Oh, Daddy, Where Art Thou?!

My biological father's last contact with me was a handshake 2.5 years ago. It's okay. Blocks of ice tend not to be forthcoming unless swizzled with gin and tonic -- a tasty summer treat. So, this is why my WASP-heart kvelled when Michael Lohan -- Daddy of My Dreams -- took a paternity test on TV to prove he's the father of a girl conceived and raised out of wedlock with no financial contribution from him. Once the test was revealed, he went over to give the girl an awkward hug and she said something like, "I only just met you today." At least he tried, Lucky New Lohan!!! She is fortunate that her life will be so much better. Michael is always there with the paparazzi, ready to get you into rehab, as long as he's interviewed extensively about how concerned he is, so concerned he'll throw up on camera! When he has medical procedures, he lets you see the electrodes on his magnificently hairy chest (which all daddies have). Maybe it's concerning that Daddy has a long rap sheet, looks good in orange and behind bars, that he tends to beat the sh*t out of women. His spouses may suffer, but the children don't! Ergo, using the transitive property: I love fame and the stars. I need a daddy (Bon Jovi is busy). Michael Lohan is also my father.

Two other Daddy candidates are now upset with each other. So like, Bobby De Niro met Jay Z at a party and Bobby was, like, I so loooovvvve the lip gloss you're wearing. Thanks, Bobby, let's talk more, I'll show you all my Sephora choices. Bobby called Jay Z but he never answered. Bobby's, like, should I go Lancome or stick with a Nars glow stick? Jay Z was all I'm too busy telling the nannies to change Blue Ivy's nappies. B*tches ran into each other again at a party, and Bobby was pissed, like Mac Red Lipstick pissed, with steam coming out his Noczema. He let his fury show, which made Jay Z all uncomfortable. Beyonce tried to make nice, but Bobby knows Gen-Y manners. Obvs, Jay Z hasn't watched Goodfellas fifty-hundred times, like Dish. Never piss off Bobby who reminds me a lot of the Block of Ice.