A Waiter Dishes...

Last night, while out with my excellent in-laws, we were blessed with an eavesdropping waiter. The second TG mentioned his Charlie Rose experience, Waiter piped in and seconded what a great guy the newsman was. Of course, I was eager for more. Waiters are this country's most powerful untapped resource. They know everything.

"Who else is awesome?" I screeched.

Well, Dishreaders, Waiter complied and gave some fabulous dirt:

Who's awesome: Heather Locklear. She is the embodiment of sweetness. This filled me with pleasure. I've loved her since Dynasty when she played gay Steven's hot jailbait wife.

Who's AWFUL: Jennifer Lopez. If only this would stop me from watching Monster-in-Law. It's a sickness!!!

Uma gave birth to a little Uma. When's she going to get ass back to work? Clock is ticking and Dish needs another Netflix!

Gossip I don't believe: That Demi is pissed at her daughters because they have relationships with Ashton. Dr. Dish feels this is understandable but Demi still needs to step up and just be their mother -- and do another movie! So Melanie Griffith took off her wedding ring to do the dishes. The paps got a picture of her ringless hand and are going batsh*t. Suddenly, she and Antonio are on the rocks. They've been married for 15 years so a divorce is long overdue. Ms. Bony A** needs to get that ring back on.

I'm at the part of Ally McBeal when she has the daughter from frozen eggs and Bon Jovi is doing her plumbing. Do I see a shark? BJ needs to stop wearing turtlenecks and put on some mascara.

Seeing Stars?

Dish stumbled to feed the cat at 3:41am and hit the noggin' hard against the wall, which felt like the kitchen. The bruise on my forehead plagued me all day. Fear not, a little mugwort fixed that right up*.

So, after ditching Hugh Hefner at the altar last year, Crystal Harris moved back into the Playboy Mansion, resuming scrotal excavations. I can only think of their love in filthy terms, but then what is dirtier than love of money? Is this true love or I-couldn't-make-it-on-my-own-itis?

To erase all complex musings, I continued my Ally McBeal journey Take 2 and am now at the point (season 3) where Calista and Portia are scary, scary skinny. This didn't phase me in 2000 since I had the same upper body. THINGS CHANGE ONCE YOU TURN 40...and that's okay no it's not.

I won't mention anything about Scout Willis being arrested in NYC for underage drinking. This is one of the problems of being a starchild. Suri Cruise is SOOOO going to jail at some point. Though I hope not.

I'm a little nervous as we near the end of The Shield (two seasons left) but tonight we might get our television-crack, The Glee Project. I'm not into it, but TG is. He hates Glee, though. Go fig!

*bonus points if you know which movie this comes from.

Star Sighting--Andy Cohen!!!

Last night, 7:19 pm, 14th b/w 7th and 8th: Dish was navigating a haze of allergies when that familiar tingling flooded all senses--star. There he was wearing a sandy linen-ish suit and consulting technology, Bravo god Andy Cohen. He looks exactly in life as he does on TV. I whispered my spotting to TG and he shouted, "Oh, he's the guy who interviews the housewives at the end!!! I like him!!!" I could almost see him contemplating a fourth-wall interruption but luckily we reached the subway and had tickets to see Dishniece in a play.

Mixed news: We learned our stint on Anderson will never see the light of day but I did manage to laugh uproariously over and over at his new giggling outburst. This time it's the phrase "hitting him with her pussywillow" that makes him explode at the 1:38 mark.

Two stars ailing: Ryan O'Neal revealed he has prostate cancer and Robin Gibb is in a coma. Forgive not giving them separate sentences but these illnesses hurt me to the core and I'd rather deny, deny, deny. Best wishes for a speedy recovery, R&R!

I console myself with an Ally McBeal marathon. Am on the John Ritter episode, which makes me truly misty. Jack Tripper 4ever!