2 Tired Women, 2 Angry Men

These women are so tired. I'm so tired. This week, Sarah Linden and Emily Thorne are my role models. On The Killing, Sarah walks around sleep deprived yet determined to solve a case. How she drives around endlessly, chasing leads, I don't know. On Revenge, Emily hides a whopper of a secret and must carry through a genius plan of revenge against the Graysons. Does she sleep? No, because she has to stay one step ahead and she still looks awesome and can beat the crap out of anyone. Dish is horribly sleep deprived now for almost a week. Insomnia makes me dizzy, angry, weepy, spacey, anxious and depressed. I tend to become this on the couch until Sweet Morpheus finds me again. The only good thing about sleeplessness is that I stop eating, ergo can go back to my runway days. TG has fled until sweet Dish returns.

I learned so much today by listening to the latest Mel Gibson rant, released by Joe Eszterhas. You cackle but Gibson should teach classes on unleashing one's demon. Can you imagine, rows of gym bunnies, music pumping all screaming: you f***cking *($)#( c**ks**ckkking [insert ethnic slur] sl**ttttbagwhoooooorrreeeee. Oh, sugar t*ts, you really went off the rails when you did What Women Want. I keep wondering why any woman would want Mel these days. Maybe it's the promise of a sweeter side, the genius that peeks out now and then. Now if only Mel and Alec Baldwin would mud wrestle and scream at each other, it would make my year. At least someone needs to put their rants to club music.

Sadness: Greg Ham from Men At Work was found dead in Melbourne. I'm bathing in tears over insomnia the genius of this song.

Gladness: Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer pregnated!!! Awwwww, Sookay.

Dish Served Cold Right Here!!!

Today a woman ran away from me, ostensibly to get to her destination faster but I know she didn't want to endure the drudgery of small talk with Dish. My first thought was, "I'll show you." If I were on Housewives, I'd call her and make a lunch date, then throw a big public hissy. Then I realized, I'm 43. Aren't I above these bitchy revenge schemes?

Think again!

I could see Dishshrink's brow furrowing when I told her revenge made me stronger, not weaker. It motivated me to break boards with my hands, eat a whole tin of Altoids and do jumping jacks in my office. I looked off to the side as memories of persecution and retribution filled my soul. The person who said, "The best revenge is living well" needs to cuddle his stuffed ducky!

My enemy list is rife with jackasses on whom I wish a thousand ills. But I would never act on my malice because my pathetic rivals tend to hurt themselves. The key to revenge is patience and Dish has this in abundance.

Yes, I watched 10 episodes of ABC's Revenge starring Pointy-Nosed Actress all in one weekend. After learning that MLK plagiarized his dissertation, I had to take a hiatus from peace, love, and understanding. Revenge inspired me to be cold, calculating and smarter than everyone. Like PNA, I'll go to Japan where I'll receive my special Karate Kid training.

In addition, all you Dish subjects, I shall perfect a monotone, like PNA, as I wreak havoc on my foes. Right now, I sound like Selma from The Simpsons thanks to twenty years of puffing Parliaments/Merits/Marlboros/Gaulois/Cafe Creme/Vagina Slimes/Anything that smokes. All that will change.

I will be bland. I will be blonde. I will get my revenge!