Downton Abbey's Shocking Finale

Spoiler--don't read this unless you saw last night's carnage on DA. Season 3 is over, boo to the hoo. FB burns bright with outrage over the demise of Melatonin Matthew. Hate me if you must, but I'll say it here: I'm not sad that his character died. That's what happens when you're happy and driving wildly on a one-lane road. The open-eye dead face wasn't fun, but still, I didn't cry. He was whiny and boring, he wouldn't give his oodles of money to save his wife's family house out of PRINCIPLE. What a d*ck. Mary is always depressed, too. She needs someone sparky--and judging from rumors alone, she'll get him in Season 4! I only wish they'd bring back Shirl. Dish doesn't like real-life drama so much, but on TV, please be outrageous.

I'm still mourning the death of Mindy McCready, though I only knew her intimately from Celebrity Rehab--another talented soul battling mental illness and addiction. She seemed so tormented, as if nothing would have helped. If I am ever that ill, I might have TG drop me in the middle of nowhere, work on a farm, live simply. This might drive me insane since Tropical B*tch Sandy nearly sent me off a cliff. Dish needs her Angry Birds! TG's welcome to commit me, no questions asked (as long as it's all televised).

Once again, Alec Baldwin can't seem to control himself. He might have uttered a racial slur, he might not have. Who knows? TG remarked that Alec needs to stay controversial since he's out of a job. He's very astute about the stars, that TG.

Dish official Oscar ruling: I pick Argo for best picture, despite artistic license in some areas. It's a no frills, modest tale with very good performances.

Another preggo: Fergie of BEP
Khloe Kardashian fired from The X Factor

If You See Kevin Bacon on the Subway, Say Hello!

This tidbit comes courtesy of TG, who is obviously revealing his closet-love of the stars. I like to live in a world where Kevin is friendly, waving to us, and breaking into his Footloose dance. But I also remember a time when a now famous personality brought a group of friends through Central Park and they all waved at Kev & Kyra. K&K sneered and covered their faces. Well, I would have run in the opposite direction because of, well, a certain parade where women were assaulted in the park. You just never know and celebs need extra protection.

You know I'm a fool for love because I'd give up Downton Abbey I've already watched all of season 3--and my reaction, Dishbrother says, means I've a heart of stone to watch Rachael vs. Guy Celebrity Cookoff. It's down to Dean and Carnie Wilson. TG and I love Carnie, because she's a mess. Don't give her too many crayons at once otherwise she'll have a hissy. I adore Dean since Tori Spelling and I have been imaginary friends these last 20 years. Dean's the better chef, I think.

Oh God...I forgot...Smash Trash is BACK! And I forgot to watch this sh*tty sh*tty show that I'm totally obsessed with. Give me more weird Anjelica face/bob, bad Messing clothes because she's so artsy and NYC, soapy story-lines, McPhee dead-behind-the-eyes, wimpy hubby, pretentious Brit director who married Debra's cheating sister Amy Adams in The Wedding Date knows everything, unamazing music and well, I can't get enough.

Superblow 2013!

Ha! Dishbrother came up with that title. Tough times for Dish figuring out which team to support. A 49er made a gay slur, so it's all Ravens. Then again, I adore San Fran the city more than Balti, so 49ers. But then I saw the 49ers' ugly tan leggings and my choice became clear. Beyonce's on right now. I can't imagine she's singing live, but she's bringing it. How does she move in those heels? I'm going to wear her outfit to work and see how fast I'm told to leave immediately. Holy bananas, Destiny's Child. Okay gotta go.

Here's a touching Ellen/Portia moment. The best part is the last two minutes. So Dish has 10 minutes left of Downton Abbey season 3 and the really bad thing hasn't happened yet. My world hasn't been rocked yet. It's apparently so awful and I won't believe it.

So, Leann Wasn't Crying Yesterday...

But I was. Today has been smooth sailing except:


Screw you, Downton Abbey. I'm fine with the drama of Sunday's episode, but how could you put everyone in such hell? Poor Elizabeth McGovern and her sweet tears. DA should be all nicey nice. Then again, there was some dead wood on the show. If only they'd release Bates from jail. He could boost everyone's spirits (quiet, Dishbrother! I know you hate Bates, spit on little old ladies and kick puppies!). Also, I'm mostly eager for Edith to get laid.

The Bachelor: Sean is telling too many girls, "I'm crazy about you." I'm not sure who I want to win. Possibly the adopted girl. She's super nice, deserving, heart of gold--but can she be sexy? That's the thing I want to tell girls: having issues, acting mopey may get you attention, but it's not sexy. I wish I'd known this. Luckily, Sean sent home one of the barking-crazy girls.

Today's rumor: That Alec Baldwin impregnated his hot yoga teaching wife. Makes sense. Why wouldn't he? She could do yoga during her pregnancy. I don't like yoga. Is that bad?

Why Lindsay should just go to jail or rehab for a year. She called in sick for court tomorrow today--sudden respiratory infection--but was spotted shopping and smoking today. I can't even believe she's out on the streets. I am tired when I imagine living her life and its vicious circles.

Downton Abbey--Spoilers and Thoughts

Finally--I am all caught up and saw the juiciness of Season 3's premiere. Overall, it's moving along nicely. Boring and Boring got married and are now boring in bed. Shirl, all trussed up in her 1920 old-lady finery, played Cora's mamala in a more understated way, which was sheer brilliance. Why? Because she can't out-do Maggie nor should she try. Of course, they made her sing. Wish only she'd hiked up her skirt and showed off her showgirl legs, given us some jazz hands. Edith still needs a good lay. The mystery for me is why Dishbrother hates Bates. I finally figured it out: because Bates is earnest, portly and crippled. It's like hating puppies and kittens!!! No but seriously, Dish sort of sees it now. Bates is kind of a sad sack, one of those people that always attracts trouble. The romantic fire between him and Anna is gone. So who am I rooting for? As always, Elizabeth McGovern because she's the most beautiful woman ever and the most tolerant wife. Imagine, she's supportive of her husband (i.e. the finance person in Notting Hill, as in he got to meet JULIA!) after he pisses away her millions. I'd kick him unconscious and then make him pay for dinner. No, I'd probably do what EM did, too, since I don't care about $$$.

Review of Vanderpump Rules: Don't even bother. Lisa Vanderpump is intriguing, like candy to watch but this show sucks major donkey dong. The setting is a nice restaurant, lots of hot waitresses and bartenders and their hotness. The plot: mostly Shasta and Fresca fighting, putting on superior waitress airs. Everyone hates Shasta because she slept with a married celebrity, like they wouldn't have done the same thing. It's a giant pile of the green stuff that came out of a donkey's ass on my white shoes when I was five and living in Paris. We were at the park. 


Review of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter: Abe's mom gets murdered and he's PISST. He goes after the vampire killer but his weenie human powers are no match for the undead! Somehow, Abe escapes, revenge burning hot in his loins. The boyfriend from Mamma Mia witnesses Abe's impotence from afar and decides to help him trash vampires. He montage-trains Abe to fight, lots of thrusting and ax-play -- because that's how you kill the undead. Then Abe meets Mary Todd, a sweet young thing. I'm sure he marries her and whatever. I stopped watching.

Single and Ready to Take You into Outer Space!!!

Get out your laciest lingerie, ladies, because astronaut Buzz Aldrin is officially divorced! Maybe not so fast. This announcement comes just in time for songstress Taylor Swift. Poor girl might have broken up with One Direction's Harry Styles, something about a fight, she stormed off, that New Year's kiss all for nothing. Dishreaders, I don't think any of this is an accident. Hef and Crystal Harris are paving the way for the May-December romance in 2013. Gray is the new black. Taylor now needs some sweet lovin' from this space pilgrim. Otherwise, I'm sorry, Taylor, but you've reached your star-hunk quota.

Dish missed Downton Abbey last night and precious time with TG before his trip is cutting into my viewing of The Bachelor. What's a girl to do? I'm too ashamed to turn on the TV right now because he'll see what I watch. He doesn't buy that I like to observe female bonding in an unnatural situation.

Okay, he's brushing his teeth now, is about to go read his hoity-toity smart people books. I'm going to watch Sean Lowe (aka my cousin--not by blood, but he totally could be) try to choose Mrs. Right from 26 babes.

Thomas Gibson Arrest? So Unfair!!!

Forget racial profiling, what about celebrity profiling? Every day it seems the police are bringing in another trashed gorgeous person, who might have had a nip or two of the bubbly. Don't we have standards? Aren't there real criminals roaming the streets? It's like, if you're Lindsay or now Thomas Gibson, you can't have a drink or seven without having the fuzz come at you like black crows on a carcass.

Why I'm a great wife: Tonight is the premiere of Downton Abbey--with SHIRLEY MACLAINE for whom I'd take a bullet. I've waited months and months and months. Because TG has suffered through many hours of DishTV, we're watching his choice: Rachael vs. Guy Celebrity Cookoff. He's rooting for Gilbert Gottfried. Dish is rooting for Tori Spelling's husband.

One of my favorite moments on TV. If you don't like it, don't worry--I have a million favorites.

Justin Bieber, Smoking Doobies? NO WAY!!!

For the love of MaryJane, what is this I'm hearing about our favorite heartthrob even being in the vicinity of marijuana, much less smoking it? I'm bathing in pools of denial. All the tabs are aghast, flaunting pics of Boober holding a joint--like he's the President getting serviced by an intern. Sure, it's illegal in most states, but come on--he's a celebrity and a teenager with access to every possible sin. Dish is not implying she committed the same act at his age often, though props must be given that he doesn't have a needle in his arm on a daily basis. It's stressful being a teen role model. You don't even know.

Speaking of substance, Josh Brolin was arrested for public intoxication. Do you think Barbra bailed him out of the slammer? Oh wait, he's married to Diane Lane. Maybe they went together. Josh scares me, though is one of my favorite actors ever and should win an Oscar like yesterday.

I forgot: Downton Abbey comes back tomorrow, with our Shirl! She's only in a couple episodes (which makes me suspicious). I'll take it! Let's hope the season is all about Maggie, Lizzie McGovern, Bates and Anna and not the boring William and Mary--zzzzz.

Everyone is saying Lance Armstrong is going to confess to doping. It's the PC thing to do. But one can't forget, we're dealing with an a-hole here (I am very glad he survived cancer, would never wish him ill, but I still hold a grudge on behalf of my friend). A-holes tend to stay self-righteous, unless it's to fake remorse, which could result in another book deal and movie rights. Damn, he's totally going to confess....

So Glad I Don't Work in Television!

Dish must remain cryptic about television appearance for another week--maybe another 5 days--but TG and I did our taping today. We enjoyed our one minute of air-time, though the 5 hours of waiting without adequate snacks took its toll. Don't get me wrong, we would do it again and again. Just next time, we're bringing work and a suitcase full of breakfast and lunch. The host of the show was as cute as a bug's ear. Still, we didn't get to meet her or him. We were quarantined from all celebrities--which we understood as normal (Anderson spoiled us rotten). At this taping, I *did* recognize the brother of one of my FAVORITEST moviestars and this was enough to make me hyperventilate. Proximity to a star or shared celebrity DNA is enough for Dish! Everyone associated with Adorable Host was lovely and helpful. The makeup artist was a delight and she gave me Kris Jenner eyes, which has opened new avenues for future Sephora outings. My hair turned out like crap, and I blame my overuse of Aveda's anti-humectant pommade and the sad mistake of thinking I can live without JJ for one second (I won't make that mistake again). So I look like the Human League from 30 years ago. At least I had my moment in the sun and you'll see soon how wonderful my husband is.

Other news:

1. M.I.A. split with gazillionaire beau/babydaddy. Maybe that's what the finger was for--or just to the universe itself.

2. Real Housewives of BH Reunion 2: I hated Brandi at first but now I love her, especially since she admitted to slashing her cheating ex's tires. What a complicated person you don't want to mess with. She's like the Oracle of Delphi. A truth teller, especially on taboo topics. Power to strong women!

3. Downton Abbey: I may be killed for saying this but I'm not enjoying this season as much. All the war stuff is so depressing. Wanna make a bet William's wiener will start working again, which will disrupt all of Mary's plans? Let's get back to Bates.

4. Proposition 8 ruled unconstitutional today! Wahoo!

5. Demi Moore is in rehab and apparently not allowed to look at the scale. I won't if you won't, Demi!!! I need Spanx for my Spanx!

Delicious is the New Fabulous!

Since when are people "delicious?" I've been hearing this word used while gushing at others and it vexes me. Am now burying rage in the Superbowl, rooting for the Giants, scooping Cool Whip onto leftover Dulce De Leche ice cream.

Smash has been getting rave reviews so I had to watch. I'm a little song-tired but I tend to like Debra Messing and want her to succeed. Smash is Broadway focused, with dishy theater glitz and the usual pushy ahole divas running the show. Katherine McPhee is lovely and talented. I keep expecting an Ethel Merman to re-emerge. I miss the real gusto and character in a singing voice--like a Lady Gaga who really puts herself in a song, without needing to close her eyes to convey emotion. I wasn't blown away by Smash but it's okay. Then again...this is what I said about Prison Break, Glee, Queer As Folk and 24. Then I got hooked.

Who's glued to Downton Abbey tonight? And who thinks Bates is the new Darcy? DISH!

I'm Taller Than Glenn Close!

How awesome is that? Here I was thinking she was at least Uma-sized. How twisted that I would research her height, personal details for my own satisfaction. Today I pondered how Glenn must feel to be in Meryl's shadow all the time or maybe I imagine this. I love them both and feel they serve distinct purposes. Glenn chews scenery so deliciously. Meryl gets a moving truck and inhabits a scene. I sort of would like to see them in a flick together. Maybe as bakery owners who fall for the same man. They wind up throwing yeast at each other and cackle like witches.

Today's news: Bryce Dallas Howard birthed a wee bairn, female. Penn coach Joe Paterno died, kinda Greek tragique. Dish is caught up on Downton Abbey (Bates + Anna 4evs!). So much football today all of which I missed. Some tabloids are reporting that Heidi and Seal are not splitting up but the marriage is rocky. Could it be to get more publicity? I wouldn't put it past Ms. Stepford-eyed fraulein!

And now, I must to bed.

I Will Never Doubt Meryl Streep Again...

She was so good in The Iron Lady I could barely breathe. I tried to picture myself doing what she does. I couldn't. She created so many layers to Margaret Thatcher, both Dishmama and I thought we were watching Thatcher herself. She is that good. If she doesn't win the Oscar, they are just wrong. While I wouldn't say The Iron Lady is Best Picture or that the humanizing of Thatcher contained subtlety, Streep is magnificent and I remembered so much of the history in the movie. Though no Duran Duran references, which vexed me greatly. Whoever did the costumes should also win an Oscar.

The big news this weekend and another sign of the apocalypse: The one woman that frightens Dish more than real animals digitized to talk: Heidi Klum is set to file for divorce from Seal. What went wrong? I don't understand. I thought they made beautiful music together.

Latest obsession: Downton Abbey, which revives old girl crush on Elizabeth McGovern and ignites a new deep love for the honorable Bates. No need for TG to be jealous as Bates could be my uncle.