Finally Jennifer Aniston Is No Longer Desperate!!!

Justin Theroux has saved Jen Aniston from a long, path of despair and shriveled ovaries. Brad Pitt dumped her for another woman and Jen's suffered ever since, pulling her flaxen hair into a silky sheen and beating her breasts until they became swollen mounds of bitterness. Gosh, ever since Brad left her, she's been plagued by her gazillions of dollars, making movies and dating high profile men. These last seven years have been UNLIVABLE...until now. Until Justin put a ring on her finger. But seriously, I'm happy for J.A....I mostly want her to choose better projects. Liked her in Derailed and Horrible Bosses.

At least execs are taking the Chad Johnson arrest seriously. He's been cut from the Miami Dolphins and his reality show axed. Now can we focus on more important items? Today I saw a picture of Kim Kardashian in a bikini. Good for her. I sort of like the not-skinny celeb "flaunting her curves*." I did this in Orlando 10 years ago, turning into the state's reddest lobster. Thank Jebus, no one documented my freckled derriere spilling out of my rainbow bikini. Kim's tush adores the camera way more. It's really hard not to look at it, but Dish knows female butts. KK's is so well sculpted that it can't be real. There has to be a combination of lypo and implants somewhere, even though she went to a doctor who verified that her butt was genuinely gigantic.**

I am not well.

Rest in peace, Helen Gurley Brown -- trailblazer extraordinaire who never denied the "girl" in the girl.

*The common term for "fat."
**That said, TG and I are obsessed with the Kardashians, a year after everyone else.

This Could Be a Disaster

Dishbrother and I fear that Meryl Streep's The Iron Lady will be the new Mommie Dearest. The poster is just too much. I enjoyed Meryl's Julia Child, but have the icky 6th sense her Thatcher will have us rolling in the aisles and not in a good way. Bon appetit! Scrub, Christina, scrub!!!

Day 3 of Ashgate: Demi and Ashton were caught celebrating Rosh Hashanah together today. That's MADNESS! Ash's alleged bed partner is allegly trying to make tons of money over the tryst. Did she CSI the "remains" of the lay? I wonder what Demi/Ashton are doing right now. Do they care what I'm doing? Dish is posted in front of a fan, hoping the dank heat in the apartment lifts. Oh hell, maybe it's early menopause. Cut to Samantha from Sex and the City hurling her wig into the audience and wiping her boob sweat.

Speaking of boobs, the buzz is that Chris Christie might run for Prez. As a resident of New Jersey, Dishmama is, no doubt, fuming. But can we cut the fat jokes? David Letterman did a dull, offensive top 10 that probably incensed most of America.

Justin Theroux woke up to bologna on his motorcycle. There are so many jokes one could make.

The Big C finale has blown my mind with one of those "twists." And just started watching one of 5 last episodes of All My Children. Seeing Angie and Jesse together made me sob like a jackass.

Ghosts in the Machine

TG discovered a ghost tracker app on iPad and last night we communicated with ghosts in our apartment. I was ready to bake cookies for the ghost(s) until today when TG recanted his belief in the presence, claiming, "That app will say anything." Maybe we've watched too many A Haunting in...

Lovely article on the plight of redheads by Katherine Bindley: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/katherine-bindley/redheads_b_921627.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009. She nails it.

Say a prayer for Jani Lane, former lead singer of Warrant, who died at 47. So many celebrity deaths related to substance abuse.

This will cheer you up: Heather Locklear is engaged to Jack Wagner and Snooki is signed up for Dancing With the Stars. Feel better now?

Patti Stanger has weighed in on Jennifer Aniston's relationship with Justin Theroux--thank gawd--and so has everyone else and so will I. Tabloids are saying Jen is desperate for a baby. She'll mount any geyser of swimmers. Then she'll latch onto him with powerful invisible handcuffs and shriek at him that he must never leave her. Like the primal she-monkey, if she doesn't have her mans, she'll cry bitter tears to the four corners of the Earth. My feeling is: Why would Jennifer Aniston ever be desperate? She has dough, friends, can sign on to do just about any movie she wants, could date anyone she wants. Justin's not that hot, but Tropic Thunder was awesome. As long as they're having fun. That what it's all about, right?

Chasing Amy

Shocking celebrity death makes for endless tabloid coverage of her demise. I hate that I crave new information. Maybe the constant updates help her fans cope. I wonder, if she'd lived, would she have still been such a legend or just a sad addict? Her death propels her into that dead troubled icon stratosphere, where we now can look at her talent and focus less on her downward spiral. We can remember her as amazing in those early years, which are still very recent. Here's probably my favorite song by Amy Winehouse, when she was great. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojdbDYahiCQ.

Are Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux moving in together? Why is this a bad idea? TG and I moved in together instantly. When you're our age, why wait? Plus, they have tons of $$$ to get new apartments in case it's a disaster. Go Jennifer!

Spike from Notting Hill was arrested at Comic-Con after shoving a female security guard. Brilliant actor but this sounds really dicky.

Kim Kardashian crashed her man's bachelor party. This might be a regular thing in their marriage. (Dish advice: Never date an athlete. Never ever.) With such a high profile wife, though, maybe her husband will be angelic. Everyone will be watching.