Americal Idol and Are You Watching Lance?

I only watch the first episode of American Idol--to see the freaks and the new judges. I expected Mariah to be way more Mariah, but she couldn't get in good finger-pointing and dagger-eyes because Nicki Minaj chewed the scenery, her hair, Randy's hair, then was just a pain in the ass. I guess Minaj had "provide the ratings" in her contract, along with her fantastic wigs. By contrast, Mimi was the voice of reason. At first the girls got a little fake catty like Real Housewives and I thought, no, please don't. The feud between them, so pretend. TG and I are rooting for The Turbanator and the farm girl.

Tonight is the interview with Lance. Perez Hilton asserts that Lance is coming clean because he has to raise money. I dunno. I think it's to subconsciously replicate his cancer battle. His career is dead. Can he resurrect himself? We have a long history of forgiving a-holes, though usually just for sexual misconduct.

Speaking of sexual, the tabs say that Dita Von Teese and Russell Crowe had a steamy liaison. I can almost see it! And why wouldn't they? I don't see marriage, but I do see chemistry and good old-fashioned Hollywood hookup awesomeness.

A special blessing to Conrad Bain of Diff'rent Strokes and Dear Abby's Pauline Phillips, who passed away. Two greats gone. It don't matter that you got not a lot. They'll have theirs, you'll have yours and I'll have mine. And together we'll be fine. And, how can we live without those advice columns? In case you're feeling the void, I'd be happy to dish out advice (except I'm not licensed in anything--except an MA in French). That's just how nosy gossipy I am.

How Long Do You Give Mariah Before She Has a Hissy?

American Idol has a new star-studded judging roster. Will it save the show? After listening to J.Lo butcher the English language in her recent interview on Katie, I'm ready for a literate panel. And yet, with Christina's expanding body mass, Adam's whorishness, Simon's awesomeness, Britney's unpredictable brain chemistry and our song-contest fatigue, The Voice and X Factor will rule ratings. Come January, we might be more into Mad Men and less the damn competitions. Despite this, Dish enjoys Keith Urban because he was nice enough to marry Nicole. Mariah might spoil that pleasure with her butterfly bullshit ways. TG and I only watch the beginning auditions where everyone is bad. Hoping, praying there will be passive aggressive zingers between Mariah and Nicki.

Last night, Jay Pharoah premiered his Obama on SNL. Not bad, Jay! In fact, SNL sucked less than usual, thanks to Seth MacFarlane and this new cast. The show lost its heavy hitters, but I'm not so sure they weren't just dead wood. Let's hope the real stars shine (though it still needs stronger writing and less political correctness). Dish has a total professional crush on Seth. I'm not sure how he does it. He's completely brilliant. Possibly a psychopath.

You Found Me Out, New York Magazine!

And you've captured me beautifully. The glasses, the hair, the shoving a pill/Altoid in my mouth. My thanks. I'm truly blessed...and even more famous.

I don't need the tranquilizers on the subway anymore and last night marked a first as I also resisted Couples Therapy, the Ch1 special where celebrity has-beens rehash their toxic relationships. I realized, after DMX gave up his bottle to the counselor, that Vienna and Kasey now bore me to tears.

Celebrities should no longer be allowed to name their children. Jeremy Sisto and his babymama named his child Bastian Kick. It's abuse, like Dish trying to sing.

Tebow with the Jets? I'm not sure why this excites me. Maybe breathing life into this cursed franchise?

TG and I are now going to watch American Idol. We haven't followed it, but TG likes the show. I just enjoy the sunshine that is J.Lo and pretend that Steven Tyler is my secret daddy. I vote for Bar-Voice Blonde or Mr. Ponytail.