and Tom belong together. All the housewives are going to jail, just like in Seinfeld.

The Good Wife: Julianna's maroon suit was to die for. The evil wife-killer reminds me of an ex. Feel that Alan Cummings should be my new best friend.

That is all.

The City Is Empty

Except for the US Open. Dish caught a bit of the Nadal match today but interest in tennis has waned after 4 years of being obsessed. TG has diagnosed me with Aspergers and my in-laws have diagnosed me with agoraphobia (this is sort of correct). Any other diagnoses? TG is now backpedaling on this diagnosis but it's more because I'm not really talking to him. I do have Aspergers, after all, therefore can't focus on him at all. He's a little scared when I go quiet.

So, Michele Bachmann was on the CBS news with old guy this morning. She's much smarter than Palin but exudes a lotta crazy. I'm not sure what's going to happen with this election. It might be another vote for the lesser of two evils.

In gossip: Laurel Holloman who played Tina Kennard on The L Word has filed for divorce from her husband. The usual: Irresistible Differences (doesn't that sound better?). Madonna's W.E. got bad reviews at Venice Film festival. I can't wait to see it! Must rent The Next Best Thing to prepare! Rumor of Eddie Murphy hosting the Oscars. Bring it on! We want Pluto Nash to host! At least he might be FUNNY. They need to have actual comedians do it because the actors are not cutting it.

Chelsea is crying. Cheyenne Jackson has married his long-time partner Monte Lapka in New York. Congratulations, you guys!

And now back to Biutiful, which is very sweaty so far.

Bill Clinton No Longer Eats the Meat

Why does this make me think of Brian Kinney from QAF? Because that the slogan for one of his ad campaigns (Eat the Meat--oh so Brian!). Anysnooches, the big news is that Bill Clinton has gone vegan. How does he do this? Well, Dish has tired of that heavy-meat-eating feeling but a good steak now and then hits the spot. Then again...Madonna is macrobiotic, Nick Rhodes is vegetarian. I'm cracking under the pressure!

There really is no other news (okay, West Memphis 3 released and had huge celeb support in Eddie Vedder and Natalie Maines but Dish hasn't caught up on this case) except that Kim Kardashian is about to take the plunge in the most over-hyped wedding of the year--yes, even more than Wills and Kate. There is no reason for the hype, is there?

So...Duran Duran possibly in Atlantic City. The Boston one might be tough since it's on a weekday. But who knows, maybe I'll go bananas this fall! You only live once and I have held back for too long.