Dr. Northrup and the Universe Keeping Me from Cake?

Dr. Christiane Northrup, one of my faves, recommends giving up gluten, sugar and alcohol for hormonal balance so Dish decided to crash diet--without telling anyone. I went one day avoiding the above (except for Altoids) and felt great. Then, when TG took me to a party full of stylish old people, I decided to make an exception and gorge. Because old people love their comforts and booze, the spread was incredible. Old peopleDish is starting to ramble love to talk, and I can't help but get into the stories. As the hours ticked by, I realized my hands were empty. The party was ending. Did I have a chance to eat? Not even a little. No chocolate cake, Godiva, prosciutto roll-ups, creme brulee or chocolate mousse. It's just so f*cked that these 80-year-olds kept me from the food table, like they wanted all the leftovers for themselves.

It's well known that I will mow down colleagues and friends to get to the cake in the communal kitchen. Today, there were cookies and it was as if I'd never heard of Dr. Northrup. Screw no gluten/sugar. Julia Child would scoff at this so I ran down the hall and got one of the last cookies...and then it fell out of my hands and broke into a thousand pieces. Message received.

There's all this talk of October surprises. First Gloria Allred (I'll admit, I love her), then Donald Trump have alluded to a campaign shaker. The Donald Trump one is intriguing. He is a sad, sad person. Does he realize what a loser he is, in the grand scheme of things? Like a cartoon character--no character beyond the slime. It's easy to ignore him. I stop watching his show. So now when he pops up again, I feel like I have a zit.

I love it when poetry backfires for the stars, which is usually all the time, especially in movies. It's like asking Tom Cruise to do Shakespeare. The Brad Pitt Chanel ad is brilliant in its ridiculousness. It has nothing to do with perfume and, somehow, now I want to buy Chanel #5 again. I used to wear it when I was in high school (about 10 years too soon).

Debate time!!!

The Mexican

FYI: This flick is almost unwatchable. I'm not even sure I understand the story. It's about a gun, there's a curse, she's kidnapped a few times, and Brad and Julia spend very little time on screen together. We see no bow-chicka-bow-bow.

I only have three observations besides the obvious one that Julia seems so happy during filming since this is where she met cameraman Danny Moder:

1. Julia hurls in the flick. She doesn't vomit much in movies--and you mostly just see her running to the bathroom or is leaning out of a car. The only other time she yakks is in America's Sweethearts when she eats too many carbs.

2. Great chemistry between Julia and Tony Soprano. I kept wanting THEM to kiss even though he's supposed to play gay (I don't buy it). They probably made him gay to offset their mutual sparks.

3. Brad excels at playing a dumbass.

Who's Suffering from Post Traumatic Tabloid Disorder?

I need therapy. There are rumors of another Kardashian reproducing. I'm sure they're false, but the suspense is dizzying. Is she fat or pregnant? Baby bump or no? Why is she wearing big clothes? Will her baby end all her sentences in question-marks? Will she drive a Bentley or a sh*tty Jaguar? Let the merry go-round stop.

I've got better things to do, like book tickets to my next Duran Duran concert. Will this finally be the one where I meet them? If so, I'll wear large sunglasses to hide my tears of joy. Must also hide details of expensive trip from TG. He doesn't read this blog anymore so I can write whatever I want! No holds barred.

Last night's Smash: I'm not sure what happened. Love Uma but I see Jaws snaking through the water with Marilyn ready to jump.

I heard of a lawsuit against The Bachelor/The Bachelorette for discriminating against African-Americans. They *must* discriminate since there haven't been anything but white Bachelor/ettes. They sneak in another race--and someone from NYC--now and then as rivals for affection but inevitably that one person takes a hike early on. I'm all for diversity in my crappy reality shows!!! Counting the days until Emily Maynard gets her chance. What if Brad shows up during the season?

Everyone is abuzz over the Brangelina marriage. Plans being made for France, in a chateau, small town church. I don't buy ANY of it. With a big rock on her finger, she's just another skeletal UES socialite, not the woman going on crusades for the poor/hungry. Is Vera Wang going to make the dress? Is she giddy with excitement over food tasting, party favors and invites? I'm thinking nyet!

Speaking of wedding and skeletal people...Dishbrother and I have vowed to be super-skinny for a wedding related event we're attending in three weeks. We want people to think we're sick with match-stick legs and sunken cheeks. Lucky for me, cutting my portions in half has helped me lose about 5 pounds. Artificially-induced stress does wonders as well. I'm blowing it all to hell with a corn muffin tonight. This is why I'll never be on television (Anderson, you also spoiled my dream by leaving me on the cutting room floor).

Are Brad and Angelina Engaged?

Yes, they are, according to several news sources. Happy Friday the 13th! I was waiting for my metaphorical happy pill and Ange wearing a massive diamond ring provided the euphoria. I'm not sure I believe that after 7 years, they're going to tie the knot, but hey, it's fun to look at bling. It keeps Brange in the news, especially when there are no movies to be had. My recommendation: Milk the engagement and build up to an epic William and Kate-sized wedding with the 6 kids as ring-bearers. Shedding tears already...

Also in the news is Scarlett Johansson (sick of looking up spelling but I know she would do the same for me) dishing in Vogue about her divorce from Ryan and her new beau, that tall ad guy, whom I had to Google to see if they were intellectually compatible. My findings took me to creepy places, reminding me of Fatal Encounters and Criminal Minds. I've watched far too much true crime TV. My dark dating days keep flashing in my mind, dead eyes staring back at me as we go through the paces of a first awful date. Happy happy happy!!!

The Jenners are weighing in on Kim's relationship with Kanye. Mom is delighted (because it's two talentless powerhouses merging into one flaming cauldron of auto-tuned blah blah blah), Bruce Jenner, folding arms, doesn't approve, which is as forceful as it gets for him. Aw, I'm being mean. Especially since I watched their reality show last night, fascinated as Kim hit her sister Khloe, trying hard to keep those boobs from flopping out of her shirt. Khloe deserved it for being jealous that Kim bought a Bentley. It was hateful. I won't go into her bangs.

Hilary Rosen, WTF?

Sweet Forty-Three

I have so little to report. I woke up at 5am and couldn't get back to sleep. I'm trying not to watch TV. Cheated a little with Dexter, but that's like literary, right? Back to reading, and I tend to read three books at a time. Right now it's women's fiction's Rachel Gibson Not Another Bad Date (fun!), Tony Robbins's Unlimited Power (two typos within first twenty pages but I want to see what fuss is about) and Zola's L'Assommoir (dark as f*ck but love the downward spiral).

In Starland, Brad Pitt announced that he'll quit acting in three years. THANK GOD! No seriously. He should never make those Cher/Barbra/Barry-esque comments. Loved him in Moneyball! Needs to get Oscar before he quits. Kim K is hostessing New Year's Eve in Vegas. I'm so glad she's picked herself up after the divorce stuff. Her sister Kendall got a 90K Range Rover for her sweet 16. I got a turquoise necklace!!! What gives, Dishmama? Oh wait...I just had a wedding...

And the Oscar Should Go to...

...Brad Pitt! You know Dish is serious because Brad has not always been a fave. In Moneyball--Dish's top pick for the year--he kicks one out of the park. Gorgeously shot, gripping script (thanks, once again, to Aaron Sorkin), and Jonah Hill proves he can do more than play a gawky stoner. This is what Jerry Maguire could have been. Even if you're not into baseball, it's worth the gazillions you pay in the movie theater. Don't hesitate. Go now! Let's nudge The Lion King out of that top spot!

SNL cast members Abby Elliott and Fred Armisen have split. AWKWARD! Reminds Dish of the time she walked in on very first boyfriend French kissing another girl at a party with everyone watching to see reaction. Oh wait, that's not even the same situation. Never mind!

Southwest Airlines can't keep themselves out of the news. The L Word and Yoplait commercial actress who got to kiss Gale Harold in that scary miscarriage movie Leisha Hailey was kissing her GF on the plane and, apparently, was escorted out by SW personnel. SW maintains that several passengers complained about excessive PDA (pulling off panties or just the French?). If it had been a man/woman kissing, no one would have said BOO. Dish gets uncomfortable witnessing any public sexy PDA sessions, unless with dogs, lions and birds. Then it's just fun.

Chest area casualties: Nancy Grace had an alleged nip slip on DWTS. Ellen DeGeneres had a mild heart scare and she's fine.

The End of the World

Not because R.E.M. has broken up but because fame-whores Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison have signed on to do a reality show. We all knew this would happen! What's even worse, Dish is curious to watch. 35-year age difference + religious fervor + underage marriage + questionable musical talent = delicious trainwreck potential. Who needs the public executions of ages past? We have reality. Oh, and R.E.M. broke up. They never did anything for me but a week ago I watched "Losing My Religion" and thought, I get it now. Best of luck to the group in their future projects.

What's real/rumor? Saw non-baby bump pic of Jen, though could be early stages. Brad said bad things about being married to Jen. Now lots of apologies. Jen happy with Justin. Could Brad be jealous? Is Jolie too skinny? Must all be hooey but hard to interpret as benign Pitt's words about his marriage. Also believe Jen's romance is selling more papers than the Pitt/Jolie old news. Yes, I'm on Team Aniston but when it comes to movies, Team Everyone. Moneyball out soon!

Hershey Kiss reports Darren Criss killed on Glee and that anything Darren related is not to be missed. I tend to agree and will catch up anon.

Dish is trying to do Atkins after major meringue creme anglaise dessert last night with TG-Daddy, who is a divine creature and gave me a pen with his name on it.

Yesterday's Studs Making News

Sugar t*ts Mel Gibson wants to make a movie about Jewish hero Judah ­Maccabee. Dish doesn't worry about his intolerant comments about Jews, gays, women, stem cell research. Dish wants this movie to be made because of how gay it could be. Ever since Braveheart, Mel has been swimming in undulating homoerotic waters, all while making adorable gay slurs. His recent movies contain loinclothes, glistening muscles, torture scenes where men wear these orgasmic expressions, and who could forget when Mel wears hose and waxes himself in What Women Want? At the beginning of Apocalypto, the men discuss eating testicles, maybe because they would rather eat balls than visit the hut where their wives are waiting for baby-making boinkage. I'm sorry, but I can't wait for what Mel does next. His last movie The Beaver, well, hahahaha there, especially given the connection to Jodie Foster, who vehemently supported him during his domestic violence/custody snafus. Mel's splendor has taken quite a dive since Braveheart and I doubt he'll rise again. In the meantime, can't we twisted viewers have a little fun and not take him so seriously? If groups want to express their outrage, fine. The real tragedy in the comedy of Mel is that...he used to be an amazing actor. Now he just seems bananas.

Another amazing actor who's made some great movies and real crap (Anger Management), Jack Nicholson had a house burn up in the Hollywood Hills. I almost burnt tonight's meatloaf, my wandering attention due to the pain of Federer losing. Dish was dreaming of a Federer/Nadal rematch but will settle for Nadal/Djokovic.

Toronto International Film Festival is happening. Angelina wore another black dress. I will catch Moneyball, the first Brad movie I really want to see since...since...Se7en. Who am I kidding? I see all of his movies even though I don't think he's cute at all. It's my job.

Congratulations to Amy Smart and Carter Oosterhouse who got hitched!