I Snorted the Ravages of Time and Still Came Out in the Top 1% of Gorgeous

I'm sad that Jennie Garth is publicizing her miraculous 30-pound weight loss on the cover of People. She looked great with a little divorce cushion. Now she's just another skinny minnie. What's wrong with these women? I flipped through the mag, hoping for literary aloe for my fragile psyche. No, wait that Lark Saved by the Bell chick has Bipolar (who doesn't) and her remarkable journey. Flip a little more, ah, eureka, p. 95 reveals an exquisite human in the form of John Taylor, my first Duran-love, and his new life/love/book, which Dish pre-ordered the second it was announced. Can't wait to read it. Can't wait for his NYC signing. I hope I actually get in. Did he get Botox?

Dish took a day hiatus to be domestic. I'm ironing TG's shirts and running errands, folding laundry and whipping up exotic dinners for my man. Ha! Well, I am ironing shirts, which I love to do. Last night we attended a wedding reception. I felt right at home with the table of cupcakes. TG found two potential long-lost relatives and one new lifelong friend. I love that I married a socially adept person. I'm the girl who hovers on the periphery and waits for someone to approach. TG catches people's eyes and starts up conversations, works the room as if he lives there. He's so poopular!


This weekend's obsessions:

Just started reading the It-book of the year (aside from that other one) Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn. Nicely done so far. And then I ventured into the documentary 51 Birch Street, by filmmaker Doug Block, about his parents' marriage. My goodness. I was expecting a sappy family montage but he delves into his parents' fifty-year marriage and its shocking secrets. I was moved to tears by the end. All families have their secrets. I'm the type who wants to know all of them--I don't care how bad.

Congratulations to Audra McDonald and Will Swenson on their marriage. I just IMDB-ed them and discovered both these f*ckers are younger than I am!!! Oh the inhumanity!!!

Un Petit Petit News

LeAnn Rimes checked into some kind of treatment center over possible anxiety issues. Oh, LeAnn, can I come too??? I have anxiety. My stomach hurts and I can't sleep. Plus, I can't sing. Let us all pray that LeAnn comes out of this singing and laying off the bikinis.

Giuliana and Bill Rancic have a baby boy: Edward Duke. Finally, a not-strange celebrity name. This baby might turn out okay.

There's this painful rumor going around that Jennie Garth and Luke Perry are dating. My whole body started shaking with pleasure when I read this. Do you remember when they had this TORRID affair on 90210 and he cheated on Brenda while she was in England? Then Brenda came home all skinny and mean. I even remember the cheating song: Damn, I wish I was your lover. Please, please let this be true. BRANDON AND KELLY FOREVER!!!!

I Hate to Break It To You...

...but there is nothing going on today*. We are so bored. TG is listening to a Rabbi and Muslim debate Jesus on Youtube. We're one step away from watching Small Town Security, except Dish erased them before TG could find them in our queue.

I was so bored, celebrity-wise, I searched for updates on Nick Rhodes's health. The word "exhaustion" always raises a red flag for me, but I can't believe Master Rhodes would ever, ever abuse his body with anything other than cigarettes, vino and vegetarianism. I found no news and can only pray he recovers swiftly with B-12 shots and a few days' rest. On the treadmill, I wondered what I'd do if one of the Durans got really ill. I don't know how I'd cope. You hear about illness all the time but when it hits someone close to you...

I need to eat dinner.

Congratulations to Rosie O'Donnell on her marriage. I managed to see a snippet of Kelsey Grammer and his new wife interviewed by Oprah. Just bizarre, but she seems nice. Jennie Garth has lost a lot of weight (boo), looks haggard amidst all the praise for her skinniness.

TG is cooking. Who needs to be deathly thin when someone is willing to cook for you?

*Except for Isaac's "surges" and the Republican Convention.

Celebrity Break Up and Make Up!

I pray that this is only a rumor (to hype a movie/TV show), though I smelled this separation when Peter Facinelli's star rose in Twilight, then Nurse Jackie. He and Jennie Garth are beyond adorable but when there's celebrity inequality, marriage suffers. They are allegedly on a break. I know, pass the Kleenex. Cute-central, both of them. I wish them well and pray for a miracle--or that it's total BS!

Okay, Hershey Kiss, be prepared to cry that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel might be back together. This doesn't excite me, but I'm all for making love work. See above.

If you can believe, Nic Cage's freaky, mentally-disturbed-and-I-wonder-if-it-runs-in-the-family son Weston Cage has flooded TMZ with his craziness about marriage and getting divorced after two minutes from his hot, pregnant and equally crazy wife. I'm a little fascinated but more evidence of celebrity spawn going off the deep end.

My schadenfreude is at an all-time high as Jay Leno is not funny with a Casey Anthony joke that also disses Obama. My couch is way funnier.

In happy news: James Spader has joined the cast of The Office. I loathed JS as an actor starting in the 80s but he's grown on me. Think he gets better and better and he rocked The Office this past season. Triumphant casting.

Highlight of the month: Shark Week on the Discovery Channel starts 7/31.

So, I've been eating a hot fudge sundae every day since I'm like 5. Then there's the tin of Altoids. The afternoon brownie and mashed potato baths. I'm thin and exercise, but the doctor put a damper on my perfection by saying I need to cut my sugar intake. Kumquat did he say? Dish cannot be on the high end of the "normal" curve! Eat (tree bark and celery) Pray Suffer!

Star Sighting--Twilight's Peter Facinelli

23rd/7th Ave, 5:02pm: Dish was in full business-suit regalia, salivating over the possibility of a latte when lo Peter Facinelli whizzed by. He looks about 25 years old, very cute in a college-boy sort of way. No eye contact made even with Dish boring a hole through him. Hard to believe he's father to three kids, though no problem visualizing him with her royal 90210 highness gorgeous Jenny Garth.

The Lord giveth and He taketh away: Lindsay failed a drug test, but then she's scheduled not to make us laugh on SNL this December. Can't they just have Jane Lynch host for the entire fall?

Shock through the heart: Because we don't care enough to buy her projects, Nadya Suleman is going on welfare. Better yet would be to let these children grow up in a loving home where they're not part of a factory. TG and I could easily take one, though it better not touch any of our beer.