Americal Idol and Are You Watching Lance?

I only watch the first episode of American Idol--to see the freaks and the new judges. I expected Mariah to be way more Mariah, but she couldn't get in good finger-pointing and dagger-eyes because Nicki Minaj chewed the scenery, her hair, Randy's hair, then was just a pain in the ass. I guess Minaj had "provide the ratings" in her contract, along with her fantastic wigs. By contrast, Mimi was the voice of reason. At first the girls got a little fake catty like Real Housewives and I thought, no, please don't. The feud between them, so pretend. TG and I are rooting for The Turbanator and the farm girl.

Tonight is the interview with Lance. Perez Hilton asserts that Lance is coming clean because he has to raise money. I dunno. I think it's to subconsciously replicate his cancer battle. His career is dead. Can he resurrect himself? We have a long history of forgiving a-holes, though usually just for sexual misconduct.

Speaking of sexual, the tabs say that Dita Von Teese and Russell Crowe had a steamy liaison. I can almost see it! And why wouldn't they? I don't see marriage, but I do see chemistry and good old-fashioned Hollywood hookup awesomeness.

A special blessing to Conrad Bain of Diff'rent Strokes and Dear Abby's Pauline Phillips, who passed away. Two greats gone. It don't matter that you got not a lot. They'll have theirs, you'll have yours and I'll have mine. And together we'll be fine. And, how can we live without those advice columns? In case you're feeling the void, I'd be happy to dish out advice (except I'm not licensed in anything--except an MA in French). That's just how nosy gossipy I am.

Because I can't vote for Hillary...

Along with these celebrity women, I will shamelessly endorse Obama especially since Gloria Steinem and Jane Lynch are for him and I'll do anything for those bitches. Are you ready for the debates? I'm so excited I couldn't sleep these last three days. Just call me CNN's whore. I might wander over to FOX so that I can be balanced.

Leave it to the media to pit two women against each other, though it seems to be real fighting. Nicki and Mariah are practically bar-brawling on American Idol. Do I hear the sound of shrinking testicles? As much as Mariah is a diva, Nicki is just being trashy and immature. She's new to the business. If I were her, I'd let Mariah be in the spotlight, otherwise, Nicki's going to make enemies and everyone will hate her. If you don't have love, you're left with talent and she doesn't seem to have much of that. Mariah, at least, has a great voice--though her vibrato is irritating. Oh well, Dish is only interested in catching glimpses of Nicole Kidman in the audience Keith Urban's serene countenance.

TG made a delicious Coq au Vin yesterday. What did I do to deserve this angel?

Tommy Lee is 50. He's an adorable metal dork. Remember his going-back-to-school reality show? Loved it!

I Think Uranus Delivered Its Load This Week

So yeah, the Mitt Romney thing has stuck. Everyone is talking about it. Now we just stand back and see if he's truly sunk or if Obama will do something worse. Is Mitt like Teflon? Will his nasty words change the minds of voters? Dish tends to think people know their candidate and the vote doesn't change. Though...I wasn't going to vote in 2008. I'm not sure what changed my mind, maybe that I overcame my irritation over the starry-eyed Obama devotees who left Hillary in the dust. I still am bitter about that, but the election isn't about me. I definitely voted in an election that mattered, even though my vote didn't really matter. It didn't make me feel amazing. I was just being a citizen. This year, it's much clearer to me.

I'm not sure I like seeing Jennifer Aniston pregnant. It's a disturbance in the force! But I enjoy her humor. Am I being un-PC to prefer her un-pregnant?

Alexis, by far the most fun one to hate, is leaving The Real Housewives of Orange County. Rumor has it that she got kicked off, but I don't see how the network could do that. She's too fun to watch. Was it the weird husband? I'll never buy that she wants to live life away from cameras.

I love Kate Middleton's reaction to the titty photos: smile and dance. Really, who gives a flying scone slathered in clotted cream? There's not much you can do except stay covered forever. That means you, Prince Philips. Please avoid all future wang shots.

The rags can't help playing up the American Idol feuding between Mariah and Nicki. So pathetic. Why does it have to be the divas? Why can't they talk about tension between Randy and Keith. I don't believe a word. We see through your paltry ways, AI machine.

Tori Spelling had emergency surgery after complications with her recent C section. My uterus is yowling in pain. Get well soon, Tori!

Special healing prayers for Robin Roberts as she goes for her bone marrow transplant on Thursday. You can keep up with her on this blog. Go Robin!!!

But Before the Democratic Convention Starts

Prince Philip Takes a Cue from Dirty Harry! There's a pic from TMZ where our favorite geezer shows us a member of his royal staff. Sadly, his wang is blocked out and I can't find it anywhere. Oh wait, no I didn't just write that. Sorry, Mom! Curiosity is getting the best of me.

Remember how I said I didn't care about Tom Cruise's personal life? Okay, scratch that. If director Paul Haggis is seconding the Vanity Fair story about Tom's finding a new wife, I'm IN! Now I must find a copy of the mag. And yet, if that's how Tom wants to find a wife, it's very efficient. Arranged marriage are really not so awful as long as both parties are complicit.

Nicki Minaj is voting Republican. You just never know which side the stars fall on, so I had to Google a little. Registered Republicans include Adam Sandler, Heather Locklear, Dean Cain, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Jessica Simpson, Susan Lucci, Bruce Willis, Kelsey Grammer. Registered Democrats that surprised me a little: Eminem, Faith Hill, Hulk Hogan, Jerry Springer, Jack Nicholson, Harrison Ford.

Bachelor Pad was so ugly last night, especially the ugly crying. Ed is useless, which made him a perfect match for Jaclyn who is horrid (fake or real horrid, I can't decide). As the season progresses I feel sorry for her because she so obviously is in love with this loser, who gives the lamest excuses for rejecting her while continuing to bang her.

If you want to know more about how Julia smells. Dish is running to a Lancome counter as we speak...

And watching the DNC. Let the gasbags begin!

Someone Needs to Stop Public Speaking

Um...awkward!!! These people should be vetted before allowed to endorse publicly. Tommy Lee Jones did a nice job raving about Al Gore, managing to make this candidate seem exciting. Clint was just plain embarrassing -- and I sort of enjoy him. Get another Republican actor--there are plenty! The most cognizant speaker of the night was Marco Rubio. Dish doesn't share many of his beliefs but at least he sounded sane. Mitt's speech was okay. I hope at least the DNC is funner.

American Idol is going to hell. All the original judges are gone and most of us are watching The Voice instead. Nicki Minaj and Mariah don't do it for me. There's a rumor Keith Urban might sign on, which might get me to watch. Mr. Nicole Kidman gets my vote!

Russell Brand and Ginger Spice dating? Why? She was always my favorite. I even forgive her naming her daughter Bluebell Madonna. It's kinda pretty... My next child will be Nicotine Cher!

Dish and TG are suffering from bad chicken salad with potentially tainted mayo. Just the thought makes me ill. I ate it Wednesday and still feel gross. TG ate it yesterday and today. We aren't very happy. This too shall pass.

M.I.A. is Genius!!!

As we watched the halftime show, TG asked, "Who're the other singers?" I told him about Nicki Minaj and M.I.A, a little reminiscent of Madonna's VMA appearance with Britney and Christina. Everyone talked about Madonna Frenching Britney and no one cared that she'd also kissed Aguilera. This time the lesser goddess M.I.A stole Nicki's thunder and flashed her middle finger on TV. Now everyone is talking about her! Hurray for the young who have absolutely no manners--flip off everyone, text at all times and be rude to their elders and don't care! M.I.A.'s stock just went up and I couldn't be more in awe. Dish is going to moon everyone in Chelsea and shout a hair-raising "EFF YOU" in the middle of Eighth Avenue. I'll be an overnight sensation! Moms beware!

Verdict on the halftime show: I've heard lots o' Madonna dissing, saying she's lost it (you try flipping around in stilettos at 52). Sure she lip-synched and didn't seem all that comfortable, but I bet if you were in the Superbowl itself, it was awesome. I've never seen the Material Girl smile so much. Love the gay gladiators and the Cleo reference and you gotta love a choir. One of the better halftime shows and they generally are lame anyway.

Re: Giants win. A part of me is experiencing Schadenfreude over beautiful people losing but I agree with Gisele that her husband couldn't f*cking throw and catch the ball. TG and I were saying "butterfingers!" an awful lot last night at Patriot fumbles.

In other news, Randy Travis arrested for public intoxication, caught with a bottle of wine outside a church. Poetry.

Post-Wedding Lounging

Congratulations to Dishbrother who married his love Dishbrotherpartner! It was very moving. How else to recover from a great wedding than to watch the catty Part 2 of The Real Housewives of New York City? Even TG had a hard time breaking away. Speaking of housewives, Desperate Housewives's last season is ending a year shorter than planned. Maybe because it's been blowing lately? Maybe the fast-forward five years wasn't brilliant, though it did give Gale Harold more work.

Why I love Kathy Griffin:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZFlHALukD4 My favorite incorrigible whore.

I'm reading things about The Normal Heart, to be directed by Ryan Murphy and possibly starring Julia and Mark Ruffalo. Cut to Dish running toward Julia yelling, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The play has had a huge resurgence but I just don't see it as a movie and after Eat Pray Love, well, I can't say it because Julia is Love itself. What about Notting Hill 2 instead?

A tidbit that seems like bs: Ryan Reynolds ended things with Charlize Theron b/c she was getting too serious. Women are such wily creatures. All we do is get too serious. One look at a man and we *have* to nail him down. After 10 years with a steady beau (whom she never married), I can't really see this as true.

So, Janet Jackson was vindicated when Nicki Minaj slipped her nip GMA. And it was a huge slip with a bulging boob popping out of her spandex. WHY DIDN'T SHE WEAR A BRA??? When you have large gozongas, you keep them from popping out.

Allegedly, Daniel Craig's ex charged a million $ on his credit card when he dismissed her for Rachel Weisz and wouldn't return her phone calls. That's hard core but I get it.