Snooki Is a Mom

I haven't broken the news to TG, that Snooki had a baby boy. His little girl is all grown up, a mama herself. The lambs are screaming in my head. I think she might be a good mother, after all.

Snooki named her boy Lorenzo. Reminds Dish fondly of the Oberlin, Ohio pizza joint by the same name. It added to my Freshman 15, making my ass into a large, flat caboose. Lorenzo's (and pitchers of Killian's Red) got me through college in the Ohio cornfields. Translating passages of Cicero also helped. I had to throw that in there, didn't I? Money well spent, Dishmama!

Florida is having a hurricane, postponing the Republican Convention. Randy Travis is melting down faster than you can say Wild Turkey. Duran Duran canceled another mega-gig due to illness. My hair is frizzier than ever. Mother Nature is PISSED off about something. I'm sticking 80% dark chocolate on my window sill so she leaves me the f*ck alone -- with all due respect.

Mentionitis: Duran Duran never cancels so keyboardist must be sick as a dog. Because I'm Dish, I can't help but think my panicked vibes from Friday caused this. I feel terrible about letting down the fans.

I Know Where Snooki Is Right Now!

Dishbrotherhusband will be in her midst very soon, but I'm discreet. I'll stay mum until I get some down and dirty details about the girl TG wishes were his daughter. Is she drinking? How big is the bump? What will her stomach contents be?

I could make jokes about Dick Cheney getting a heart transplant but I won't. I just feel bad for the person who contributed the organ. Dish doesn't want bad karma! Maybe a new heart will lessen Dick's d*ckiness.

Right now the perfect storm has blown out my DVR: The Good Wife, Desperate Housewives, Mad Men, and Snapped. I will watch them all.

I think I need to go on a TV fast. I can't form a coherent sentence.

Mildred Pierce in Floral and Snooki in Maternity!

Dish finally got around to watching the updated Mildred Pierce and will risk J.J.'s wrath: It's boring as sh*t! Don't get me wrong, I adore how Kate Winslet stoops to convey a down-beat broad trying to make a buck. I do the same. The floral dresses, well, they just hit too close to home circa 1994 for me. Add my grandmother's hairdo and no makeup and Kate Winslet still cannot hide her gorgeousness. For me, Mildred demands a "handsome" actress. By this I mean someone who could pass as a man if given the right lighting. Glenn Close, Uma Thurman, Anjelica Huston, a couple of the Housewives, you know, someone a little she-he. Please don't send me hate mail. I have three more eps to go.

My husband doesn't know this yet. It will hurt him, as would news that one's little girl was deflowered by the grimy captain of the wrestling team. Snooki is knocked up! It's such a normal and expected thing to happen but still. Are you okay, honey? Baby's grown up now. Hiccup!

Happy Birthday, Dolly Parton!

Words to live by from Mistress Dolly: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKeulwZ3sGE. This song got me through a very bumpy plane ride to Canada. She was adorable on the talk show by He Who Is No Longer Mentioned.

Politics are the new soap opera: Rick Perry has dropped out, Newt Gingrich's wife spilled about his wanting a open marriage and being an overall dick, Santorum actually won Iowa, and there's a debate tonight. It's epic WTF time in the Grand OLD Party!

During lunch trolling, I saw a pic of Snooki without makeup. Being a catty female, I never say this, but she's BEAUTIFUL without makeup. I was transfixed.

Today's rumor--that Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter back together and were caught canoodling. This would make me so happy. This past season of Dexter, you could see the strain. She seemed way too thin and he wasn't as dynamic (or maybe I'm adapting observation to fit this rumor). Please let them be back together! Let's double the incest vibe already on the show.

I just fainted: Jeff Goldblum and Brian Stokes Mitchell as Rachel Berry's gay dads on Glee. Ryan Murphy should get a medal for bringing together two tall drinks of water who are perversely attractive to me: Jane Lynch and Jeff Goldblum. Please put them in bed together for a drunken The Next Best Thing twist.

Happy Labor Day!

Lauren Bush married David Lauren, so now she can be Lauren Lauren. If I changed my first name to Duran and TG his last name to Duran, I could officially be Duran Duran. Let's make it happen!

I was starting to get the shakes over the lack of reports on whom Gerard Butler might be nailing. Hardly a day goes by when his beer-sweat washes up on female shores. But thank goodness, he might be banging 300-style canoodling with Eddie Cybrian-ex Brandi Glanville. Good for her! Gerard is always there to pick up the pieces of broken hearts everywhere.

Adele admits to puking a lot before a performance. Dish is waiting for a performer to admit to having it come out the other end. The closest was Sean Hayes saying that he had to poop before shooting episodes of Will & Grace. I guess nervous diarrhea is not as sexy/romantic/dramatic/Jersey Shore-kewl as nervous vomiting.

This might arouse TG's paternal ire but Snooki is hinting at getting married.

Ghosts in the Machine

TG discovered a ghost tracker app on iPad and last night we communicated with ghosts in our apartment. I was ready to bake cookies for the ghost(s) until today when TG recanted his belief in the presence, claiming, "That app will say anything." Maybe we've watched too many A Haunting in...

Lovely article on the plight of redheads by Katherine Bindley: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/katherine-bindley/redheads_b_921627.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009. She nails it.

Say a prayer for Jani Lane, former lead singer of Warrant, who died at 47. So many celebrity deaths related to substance abuse.

This will cheer you up: Heather Locklear is engaged to Jack Wagner and Snooki is signed up for Dancing With the Stars. Feel better now?

Patti Stanger has weighed in on Jennifer Aniston's relationship with Justin Theroux--thank gawd--and so has everyone else and so will I. Tabloids are saying Jen is desperate for a baby. She'll mount any geyser of swimmers. Then she'll latch onto him with powerful invisible handcuffs and shriek at him that he must never leave her. Like the primal she-monkey, if she doesn't have her mans, she'll cry bitter tears to the four corners of the Earth. My feeling is: Why would Jennifer Aniston ever be desperate? She has dough, friends, can sign on to do just about any movie she wants, could date anyone she wants. Justin's not that hot, but Tropic Thunder was awesome. As long as they're having fun. That what it's all about, right?