Steven Seagal Travels With Me

Last night, as I scoured Michael Caine's bio on imdb.com, I learned that he didn't enjoy working with Steven Seagal in On Deadly Ground. I don't blame him. What right did Steven have to direct the great Caine? Then I realized that I'd just had my pre-travel Steven sighting, which happens without fail right before I fly. These last ten years, it's become a tradition to watch a Seagal movie the night before a flight. Tonight, it's Fire Down Below, which often describes the sensation I feel after I eat spicy food. In Seagal terms, it's where the evil Kris Kristofferson dumps toxic waste, down below. The power of good, i.e. Steven, helps the Hillbillies stand up for themselves and falls in love with Marg Helgenberger, who makes honey and wears lovely cotton dresses. I adore Marg because she looks exactly like me. Okay, I'm hallucinating, but she's very pleasing in everything she does, even as the token girlfriend. On the dark side, Kristofferson hangs out with strippers and derides his son, therefore, he deserves to go to jail where Seagal promises he'll get his dues from "Tyrone." That Seagal, he takes care of everything. And I hope he is the angel who carries my plane to safety tomorrow. My friends think this fondness indicates brain damage, but I don't care. We all need tricks to get through this life.