Daddy's Home, Precious

Dish can't stay silent any longer. We're the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby (wasn't it a girl?). Sure, we may be a blog, but we spent a magical night with Anna Nicole during one of her fertile times. We walked on the beach after a seafood dinner of squid and crabs. Laughing merrily as she scarfed down the bread basket, Anna Nicole said she loved my irreverent attitude. Where did I acquire such keen insight? Oh, ANS (I called her ANS), 'twas a misguided master's degree in French that led me to my fiery intellect. Then we made love as the sun rose. Anna Nicole pledged her enduring passion to our union and so now we're totally devastated--but really, we only care about the baby. We don't want the little pookie's money. Not at all, because Dish doesn't work in a profession that pays next to nothing.

Oh...why didn't we come forward sooner? Because our feelings for Anna Nicole were so strong, we felt we had to stay away. Plus, we couldn't afford airfare to the Bahamas. It had nothing to do with Howard K. Stern inciting instantaneous and embarrassing gas in our intestines. We tried everything to convince her of our viability as a provider. She whipped us off a nasty text to stay away, so we were like see ya. Now, we just want what's best for Daniella (Danikendra?). Publicity isn't important because we're already famous (in our field, well, maybe in our family, okay famous in spirit) and don't need a reality show--though if anyone wants to film us, we look excellent on camera and will pose nude for the right bank.

Oh, Anna Nicole, we'll never forget our night together and how sad you're gone. We'll carry on the torch of excellence and search out the quiet, private life you always wanted.

(But seriously, quel sadness. RIP, girl)