TV is just no good anymore

I'm canceling Scandal from my DVR schedule. I hate the characters. All Kerry Washington does is yell orders into a phone. The script is too Sorkin-esque. It has to die. This sh*t is why people watch reality TV. Homeland and Cupcake Wars all the way.

Was so blue and stressed yesterday I bought my 4th ticket to see Jersey Boys. Dish has to check out the new cast. Jarrod Spector is such an awesome Frankie. As I blasted the soundtrack, it became evident that I experienced The Four Seasons in another life or they've become my new Duran Duran while the band is on hiatus. What's the truth? I need Shirley MacLaine and John Edward, STAT!!! 

TG yelled at me for hovering while he got ready for work. I'm passive aggressively soaking my rings in salt water. And then I'm ironing a messy double-crease on his pants!!!

"I'm Crying in My Jello Shots, Y'All!"

Oh, Emily Maynard, what are you doing? Dish used to believe in you and your giant fake teeth! Am I to believe what I'm reading--that your Bachelorette love with Jef Holm is a sham? First you get chosen by Brad Womack and you can't hold him down. Sure, he was a scary rageaholic bar-owner, but you could have had everlasting bliss in Texas, dammit!!! Now Dish is totally writing you off, Engagedthreetimes Maynard. I don't care how darling you are or that Dolly blessed your search for love. I'm going to believe the whispers that you really want $$$ and your own reality show! Arie Shiny-face dodged a bullet!

Just caught the first episode of Scandal and I might never watch it again. It's all about Kerry Washington yelling out orders and giving speeches. Yawn. Bring on the hunkalicious presidential debates!!!

Facebook crisis: I have this Friend, we'll call her Madame X, and I check her profile every few days. Sometimes I comment, though not usually because I already feel like a stalker. We're not really friends, but our paths crossed for a few years and I worship her. She does things I wouldn't dare venture. Every update makes me giddy and when she "likes" my status, it's like having Julia Roberts notice you're alive. So, after my FB fast, I checked to see if she posted anything new and SHE WAS GONE. I wondered if maybe she caught on to my mild stalking because it's all about me. I checked mutual friends lists and she was gone there. Since I've seen so many episodes of Snapped, Deadly Women and Dateline, I frantically checked the web to see if something bad happened. Nothing. I hope she just decided to unplug from the world for a while because that's something I want to do, too, but can't venture right now. Best wishes, Madame X, wherever you are.

Are You Going to Watch The Conversation with Amanda de Cadenet?

Tonight on Lifetime. It's supposed to be a frank show where stars reveals juicy tidbits about their lives. And who better to host than my former nemesis, the woman I've tried to erase from my mind since I was 23, Amanda de Cadenet. She is a triple threat: blonde, gorgeous and British.

I like a good show featuring women, though am curious that it might be too canned. Maybe the stars will give us a little nugget with a cute smirk, then back to revealing a better version of their public selves. Except for Sarah Silverman and I'll watch for her and it's hard not to stare at AdC's flawless prettiness. I applaud AdC for having a different and specific kind of show. Who wouldn't want to be provocative yet coy and sit next to AdC, who is truly glam?

My only real beef is that on the show, AdC alleges she married Duran Duran's John Taylor at 16, but Dish remembers another version. Picture it: Dishbiologicalfather's house. Yellow kitchen. Dish is temping at a place that builds rockets in a suburb of Cleveland (there is nothing sadder), home for vacation. On the news came the thunderbolt that severed my heartstrings. Not only did John Taylor marry someone other than me but someone younger (4 years younger, not 7). This meant that when I was 14, bemoaning being too young for him, it was all for naught.

Oh God, why am I arguing with myself? I can't fight the system or the lure of glossy stars talking "candidly" with one of the most gorgeous model/personality/actress/photographers on Earth. But first, might rewatch ludicrous male fantasy flick she was in called Fall, in which she alludes to her flatulence. This evens the score.

Never mind all of the above. Scandal takes precedence. Or maybe I'll just knit and stare at TG while he reads.

Scandal Is the New Smash!

I have another guilty pleasure, along with crappy Smash. I never intended to watch Scandal since Shonda Rhimes creation Grey Anatomy bores me with its implausible plots. Scandal is even worse! Kerry Washington plays this crabby situation fixer who trusts her gut and banters with her crew like an Aaron Sorkin script. She's all about the riot act. Oh and one more thing, she has this tormented relaysh with THE FREAKING PRESIDENT!!! Everyone's heard of Olivia because she's so kickass, though has no fun in her personality, which makes her kinda one-note. You can tell she's good at her job because her delivery is so deadpan. I wish I could stop watching it. I just can't get enough of White House scandals and Tony Goldwyn is well-cast, though reminds me of prep school headmaster.

Then I caught up with The Good Wife and it seems Matthew Perry will be on for a while. Alan Cumming let his gelled shock of dark hair fall boyishly over his face while in bed with Parker Posey. Adorbs!

A source came forward to tell me that Person of Interest films in a certain hood often and they always leave behind the biggest pile of sh*t behind. My source has complained with the city. Other shows are so much cleaner and respectful.