A Waiter Dishes...

Last night, while out with my excellent in-laws, we were blessed with an eavesdropping waiter. The second TG mentioned his Charlie Rose experience, Waiter piped in and seconded what a great guy the newsman was. Of course, I was eager for more. Waiters are this country's most powerful untapped resource. They know everything.

"Who else is awesome?" I screeched.

Well, Dishreaders, Waiter complied and gave some fabulous dirt:

Who's awesome: Heather Locklear. She is the embodiment of sweetness. This filled me with pleasure. I've loved her since Dynasty when she played gay Steven's hot jailbait wife.

Who's AWFUL: Jennifer Lopez. If only this would stop me from watching Monster-in-Law. It's a sickness!!!

Uma gave birth to a little Uma. When's she going to get ass back to work? Clock is ticking and Dish needs another Netflix!

Gossip I don't believe: That Demi is pissed at her daughters because they have relationships with Ashton. Dr. Dish feels this is understandable but Demi still needs to step up and just be their mother -- and do another movie! So Melanie Griffith took off her wedding ring to do the dishes. The paps got a picture of her ringless hand and are going batsh*t. Suddenly, she and Antonio are on the rocks. They've been married for 15 years so a divorce is long overdue. Ms. Bony A** needs to get that ring back on.

I'm at the part of Ally McBeal when she has the daughter from frozen eggs and Bon Jovi is doing her plumbing. Do I see a shark? BJ needs to stop wearing turtlenecks and put on some mascara.

Demi to Get Her Groove Back

Yesterday Demi Moore was rushed to the hospital for "exhaustion" and other medical issues. I'm tired too! The gossips are fueling the fire with reports of anorexia (um, duh--but could be situational), an epileptic seizure (didn't know that), does she miss being married to David Arquette, and was substance abuse involved, specifically whip-its? The real problem is that Dish isn't there to scoop up these over-40 female celebs and plop them into my new school:

The Academy for Female Celebs Who Can't Cope with Being Over the Hill in Hollywood AFCWCCBOTHH.

My first pupils would be Heather Locklear, Courtney Love (though she's needed this since her 20s), and Demi Moore. Here are some courses:

Reinvention 101: Do as Madonna does just with a little more substance and without the ropey arms.
Substance Use in Moderation: Sometimes you might need a glass of Pinot or a Xanax, just don't take 5.
Too Much Botox Means No Oscar: But fab for reality show? What will make you famouser? Discuss.
Sexy at Any Age: Guest lectures by Jacqueline Bissett and Helen Mirren.

Dish watched The Ides of March. It's pretty good, compact, delivers a not-so-subtle message against repubs and dems, George Clooney is charming, Evan Rachel Wood and Ryan Gosling are brilliant. Hopeful politico becomes jaded and finds a way to use the system, hence why Washington is broken. Not so Oscar-ish.

A Crazy Day for Female Celebrities! Dish Is Here for Amateur Counseling!

So, Sinead O'Connor ended her marriage AGAIN, blaming the evil media (though, she is media herself). What's a quirky, wildly-talented middle-aged babe to do? She sought a man for sexcapades and affection. A man stepped up--a drug counselor, no less--and it still didn't work. If their marriage can't last, what hope do the rest of us have?

Our favorite cute blond from the 80s and 90s (she could skip the last decade) Heather Locklear mixed Rx and booze, winding up in the hospital. I love her. I don't want her to be sick. She needs to be on TV. Aside from the substance abuse, why isn't her phone ringing?

My favorite celebri-cook Paula Deen announced that she has the diabooties, a lesson for us to work out and watch that sugar. Dish is a little pre-diabetic and thin-nish so we're all at risk. Let's end this epidemic and eat good!

It shouldn't be a surprise: Anderson Cooper's talk show is dead to me. Not only is our episode probably never airing thereby holding the Dish/TG celebrity hostage, but he's doing a show on toddlers and bikini waxing. I draw the line.

Another Reason I Should Have Been a Kardashian...

...if I'd gotten a 90K Range Rover at a young age, I might not have confused our family's Volvo with the female vulva. I learned both words around the same time and I can't hear one without the other--those dirty, dirty Swedes. Then again, the Saturn Spenis is suggestive.

You need to live on more than Melrose Place. Heather Locklear and Jack Wagner called off their engagement. I'm devastated except maybe Hez can set her cap for Kris Humphries, up her profile. Do Not Return to David Spade. Unless he's nice.

I saw my first lesbian KY commercial. PROGRESS!

The police/the mayor evicted the OWS protesters and hosed down Zucotti (?) Park. I just pray the protesters don't get near my daily environs. I believe in the cause but not really this particular physical protest itself.

I didn't think it was possible but The A List: Dallas contains more vile morons than New York. The cast is incredibly affected, playing diva-moviestars and it's a given that everyone is a lush. And the drama: OMG, he pushed me in a pool. OMG, he's drunk. OMG, how will I throw this party when I'm so drunk? I can't come to your party because I have business. Eyerolls. A loser-fest. I thought it might be interesting to give gay Christian Republicans a voice on TV but they are as awful as the liberal Dems. It's the poorest, most insulting representation of the gay community that I've ever seen--aside from the usual cliches. The Real L Word was more interesting with some complex people and relationships.

Hasselbeck vs. Maher on The View. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kBHy2HiWjc. Good for her for having the confidence to pick a fight with someone who's way smarter than she is. She needs a martini and a Xanax.

Ghosts in the Machine

TG discovered a ghost tracker app on iPad and last night we communicated with ghosts in our apartment. I was ready to bake cookies for the ghost(s) until today when TG recanted his belief in the presence, claiming, "That app will say anything." Maybe we've watched too many A Haunting in...

Lovely article on the plight of redheads by Katherine Bindley: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/katherine-bindley/redheads_b_921627.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009. She nails it.

Say a prayer for Jani Lane, former lead singer of Warrant, who died at 47. So many celebrity deaths related to substance abuse.

This will cheer you up: Heather Locklear is engaged to Jack Wagner and Snooki is signed up for Dancing With the Stars. Feel better now?

Patti Stanger has weighed in on Jennifer Aniston's relationship with Justin Theroux--thank gawd--and so has everyone else and so will I. Tabloids are saying Jen is desperate for a baby. She'll mount any geyser of swimmers. Then she'll latch onto him with powerful invisible handcuffs and shriek at him that he must never leave her. Like the primal she-monkey, if she doesn't have her mans, she'll cry bitter tears to the four corners of the Earth. My feeling is: Why would Jennifer Aniston ever be desperate? She has dough, friends, can sign on to do just about any movie she wants, could date anyone she wants. Justin's not that hot, but Tropic Thunder was awesome. As long as they're having fun. That what it's all about, right?