Tomorrow Voyager!

I waited too long to post and, I'll admit, I took a pill. You never know what I'm going to write. I need sleep badly before I fly. Who am I kidding? I need electro-shock therapy before I fly. Instead, I downloaded American Horror Story, which will be similar. My first girl crush was on Jessica Lange so I'll get all cozy on this plane packed with Disney-bound children and watch some scary sh*t.

It will drown out the fear over Selena Gomez and her alleged strep throat! Also, I'll be able to forget Rylan Clark's rendition of "Girls on Film"--all attitude, no talent.

Off to dream land. Will write from the land of the bright sun, drunken old people, and kids in fluorescent bathing suits. I hope I fry.

Dear Diary: Popcorn Is Evil

I love popcorn but it doesn't love me. Just thinking about the fiber-rich snack makes my insides quake with fear. Milk Duds are my drug of choice. So why oh why did I eat a bag of popcorn yesterday? Then 4 Baci chocolates after a 2-day no sugar fast? And then another bag of popcorn? I am not a sixteen-year-old girl.

Never mind that. Something adorable happened recently and all of Hollywood is abuzz. Young heartthrob Zac Efron dropped his condom on the red carpet at the premiere of The Lorax. You know what this means, don't you? He has sex. Maybe with cartoon characters or men. If you want to stay in denial, you can imagine he fills it with water and throws it at the paparazzi.

Watch what happens when Selena Gomez drops a tampon...

Star Sighting--Hugh Dancy!!!

Texted by DishfriendMel at 3:18pm to say she saw this gem on 41st and 8th Avenue. And Dish was just mentioning Billy Crudup, who is sperm brothers with Hugh who is married to Claire Danes. I first saw Hugh in Evening, one of the crappiest on record with an all-star cast of Claire, Meryl, Vanessa Redgrave and others. It couldn't have sucked more. He was a delight in The Big C. He and Billy C. resemble each other so I can see how Claire Danes got confused in the dark and bonked Hugh by accident while she was with Billy, though I'm just making that up, I don't think it's true.

No Peanuts = Preggo? You learn something new every day! Dish knows nothing about pregnancy other than you can get knocked up sitting on the toilet, you yakk every morning and go through excruciating pain unless you get a scheduled C-section like the stars do. So, Kate Middleton refused something peanut related which the paps took to mean she's got a royal bun in the oven. Really? I thought it was just blue cheese and tunafish you couldn't have. My woman's intuition says Kate isn't pregs yet. Maybe next year.

Courtney Stodden got tit-tested, going on national television to prove her gigantic melons are real. People are starving, celebs are divorcing, the economy is in a tail spin. We worry about this?

Even more important is the trouble Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are having. Their love must survive. Someone wants to kill adorable Selena and another person claims pre-pubescent Bieber fathered her child. Has the world gone crazy?

Just saw amazingly talented Dishniece in Sweeney Todd, a darling production put on by some crazy college kids. Moved to tears during a couple songs. Dishniece will be famous someday. But will she introduce me to Julia?