Matthew McConaughey's Manorexia Made Me Eat a BBQ Bacon Cheeseburger!

Have you seen the recent photos of Matty-poo? I won't publish them here, because it's like a fashion week runway show. The minute I saw his gaunt physique, I cried a little, then ran for that juicy burger with fries. An hour later I ate three chocolate truffles along with my supplement (vitamins). His hideous skinniness is for a movie role. These extremes can only mean he's going for the gold, i.e. Oscar. Deprettying really impresses the academy, especially when your beauty is proportionate to the amount of ugliness you endure. I'm talking to you, Charlize, Tom Hanks, Gwyneth, Daniel Day and Heath in Heaven. I pray McConaughey will stop this The Machinist regime and get back to being shirtless on the beach. He's not my type (see TG who is hotness to the max) but I live to help others appreciate beauty in this world.

I have so much anxiety. I'm worried about the election. TG and I forget to watch Vegas each week, which means Michael Chiklis doesn't know how much we love him. Our ulcers rip open with each episode of Cupcake Wars and Florian's vicious criticism of artificial flavors. Yeah, how does red velvet get that way naturally, Flore? Do we have to bleed for you?

I'm such a mess, I started watching The Next Best Thing -- bad movie comfort food. I learn so much each time I watch it:

I think Madonna saw Rupert Everett as so awesome with Julia in My Best Friend's Wedding that she had to steal him AND the real-life boyfriend Benjamin Bratt. Girls are so competitive!

Michael Vartan is like stone. Sort of like in every movie but sometimes that works, like when Dish watched Never Been Kissed 500 million times. No wait, that was someone else.

With his posh accent, Rupert hauls dirt in LA somewhere. I'm not quite sure what Rupert does, but I don't buy it. He's not a manual labor guy (Nothing wrong with it, I like it). Tax attorney, pundit, academic, museum curator, maybe.

I never knew this but it's so logical and happens all the time: the 100% gay best friend gets drunk and can't help but sleep with his female friend. Then again, if it's Madonna, I might close my eyes and hope for the best...

Girls never ever keep track of their periods, especially Madonna. She eats like a pig suddenly and then consults her calendar, going back months. Sorry, I call BS.

Yoga is the only way to get a banging bod.

I love how Madonna tries to play a more passive female. Her character is quite likeable, someone I'd totally hang with. I almost kinda believe it, too, if it weren't for THE ACCENT.

But you have to love someone who does whatever the hell she wants. I need a cookie.

I'm Sorry, Michael Chiklis...

...for thinking you were lame. I only saw trailers for The Shield and avoided it like the plague of shaved-headed men I dated around the time the show aired (2002-2006), the era of Vin Diesel's Ugly Sexy. Yes, there were four in a row, all toxic bachelors. How many hours did I cry over a bottle of Mr. Clean? You can't blame me for projecting all these years. Add to this, Chiklis was filmed reacting to an Emmy nod. This sent me into an abyss of irrational hatred. But now, as my husband encourages nightly Shield marathons, I see the genius in Chiklis. There is no show without him. He's just awesome and the camera eats him up. We're on Season 5. I can't bear to think what we'll do when we get to the end. I was wrong. All wrong...Chiklis FOREVER!

More word-eating. Maybe Les Miz won't be so bad...Check out this trailer and let me know your thoughts. I wonder if Anne and Hugh singing at the Oscars started this whole thing in one of those back door meetings. I could make jokes but I won't. Russell is in the room.

Last night, Dishbrother and I had an in-depth conversation about Ashton as Steve Jobs. DB has high hopes that if Ashton can access his "dark side", he will be brilliant. DB is a tough customer when it comes to acting. He's the first to make me realize that Daniel Day Lewis is an over-actor. DB and I would be masterful casting agents.

I lost interest in Fifty Shades of Grey the second after Anastasia Beaverhausen Steele's first big O. I see the appeal but, as an editor, there are too many glaring items I'd want to fix. Am going back to reading great literature (and a celebrity memoir or two--Patti Lupone, you're next!).

The More Celeb Babies, The Prettier the World Becomes...

Fitness goddess Jillian Michaels is now mom of two since she adopted a bambina from Haiti and her partner had a boy. (I smell a reality show) Dish is not a fan of yoga but Jillian makes it seem like aerobics in her power yoga DVD, which I bought a year ago and used once. Congrats, you crazy kids!

Childless Anderson Cooper showed his usual integrity by dissing a bad mommy. I applaud his just kicking an a-hole off his show. I change subway cars all the time when someone is talking too loudly or just being rank. Life is too short.

But it's not too short to discuss Dr. Oz controversial wang photo in Good Housekeeping. TG thought it was an unfortunate angle, that Dr. Oz had something in his pocket (like his penis) and we should give him a break. This reminds me of the time at age four, I walked in on our house-guests stark naked. They acted amused but I was shocked. And yet I didn't want to leave the room. Same thing here, I kinda want to see the pic, but I'm still disturbed.

Reality Observations: My vote is now Arie as the winner of Emily Maynard's heart on The Bachelorette. I lost interest in Doug when he used the term "check it" (which means, be quiet and mindful of what you're saying) and Ryan's pinhead hair distracts me. Plus, I saw on his love letter to Emily all the scribbles, which means he does things half-assed. On RHoOC, was touched by Heather changing to her husband's last name after 15 years of marriage. Dish also changed the last name at an advanced age. Rumor has it that Bethenny and Jason are on the verge of divorce. This has been ongoing since they met. Makes me sad, but not surprised. Relationships are complicated. I've grown to like them together.

TG and I are obsessed with The Shield and the bald brilliance of Michael Chiklis. It is who we are.