Celebrity Snapshot

Fresh from his latest film, Spank My Tail, PVS lounges by the pool but freaks out when fat children do cannonballs off the diving board. When asked about his movie, he bit me and ran away.

Armstrong Avenue

Haiku

No yellow jersey
Autumn so melancholy
McConaughey mine?

Running on the beach
Please, no yolks in my omelets
Part for me on Scrubs?

Dr. Haiku

Hi so McDreamy!
We see you at the Emmys
No like the flat hair

The Emmys

Verdict: Zzzzzzzzzz but way better than the Oscars (not Jon Stewart's fault).

Since I was a child, I've watched every possible award show. Lately, I've grown bored of them and wonder if it's celebrity fatigue or if these shows are really bad. This year's prime time Emmys were fine, but gone are the days when someone falls on his face, does silly dance numbers choreographed by Debbie Allen, fumbles, drinks too much and shows it, gropes a breast or ignores the teleprompter. The speeches are the same, starting with an Oh my god, I worked with such great people, my parents, blah, blah, blah...The most notable ones this year were made my non-actors.

Conan O'Brien (and Jon Stewart, for that matter) did a fine job, though had to deal with an Ambien-friendly medium and a politically correct audience. So, just to stir things up, I was thinking, I should get an award and it should be televised. I do a mean walk from my couch to my computer. No one can beat the frightening alacrity with which I attack a Sudoku puzzle. I remember birthdays and can still do a cartwheel. Not to mention, I've eaten more Altoids than anyone on the planet. Surely, these feats are worth an award.

Why do I keep watching these people get golden statuettes, when the entertainment value keeps going down? Why am I contributing to the disease of Acquired Situational Narcissism? And why can't the cast of Grey's Anatomy give me an award? Celebrities might be used to the praise they get, so maybe our little lives will culminate in one of those big Mr. Holland's Opus endings. That movie did make me cry at the end...Okay, and so did the reunion of Charlie's Angels.

In any case, one must wait for the Golden Globes, since the stars can really get trashed at their tables. Jim Carrey has to re-emerge and make his butt talk.

Keanu's Korner

Dangerous Liaisons Haiku

Sing high with Uma
Use big sword with the Malkie
Kiss Glenn Close boobies

Star Sighting

Saw Hope Davis, in horizontal striped blue dress, walking down 6th Avenue near Old Navy. We locked eyes and I wanted to ask her why all the vomiting in The Secret Lives of Dentists? Couldn't they have imparted the message of family bonding without the spew?

Today's Celebrity Snapshot

Pooper von Skooper, who recently starred in the hit film Please Stop Putting Post-It Notes on My Paws, was caught canoodling with Atlanta, a yellow elephant. When asked if they were an item, Pooper responded, "She's stuffed."

Damonetics: A Proverb

An old woman, unfair of face, stumbled through the woods, picking her way through tree roots, branches and leaves. The townspeople laughed at her awkward gait and turned to their children. "Let this be a lesson. Remain poised at all times. Don't look for ways to ruin your manicure." The young'uns nodded sagely and vowed never to be like the haggy old woman.

After picking a mere half-basket of boysenberries, said ungraceful creature found a clearing in the woods, decided to seek succor, when she stumbled over a log and landed on her face.

"Watch out," a hooded man barked, appearing from behind a shady elm.

The old lady lifted her battered face. "Who be ye?" she croaked.

"I have an important lesson to impart," he said, a wisp of blond hair appearing from the burlap.

Where did he come from? she asked herself. No less than godlike, the man must have been sent to watch over her. Her cheeks flushed in anticipation. The sun's rays pierced the foliage and warmed the two as they beheld one another. Though bleeding from the face, the old woman knew she was in the presence of something good.

"I'm waiting," she said breathlessly.

Those ruby lips parted, his glistening eyes radiating the wisdom of all the ages. "Watch where you're going."

And so, young readers, when you encounter a Damon in the woods, be sure to walk nice and heed his Word.