Assez, la Rosie and le Trump et la Britnee

Je suis fatiguee avec ce sujet. La Rosie and le Trump se disputent violemment. Elle est fatte and il est mean avec l'ugly cheveux. Les newspapers spill constamment with the virulence de ces mediocre-celebritay. Barbara et Rosie se disputent also, and c'est un grand chat-fight. A mentioner aussi, la Britnee porte les underwears and fait la partee tout le temps, mais qui cares? Moi, je wear le underwear aussi. Si j'etais blonde et riche, je walk around nekkid aussi. Qui a le time pour cette minutia? Perhaps, si j'etais celebrite, moi, je stirera up le trouble partout. Mais, after a while, il y a better choses a faire. Le whoa, s'il-te plait.

The Conversation

Antonio: Mel, why you no write your biography as reported by today's New York Post?

Melanie: Clopclobshmoopiebloopibloo

A: But you so interesting. A head for business and a bod for sin

M: Floo floo frickfrick!

A: If you donna like the writing, we take bath naked in my perfume.

M: Shma?

A: We'll lie like snakes in the cologne of Antonio Banderas

M: Blinnypoopeepants

This Grand Canyon Between Us

Very Nice Person and I are on Date #7, when the other shoe drops. We're looking at my DVD collection--a must for any couple getting to know each other. He doesn't scoff at every episode of Will & Grace, Steven Seagal's Above the Law or the secret copy of Maid in Manhattan ("bought for my mother") stashed in the back of the shelf. I ask him if he likes Grand Canyon, pointing to my copy.

"I hated it." He shakes his head. "I thought it was awful."

"But it's the original Crash, only funner," I argue. "And it has a great soundtrack."

It's our first big disagreement and I'm not prepared. Grand Canyon may be a little me-me-me, but the pacing and thoughtfulness touch me. Plus, it's one of the few times when Mary-Louise Parker doesn't whine her lines, sort of. "Well, it was nice while it lasted," I say, turning away as a lone tear falls down my cheek.

But then he admits to owning The Princess Bride--which I have avoided out of principle alone--and he likes John Cusack (every hetero-boy does), so I guess some divergence in movie taste is allowed.

Miami Oh-So-Nice

The Conversation

J: The distance between us is killing me.

C: Don't look at me.

J: But...you're beautiful, Colin.

C: My hair. It's too long in the back.

J: It smells delicious.

C: Garnier-Nutrisse.

J: Why are you wearing those sunglasses? I can't see your sparkling eyes.

C: I couldn't sleep last night. I could carry groceries with the bags under these eyes.

J: Oh baby, you make me feel good no matter how ugly you are.

C: I can't bear it when you compliment me like that.

J: Why didn't you sleep, my little Blarney of love?

C: You wouldn't understand...

J: Try me.

C: I was worried...worried that you didn't care anymore. That after this movie wrapped, you wouldn't call. Now with your Oscar, hit album and everything else, I'm not special anymore.

J: There, there. Pretend I'm wiping away those tears.

C: Okay, pretend I'm letting you.

J: And let's pretend I didn't see your disturbing sex tape.

C: You know I had a movie coming out. I was thinking about you the entire time.

J: No doubt. Let's forget about everything. We're in a land where there's only you and me...and these sunglasses.

C: I'm with you, Wanda. I...love you.

J: And I you.

Donal Logue of "The Knights of Prosperity"

Fat boys are delicious

Waddling pools of love

Steaming rolls of candy

I keep my pinchers handy

I have such a sweet tooth when it comes to slugs.

Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, FAT BOYS!

(Donal Logue and Phillip Seymour Hoffman, slurp! No, really. Dish has loved them both since The Tao of Steve and State and Main)

No Dirt for Dish

Wow, last night on Dirt, Lucy Spiller slept with a stranger who was reading Proust. Frankly, I only allow Tolstoy readers near me--Leo's pacier. And who can read Proust while standing outside a Hollywood party? Are all paparazzi schitzophrenics? Is everyone fat named Harvey?

I wanted--okay so maybe I didn't want--to like this show, but it was obvious from the trailer that I wouldn't see anything I didn't already know: gossip people will go to great lengths to get a story, stars are always having sex, there is no loyalty in Hollywood, but maybe, just maybe there's a kernel of goodness in the jerkiest jerks in the biz, as evidenced when Lucy comforts her crazy but brill photog after his cat dies.

Bottom line: I can't give up the luscious kick-assedness of Mariska Hargitay on Law & Order: SVU for this show. Though Courtney is lookin' hot and is so the poster child of a hard-working woman who don't need no mans. Unless he looks like Jim Morrison and reads books. That's so retro.

Let's Get Dirty

The new show Dirt, hmmmm, I wonder what it's message is or the kind of woman Courtney Cox plays. On the ads, she uses pills to deal with stress, which to me indicates she's a woman who doesn't face her problems head on. In her job as notorious editor-in-chief for celebrity rags, she makes problems for other people. But we love her anyway because she works hard and powerful people will do anything. Her name is Lucy Spiller because she SPILLS the news. Or SPILLS things by accident. Or can't help letting her real feelings SPILL out. All my ninth grade English is paying off because I can totally translate the real meaning of the show. Just call me Susie Disher from now on.

To support the cast of Friends, I must watch. How interesting that Chandler and Monica have new programs, both dealing with show business. Maybe Lucy Dribble-drip and Matthew Talk-fast will clash on the red carpet. He'll emote and her ruthlessness will lead to a huge makeout session. I'm totally for it.

My last musing--with everyone talking about celebrities and splashing star-nethers across the Internet, what's so new and different about Dirt? Everyone is dirty these days. Maybe Dish is all wrong about the predictable nature of these new shows. Court might spend the entire show reciting Rumi or declining third conjugation -io verbs.

Keanu's Korner

Happy New Year Haiku

Champagne in my flute
The bike and Jello snack packs
Life is a highway

For this new New Year
I send you triumphant yos
Bite the cosmic butt