Hillary Opens Up a Can of Whoop-Ass!

It takes a hot broad to put these old white guys in their place, but that's what she did when she testified in front of the senate on the Benghazi affair. I love my Hillary. When I think about flying, about panic, about accidentally eating raw chicken and what if I die, I remember she's out there. My understanding of politics comes straight from CNN and thin air, but here's my thought about the Benghazi mess: Pourquoi the hysteria about why we didn't know all the information (unless your relative died--then I get it). Wouldn't you rather conduct a thorough investigation instead of spew bursts of what could be misinformation to a mostly ignorant population (I still love you, America)? Investigations take time.

See? I should be in the White House as Consumer of Frosted White House Sugar Cookies.

In this vein, I've realized I might take a punch for Lisa Vanderpump though I bruise like a peach. Not only does she look better now than she did thirty years ago, but she makes everything seem effortless because she's British. I love her, love her dog, love her clothes, love her husband. And of course, now I'm addicted to Vanderpump Rules, which is The Hills but with young people doing even LESS. The drama, oh the drama! Everyone is overreacting. Kristen is dating gayish Tom who uses all her product but he slept with a girl who used to live with him who Kristen accidentally met at a modeling shoot. Sheena (sp?) slept with a famous actor while he was married so all the other waitresses hate her (how could she? he's like MARRIED). Then while on the gay pride parade float, Sheena-homewrecker put suntan lotion of Jax's back while he was in a fight with Stassi (a blond tyrant, who's like 23 and doesn't want to like date a loser--please, that's when you happily START dating losers). Jax is a sad aging-manwhore-bartender but you could see him guesting on NCIs: Los Angeles as "The Guy Who ODs." Mayhem ensues where evil Frank moves in on Stassi and says Jax knocked up some hooker in Vegas. Out for revenge, Stassi drinks Jax's Cristal and leaves empty bottles for him to find--along with her rage-studded sick, I'm sure. Pump just wants her staff to work--leave the personal life at home. Such important life lessons. Can't wait till the next episode!

What Really Happened with Hillary

When Hillary took this picture with Meryl Streep, I got suspicious. Meryl is such a troublemaker. She gets into everyone's business with her flashy smile and I-don't-care-about-fame facade. You know she wants to topple governments. Meryl set out to seduce Hillary or at least fog her up so that she had no idea how to deal with Libya. MS could secretly be on Boehner's payroll though I haven't confirmed. In a gigantic lover's spat--I'm guessing a pool of strawberry jello was involved and lots of bikinis--Meryl knocked Hillary to the ground and gave her the concussion. The stomach virus was pure BS, like Bolton said. And the reason why Chelsea looks so distraught coming out of the hospital is not over her mother's health. No, it's that her mom devised this elaborate scheme to lie on her back and watch Real Housewives of Miami. Me too, Hills!

A picture is worth 150 words-ish.

Please Get Better So I Can Vote for You in 4 Years!

I have trouble with faith--though I did have Hope as my lab partner in 7th grade science. I never went to church except with my grandparents. Maybe I dabbled in Christianity (briefly), Buddhism, morethandabbledin Wicca, and, yes, read the Scientology textbook. I would love to pray, but to whom? When I consulted my mentor (aka the fabulous woman who married me and TG) about this recently, she said I should consider praying to the "Great Mystery." I like this, though I've changed this to General Motors General Manager. So, GM, please, please heal Hillary Clinton of her deep vein thrombosis so that she can be President in 4 years!!! That's my New Year's Wish.

I just scandalized Dishmama in calling John Bolton a f*ckhole for what he said about Clinton faking her illness. He must have been on his period to say such a stupid thing.

Today's News: So I Guess KK and Kanye Might Have Done It.

Dish might be too cynical. I thought the Kardashian machine concocted this relationship with Kanye not that I think he's you know not attracted to her in that way in an effort to boost their respective profiles. But it seems that his atonal seed found the environs of her child-bearing hips which could have been done through IVF and now she is carrying one of the most sought-after bebes ever. It's insane. Just when I think I can't be shocked. But still, Dish doesn't feel this will last more than a couple years. Underneath her sisterly love and well wishes, Khloe must be pisssssssed. The Kardashians keep finding more reasons to stay relevantish. Cannot wait to see this televised.

Happy New Year to you all!

Jon Tenney Graduates to Centrum Silver!

Dish took notice of this Closer dish in 1990 with Equal Justice. He was my imaginary boyfriend for a couple years, until Keanu Reeves rocked my world with Speed. What does this have to do with the price of pancakes? Today, Jon is much further into his fifties. Happy Birthday, Jon!

Mundane stuff that I'm following: John Kerry is probably going to be Secretary of State. I can totally see this. Current secretary Hillary Clinton got the stomach flu and then fainted and got a concussion. This is her parting gift after working like a dog? Give her a break, Health Fairies!

In trainwrecks, DJ Deadmau5 proposed to Kat Von D on twitter. I love my Ms. Von D, but fear that she always skates too close to the edge when it comes to the XYs. She said yes. I just ordered more of her fabulous lipsticks from Sephora!

An interesting tidbit written by Anonymous (who's written SO much over the last centuries) called Elimination Night about a number one reality show (um, ShmAmerican Shmidol?) and all the shenanigans behind the scenes. A character, like Shmennifer ShmLopez, is a total shmunt and Shmeven ShTyler is a bulge-tweeting letch. Another character resembling Shryan Shmeacrest is allegedly a highly functioning psychopath. I have it on pre-order, filled with joy that some people in the public eye are much more effed up than I am!

Finally, in celeb news, here is Mandy Patinkin losing his sh*t but in a most delightful way.
 
In summation, peace and love to the families who lost their children. I can't even imagine...

Sandy, Can't You See...?

Who is this stormy wench blistering her rage toward our precious coast JK, Dish loves frightening weather!? Is she just PMSing or really angry at how we treat our planet? You know with such a bad storm, she has to be at the worst part of her cycle. Maybe it's her scary Halloween present? I like to think Sandy is a delicious cookie. Any way you slice it, let's just rush to Duane Reade in a panic to get those D batteries and bottles of water. Let's watch the weather channel endlessly--you already are. Just in case of rising tides, I've been training to swim up to 94th street where I will temporarily live with Dishbrother and Dishbrothersidekick. They won't mind. If that's not drastic enough, I will run to a mountain, just like The Hobbit and Tweennerd did in Deep Impact.

It's all about Sandy and the Presidential race now -- a storm to represent the tumult in our land. We only have 2 months until the Mayans kill us off. I'm soaking up the life, especially that full circle feeling with politics offering the opportunity for old white men to talk about rape as if they know so much. Fresh from my own experience with this nightmare, Anita Hill and William Kennedy Smith were on trial. One had many white men treating her like dumb little girl for coming forward--which happens far too often, especially in cases of date rape and marital rape. The other case was part of the big family machine, therefore the rape never happened. Now, twenty-two years later, rape has become such a hot topic, which I find weird, especially since it's only mentioned in relation to abortion. It's one of those crimes that doesn't get the razzle dazzle treatment of a gunshot wound, though the emotional scars from rape last forever. I'm not outraged or sad that these dumb guys are saying such offensive things. It's just so obvious how sick they are. We can't burn them at the stake. The best thing is to ostracize them and not elect them. My other Dishfeeling is that when a politician talks about rape with such assurance (as in the body shuts down a pregnancy from legitimate rape), he has experience with violence -- who knows how -- and has somehow made it okay in his mind. That's a truly sad person.

With all the rape, economy, stuff, who's thinking about Jessica Simpson's father's divorce and the gay rumors? Well, probably no one.

The most important part about today is that it's Hillary Clinton's birthday. I hope she had a great day, that someone brought her a cake and gave her hugs. It's a loaded three days as three of my favorite celebs have birthdays through Sunday. Hand me a lampshade.

Because I can't vote for Hillary...

Along with these celebrity women, I will shamelessly endorse Obama especially since Gloria Steinem and Jane Lynch are for him and I'll do anything for those bitches. Are you ready for the debates? I'm so excited I couldn't sleep these last three days. Just call me CNN's whore. I might wander over to FOX so that I can be balanced.

Leave it to the media to pit two women against each other, though it seems to be real fighting. Nicki and Mariah are practically bar-brawling on American Idol. Do I hear the sound of shrinking testicles? As much as Mariah is a diva, Nicki is just being trashy and immature. She's new to the business. If I were her, I'd let Mariah be in the spotlight, otherwise, Nicki's going to make enemies and everyone will hate her. If you don't have love, you're left with talent and she doesn't seem to have much of that. Mariah, at least, has a great voice--though her vibrato is irritating. Oh well, Dish is only interested in catching glimpses of Nicole Kidman in the audience Keith Urban's serene countenance.

TG made a delicious Coq au Vin yesterday. What did I do to deserve this angel?

Tommy Lee is 50. He's an adorable metal dork. Remember his going-back-to-school reality show? Loved it!

So, Hillary Clinton is a little tired and overweight?

This according to former NYT editor Edward Klein. Well, here are some male politicians who look like shit.

Dish's 2012 Wishes and Predictions

1. Julia Roberts will make a romantic comedy -- something light and fluffy where she will laugh uproariously and spout repeatable lines. Please, Julia! (Sean Penn should do one too because he's still kind of hot--well, he reminds me a lot of TG--and you two would be great)
2. Sofia Vergara will win SOMETHING. She is amazing and needs recognition pronto. Don't judge her because her melones fairly pop out of her dresses.
3. Annoyances will fade from our psychic landscape: the Kardashians (still like Kris Jenner, though), the Lohans
4. Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani will run for President which will make us laugh even harder at the parade of fools in this campaign.
5. Mad Men, Dexter, The Closer, and Breaking Bad will shock our faces off with amazing new seasons.
6. Please God, let me not even turn on The Bachelor which premieres January 16th. I got so screwed last year with Brad and Emily.
7. I will meet a huge celebrity (2011 brought Anderson Cooper but we can aim higher--especially since HE NEVER AIRED OUR SHOW).
8. Queer As Folk will return. Please? Even if Gale and Hal don't mesh.
9. A tabloid, production company, star will hire me as a consultant and overall delight. I am an expert.
10. An A-lister will fart on The View and it won't be Whoopi.
11. Demi will find true love again before Ashton and she'll stick with the kids.
12. Demi and Courtney Cox will look even more alike in 2012 thanks to a new treatment developed in Switzerland.
13. Derek Jeter will finally get married.
14. Hillary Clinton and her ever-growing blond locks will find even more success as she rises higher. More streakers will parade through official events and she will laugh like a bar floozy, which we love.
15. An A-list divorce will shock the hell out of everyone.
16. January Jones reveals the Lord as the father of her child.
17. Britney gets pregnant and married.
18. Olivia Wilde will leave Jason Sudeikis in the dust for someone more famous...and off limits.
19. Jane Lynch will do a dramatic role that has us gasping in wonder. Okay, I'm projecting here. I basically want people I like to rule the world. Is there anything wrong with that?
20. Getting back to Julia, she and I will embark on a lacy-beaded shawl knitting pattern this year. Race ya.
21. Bryan Cranston will be declared God.
22. I'm going to have a beer.

Dish Is Thankful...

*for amazing powers of prediction with the marriages of Kim Kardashian, J.Lo, Demi & Ashton, Christopher Knight, Olivia Wilde and the frequent jailings in the Lohan family.

*that J.R. Martinez won Dancing with the Stars, though I knew he would from Day #1. I'm thankful not because of his service to our country, but his service to All My Children, which went off the air, for which I'm *not* thankful. The last show was an epic WTF.

*that there's a light at the end of the dark Julia tunnel that was Larry Crowne.

*that Gale Harold is employed on The Secret Circle, though the show doesn't compel me.

*that I have such a wonderful husband who married me on 1/16/11 and I'm thankful I didn't faint at the altar and only needed 1/2 of 1/2 of a tranquilizer.

*that I got to hug Anderson Cooper this year.

*that with minimal effort, I can bring back a flat stomach.

*for Born to Run by Christopher MacDougall.

*that Hillary Clinton isn't vilified as much and she's being recognized.

*for my Tom Ford glasses. Not sure if they'll be cool in six months.

*for the extra space in my accidental purchase of men's jeans a size too big.

*for my family, friends, and health.

Vavavavoom!

Star Sighting--Rhea Perlman!!!

3:15 pm, between 18th and 19th on Seventh Avenue. I crawled my way home after a run and saw Carla from Cheers, pulling her hood over her face to deflect the rain. Love her! Would she have cared if I'd told her how much Born to Run by Christopher MacDougall was inspiring me? Maybe not.

Lots o' procreatin' and recreatin': Can you believe Hillary Duff is preggo? I'm shocked they'd let a sixteen-year-old have sex. Oh wait...maybe she's aged since The Perfect Man starring her and Heather Locklear (who got engaged this weekend). Partying aficionado Tara Reid got married hours after being engaged to Zack Kehayov. Efficient! Jessica Alba popped out a girl.

Today's Douchefest: Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry are thoroughly running for Prez. Bachmann is way smarter than Palin but, yish, she answered very few of David Gregory's questions on Meet The Press. Does she not realize how antiquated her views are? And Rick Perry's syrup fulfilled my sugar quota for the day. Americans must be smart enough to see through both of them. I don't see a single viable candidate anywhere (Hillary?).

Indiana State Fair stage collapsed, killing five and injuring countless others. Too sad for words.

I Wish I Could Quit You!

I lasted 24 hours without a blog. The second I determined to end, the news just kept pouring into my brain. I tried to read. I took a walk. I read a couple pages of a Latin textbook to refresh my talent. Crocheted a row of a baby blanket. Watched two episodes of Snapped and flashed my husband a gleaming smile. It's too late for me to shut off the noise.

Yesterday, I might have seen Rupert Everett circa 1pm on 18th and 7th. The Rupert I saw had super-Gingie hair, like Dish's. He might have gotten into a strange fight with a bottle of bleach/henna. If it wasn't Rupert, it was the product of a night of passion between Rupert and Prince Harry. That's twisted, even for me.

TMZ reports that Camille Grammer hints that Kelsey's wiener is small. Very tacky and even tackier that I would repeat this news. Camille was one of the housewives I liked, after all. Millions of dollars must have helped make the medicine go down for thirteen years of marriage with Kelsey. It's funny these things come out after the fact.

A fun entity to follow on Twitter: @condeelevator. The anonymous person in charge would so get fired if caught. Which makes the stakes higher. I see a movie deal.

Former teen idol (I have no idea why, David Cassidy way cuter) Leif Garrett was in a serious motorcycle accident. He has whizzed his life away. Uck, the news is so depressing: Rick Perry is running for President, though this helps Obama's chances, doesn't it? My sister-in-law, who lives in Texas, says not to predict any campaign. Still want Hillary....

Still feeling unclean after watching Bachelor Pad.

Her Name Is Rio and She's Finally Walking Down The Aisle

Dish is floating on a cloud of ecstasy. Not real ecstasy as one sees on Queer As Folk, but the kind you feel when you know you're walking down the aisle to Duran Duran's "Rio." Mission Accomplished: Dish Style! Now I just have to wait until January 16, 2011.

Happy Birthday, Hillary Clinton! I read a fun story in Cindy Adams's column: NM Gov. Bill Richardson was turned away from Bubba's party. HAHAHAHA! When you turn your back on Hillary, you lose Clinton friendship...and you lose DISH!

Charlie Sheen made some crazy at the Plaza early this morning. I'm hearing professional escort, cocaine, overdose, nakedness, cops. Now that's my idea of a family vacation.

Toni Collette and Mariah Carey--Preggers!

Hillary Clinton's Sexy New Hair!

She makes Middle East peace negotiations muy caliente. Loving the longer, shaped hair and some zestier fashions (i.e. wild green rehearsal dinner dress). Is Hillary going through a new phase? Whatever it is, we like it!

Hmmm, I Wonder Who's Going to Jail!?

Someone spilled the beans to me about Lindsay Lohan, though I averted my eyes before learning too much. Now I only wish I could have seen her cry as the judge handed down the sentence. No. Stop it, Dish. Does Nick Rhodes degrade himself like this? Do he and Hillary Clinton lower themselves like this? (Maybe Nick does--hoo hoo hee hee haa haa)Enough Tomfoolery! I will not yield to such star-schadenfreude.

Today, I picked up Proust instead of Perez, learning about the magnificence of a phallic steeple piercing the violet velvet sky. How gay!

Dish's Stance on Health Care

Today was the big vote on Health Care, an issue that has lingered like a wet cat fart. As a campaign issue, Obama's better health care seemed so exciting. He did a great job of making Hillary, W. and everyone before him seem incompetent. Health care has been debated to the point where a paltry compromise has been reached. Most important, it's sad to me that not everyone can get a prescription for Ativan and Xanax; those in lower income brackets need these drugs the most. Even great healers, like House and Nurse Jackie, need drugs, and my nurse friend says medical professionals get crappy care. I'm with the liberals on this issue, casting my vote for the public option since experiencing it for a few years in France--the only country that diagnosed my (minor) heart problem, fixed my diet and cured all sorts of ailments without fanfare or great expense. Here, I pay far too much for a dermatologist to look at the freckles on my ass. And I am insured.

Celebrity gossip that makes us happy we're not so messed up!

What seems to be true:

OMP Kevin Costner has donated his wrinkly sperm to yet another cause: Baby #6. He's getting up into Steven Seagal/Mel Gibson territory with his brood. Overpopulation is not a problem.

Amy Poehler is pregs with Baby #2. Let's hope this sidelines her show Parks and Recreation, which makes me sleep.

What could be a pack of lies:

Sandra Bullock's once-interesting husband Jesse James might be implicated in an affair, which is why he's no longer interesting. This is evidence of the Oscar curse, at least for women. The husbands seem to cheat or get Erectile Dysfunction after the female spouse wins: Halle, Reese, Hillary, Julia, Kate (see next point), Gwyneth, now Sandra!

Sam Mendes might be the cause of the split with Kate Winslet as rumors circulate that he's been stepping out with Rebecca Hall. Now must IMDB her. It's okay because he's a fat slob since American Beauty and Kate's gorgeous.

You're So Much Cuter in Person...

Hillary Clinton's lengthening her tresses and sashaying around Saudi Arabia like Pamela Anderson. It reminds me a little of when Simon Le Bon transformed from short "Hungry Like the Wolf" hair into full-on girl in "Wild Boys." Bottom line is I approve of 1. her hair and 2. her efforts to solve the world's crises. Let it all hang out! We're done with the perky short-haired school marm.
Other people I approve of: Paulina Porizkova, who complained about how Anna Wintour didn't acknowledge her in the bathroom at a recent event. Twenty-five years ago, Paulina was a powerful model, so why not give her a little respect? Does it kill to say hello? Dish fantasizes about the day Vogue's resident ET gets shoved in an elevator with a group of underlings. All that muslin, fur, silk and big phony-baloney glasses won't save her from falling down a shaft.
Nice thoughts. Nice thoughts. TG sitting nearby. That's nice.

Dish for New York Senate!

I feel we need to start from scratch in the New York Senate. Schumer dissed our Hillary and Gillenblond is too conservative. Last night, Harold Ford, Jr. got his hiney smacked by Stephen Colbert and I found him annoying from the onset. We need someone new. Someone who will tell you:

who's effing who in the Capitol
who hires prostitutes for those long "good will" missions overseas
who burps and farts during meetings
whose wife is an ice princess
who's secretly insane
who eats like a big fat hog

We need DISH in the Senate!

Putting On Airs

TG and I thought Obama's State of the Union speech started out slow and trite, but gained momentum. Because TG makes cynical comments, it caught me off guard to hear him say, "Good for you," at our President. (I still vote for Hillary in my heart)

As successful as this speech was to us, I'm afraid the most noteworthy news of the day is that Jessica Simpson allegedly farted in a business meeting. I hate meetings, too. For my own sanity, I try to imagine celebs shooting cannon fire but it can be difficult. I'm sure Meryl Streep has never farted. If she did, it would go unnoticed. I have the feeling Matthew McConaughey lets loose a spate of dynamite as he's playing his bongos, asphyxiating all of Austin, Texas.

Speaking of gas, the Grammy's are this weekend. I adore music but these melodic functions put the dumbest people in the universe into one room.

Cleaning Like a Freaking Madwoman

Command decision: No cleaning behind the fridge for TG's arrival, not until things get serious. I said I wouldn't get a menorah either until it became more obvious things would work out--but Dish might surprise him. 5 days until cohabitation.

In gossip: Tiger is taking time off from golf (I predict 2 minutes of retirement) and Jenny Sanford filed for divorce. It's refreshing to have a wife ditch a cheating husband. Though I love my Hillary, there have been far too many high-profile women enduring public humiliation and sticking by their feeble partners. I'm not in their shoes and it takes special strength to give someone a chance after that. I dunno, though, the 13 mistresses and unprotected sex are a deal-breaker for Dish.

Go, Jenny Sanford. It will only get better from here.