Connie Nielsen's Toes

Sometimes, it feels as if I'm just waiting to die. Only about thirty years to go if I'm lucky. As this thought flitters through my head, I look at from my concerned parental zone and see a famous person sitting at the bar. I'm not sure who he is. My mental rolodex comes up empty but he's someone. Who is he? I'm sure he was there for a reason, for me to think about stardom rather than misery or food. Breakups are fabulous because they make me skinny.

And they make me buy bad DVDs, like when I grabbed The Devil's Advocate at 8:30 a.m. in Duane Reade. I was horrified when Keanu Reeves sucked Connie Nielsen's toes. I'm sure it felt good. And Connie can say Keanu sucked her toes. Did he enjoy it? Had she washed her feet and did they smell anyway? I think my feet are stinky. Especially when I wear my favorite leather shoes.