Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #19

Driven to Kill: Steven Seagal is the Meryl Streep of action movies. He excels at the fake New York accent (Brooklyn), Appalachia, and, when pressed, Ebonics. In Driven to Kill, he rocks a Russian dialect, da. As a former Russian mobster turned crime novelist (with post-its "Tolstoy" and "Chekhov" on the side of his computer to remind us that he's Russian), Steven goes to his estranged daughter's wedding in NYC. Because he's Steven, all hell breaks loose, fight scenes ensue and he must save his child from death. The director has a sense of humor when he does closeups on Steven's large pores and beady revenge-filled eyes. The old guy doesn't move around as quickly and that jaunty ponytail has transformed into steel wool, but he still delivers so-bad-it's-good action. Bottom line: Steven goes apesh*t when you mess with his family and the wife always dies.

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #18

The Mirror Has Two Faces: Two weddings, so much Barbra. I tend to watch this one a few times a year. Not only do I love Barbra, but I adore how inaccurate this movie is. First she wears a pink bridesmaid dress to Mimi Rogers's third wedding. Notice how her hair is very Little House on the Prairie as she stuffs her face full of Snowballs and gets indignant when Pierce Brosnan (who used to be into her) reeks of booze at his own wedding. The one thing Babs does well? She's a Columbia Prof of English! And knows everyone's name in the 200+ lecture hall. She says "f*ck" during her class, even points to her boobies and says, "Yes, I have breasts." Most tantalizing are her hands. Those long nails, elegant fingers--I can't get enough of her hand gestures! Then comes Jeff Bridges--gorgeous, intellectual, into prime numbers and boring in a cute way. Babs and Jeff strike up a friendship that turns into a platonic marriage (how could you DO that with Babs OR with Jeff??? Especially when she wears the cleaving busting nightie??), then conflict as Babs reveals her hormonal urges. Lauren Bacall is brilliant and Barbra is epic! Jeff probably got a big wad of cash, though I would pay to work with Mrs. James Brolin.

Why I'm Psychic

It's no accident that Dish watched these stars sucking face in The Proposal yesterday. This is why I should be reading Tarot cards for Upper East Side socialites. Tabloids report Ryan and Sandra are seeing each other in real life (or at least spent New Year's Eve in the same place). With both their marriages over, it's time for REAL love! Isn't it sad when someone unconnected to an event takes an idea and runs with it? Can't wait to tell TG.

Desperate Housewives: Reaching too hard for excitement and going places Dish doesn't want to revisit (aka Kyle McLaughlin, the woman who chopped her fingers, Susan's husband). Why not bring Gale Harold back??? Sure, his character wasn't revolutionary but maybe he could whisk Teri Hatcher (without actually touching her) to Canada? Maybe Gale and Brian Austin Green could paint one of Bree's rooms...and they could accidentally kiss on top of the stepladder, fall to the floor and roll around in the paint.

Brothers & Sisters: I knew Sally would dump the uptight shrink who is picky about how the toilet paper roll goes into the dispenser. As for Kitty, well, we've all slummed and it's sad she's realizing this fact. Who could top Rob Lowe? I say, bring in Andrew McCarthy or John Stamos. The gay dads at the adoption fair, probably the most heartwarming part of the show and I loved how the little girl picks them. Wonder, though, if we can expect her to turn into a manipulative little wench like the excellent Juanita on Desperate Housewives.

Rest in peace, Pete Postlethwaite, an excellent actor, who passed away.

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #17

The Proposal: FYI, my dress is sexier than this. It was easy to lure TG into The Proposal after I sat through two long episodes of The Munsters, his favorite show. After thirty minutes, TG decided that Sandra Bullock was more talented than Julia. I'm not sure how to react to this. Has he SEEN her oeuvre? Is he crazy? Might have to air Miss Congeniality 2 to show him the error of his ways. This is a tough issue because I love Sandra. More than Julia--I say, no. Regardless, Sandy and Ryan Reynolds meld the way mustard, balsamic vinegar, honey and olive oil mixed together vigorously can make a perfect vinaigrette.

Oh, and I'm now almost through three seasons of Say Yes to the Dress. Love Randy and Keasha but cannot believe how much brides spend on marshmallow dresses they'll only wear once.

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #16

Conversations With Other Women: I meandered around Netflix and found this treasure. Well, it's very talky talky indy indy--might be better for the stage, but I want to like Helena Bonham-Carter again. I loved her pre-Tim Burton and Wings of the Dove was life-affirming in the way depressing love stories can be. This one takes place at a wedding where a couple is reunited. Aaron Eckhart seems miscast as her love interest but this is the beauty of them together. Very indy, melancholy, split screen and must have been fun for both actors. Nice chemistry.

Two Weeks Notice!

It's hard to believe in 14 days, I will be exactly like Valerie Bertinelli and Shania Twain: MARRIED. Both divas married on New Year's Day. And if things couldn't start off more romantically, the Post published a cozy pic of Meg Ryan and John Cougar Mellencamp walking arm in arm in NYC. Ever since reconnoitering with that nasty Russell Crowe, being blamed for the breakup of her marriage to Dennis Quaid (who was no saint), and getting bad plastic surgery, I've waited for Meg to find love again. I had hope when she was linked to newly single Tim Robbins but that died down after a couple days. Surely, no I can't say this, she can find someone hotter. Starting off year on a bad foot. Never mind, I hope she and John Cougar are very happy.

David Arquette checked into rehab. He did some of his finest work in Never Been Kissed.

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #15

Wedding Slashers: Unwatchable movie about a heroine and her murdering family. Worse line ever: "You're going to get a spanking, little girl." and "You live until death." This could be a first-year film student project. The acting is atrocious (on the level of porn), the humor is beyond sophomoric and cliche. The heroine is totally unlikeable, a moody sad sack who bemoans her heritage. Oh woe is me that my family is killing everyone associated with me. Dish says, move to freaking Brazil, you melancholy mess! How thankful I am that the only horror in my family is...well...a love of what rhymes with shmalcohol.

Star Sighting--Anderson Cooper!!!

2:03 p.m. 23rd and 6th Avenue: On a desperate, last-minute trip to David's Bridal with DM, Dish spots Andy and a comely gentleman crossing the street. Coop wears a navy cap and dark glasses but Dish knows those thin lips and avian features anywhere. I hear his chirpy chirp voice in front of me all the way to 18th street. Oops, he stepped in the crosswalk and got splashed by a taxi! DM kept commenting, "He's so thin. Do you think he's anorexic?" "No, Mom, he's on television. And he's gay." Not that I know for sure because any man could walk with fingers almost brushing those of his man-friend. I psychically communicated with Anderson, "Nice work last night."

Happy thought for the day: Wesley Snipes teaching yoga in jail. Ommmmmmm. Cannot wait for him to kick butt in film again.