She Can Do As Many Farewell Tours As She Wants

Growing up, I thought she was kind of beautiful. The nose, the mouth, eyes and curviness were a dizzying combination of strength and sexiness. Today, there is truly no one like her rising in the ranks.

I memorized Funny Girl when I wanted to be an actress. Then, when my interests turned strictly to boys, I relished her romantic comedies and those duets she did with stud singers (Don Johnson, Andy Gibb, Kris Kristofferson). I think The Main Event was my favorite, until I saw it recently and got bored.

I lost touch with Barbra during my Duran Duran-obsessed years. Then, she did The Mirror Has Two Faces, which was so hilariously bad, I had to listen to her music again and support her even with the box office bombs. After rewatching The Way We Were, I concluded Robert Redford never loved her because she was too amazing and he was a piece of cardboard--though we admire him for his tireless work with Sundance and NRDC. Barbra is too bright to be with just anyone, but I was secretly overjoyed when at 55, she married James Brolin. And enjoyed a resurgence of popularity with Meet the Fockers. It was kind of a no-brainer when my friend asked me to go see her at Madison Square Garden last night.

When she rose onto the stage, I got chills (which later turned out to be a fever), could barely believe that SHE was in front of me--well, far in front of me since I had a nosebleed seat. The Barbra sang and sang, bantered and flirted, reminding me of life-phases when I listened to her songs through my Sony Walkman. Almost forty years after Funny Girl, she's still kind of beautiful. And has perfect nails. She wore slimming long black jackets and skirt, pants and her signature straight blondish hair shimmered. Even her cleavage was resplendent. She glided in stilettos and took them off when she felt like it. In her rehearsed screw-up of a song, she swore in her fun, spontaneous way. The tired Bush-bashing somehow went over, except with the garrulous moron on the end of our row who booed her political talk. Barbra relayed her eating binge earlier that day, which was refreshing given how celebrities seem food-phobic. It was difficult not to be starry-eyed.

Definitely worth catching her tour and if you miss it, there'll be another one.

Vanished from Vanished...a haiku

Fox, too hot to die
Why you kill me off the show?
Oh, happy dagger!

Ugly Betty: Part Deux

She's So Lovely


It's refreshing to root for a gawky person, especially in movies like Napoleon Dynamite, Welcome to the Dollhouse, Revenge of the Nerds, Sixteen Candles, Mean Girls. Not only are ugly people an easy-to-love stereotype, they show the world the importance of having a big heart underneath the cellulite and acne scars. Ugly Betty is a welcome break from Hollywood beauty--which the above program shows us as the real ugly. Can't say it's the most amazing show I've ever seen, but loveable characters are rare and America Ferrara is a promising young actress.

What's more fun is to mock beautiful people's attempts to seem ugly in movies. Why not get a "real" ugly person to play an ugly character? Isn't that like having straight actors play gay characters?

Here's a list of pretty people who've pretended to be ugly:

Anne Hathaway in The Princess Diaries and The Devil Wears Prada: Sorry, but unless she's vomiting right in front of me, I can't ever see her as unattractive.
Susan Sarandon in The Witches of Eastwick, but then she has sex with Jack Nicholson who removes her glasses and volumizes her hair.
Michelle Pfeiffer in Frankie and Johnny, until she blossoms under Al Pacino sweet, understated love.
Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed. Then the BMOC asks her to prom and the popular girls invite her into their clique. This forces Drew to wear tight shirts and finally show off her stellar rack.
Rachael Leigh Cook in She's All That. Loveliness concealed behind thick glasses and loose fitting smocks (brilliant artiste)...until she puts on a bikini and Freddie Prinze, Jr. notices her for the beauty she is deep inside.
Cher in Moonstruck: She snaps out of her homeliness when Nick Cage asks her to the opera.
Mel Gibson in The Man Without a Face: Seen as a touching piece showing Gibson's artistry but I think he made it to incite people into analyzing the irony of the title, revealing secret narcissism. Alas, now he is The Man Without a Clean Record.
Barbra Streisand in The Mirror Has Two Faces: She courts same hairstyle as Cher in Moonstruck until Jeff Bridges rejects her lusty advance. This makes her get revenge by exercising (and eating a carrot at the same time, which one does on a treadmill), highlighting her hair and dressing like her prostitute character in Nuts.
Charlize Theron in Monster: Okay, so she was kind of uggo.

Friends 4ever! Haiku

We're so friends again
North Korea with a bomb
That's next to France, right?

"Eat" at a bistro
(I'm so much thinner than her)
Photog, check me out

Better than ever
People starving makes me sad
Does my butt look big?

Slugfest -- Haiku

Very hot right now
Please, no news on Iraq, 'kay?
'Coz I'm a actress

Star Sighting and Random News

In the elevator yesterday, I saw a shivering Molly, Heidi Klum's dog, who resides (temporarily?) nearby. She's sandy-haired, little and has adorable, twinkling brown eyes. Yes, I started shivering, too, since I was in the presence of a celebrity.

I didn't see it coming, but Vince and Jennifer split, according to US Magazine. You know who also split? Me and the 100$ I took out of the bank yesterday. I decided I need a new shirt, Altoids and takeout. But back to the point, how will Jennifer weather the pain of losing another man? How fun for her to be portrayed as the woman men leave.

Tori Spelling is pregnant. Despite the enviable nepotism, I've never disliked her. On Beverly Hills 90210, she kept her virtue for several seasons--maybe waiting until after Brian Austin Green's music career went down the toilet and she felt pity. Her performance in Trick was worthy of praise and her scorned heroines in Lifetime movies kept me occupied on Sundays.

Speaking of nepotism--more subtle this time--William Mapother is Tom Cruise's cousin. He's usually cast as a villain and as the bizzaro Cruise, he's quite effective. While Tom grins, Mapother makes you jerk in discomfort. In the Bedroom has him as the abusive ex-husband who shoots Marisa Tomei's lover. On Lost, he's bad but we don't know how or why or what he is--just that when he appears, you sense a psychotic break. The only sympathetic character I've seen him play was in Without Limits when he was on Billy Crudup's running team.

Speaking of Lost, the third season premiere is going on right now and I have no idea what's happening.

Ugly Betty

Salma producing!
Kinda Devil Wears Prada?
Fun in the sun here

Poncho and braces
Hide my fine features--hee hee
Am hot babe with curves

The Death of Saturday Night Live?

Cancellation hasn't happened yet, even with those seriously un-funny years in the early 1990s. Somehow, SNL weathers moments of really bad writing and awkward performances. This season's Tina Fey-less opener, with Dane Cook as the host (who he?), was lukewarm with no real gut-busting antics. Most the of the jokes lingered like a cat fart, including the news report. I wanted to love the premiere and find the "SNL isn't good anymore..." cliche inexcusable (mostly said by those who haven't watched it in twenty years). I've watched SNL since the beginning and I'll admit to preferring some seasons to the ones with the first cast. Of course, Gilda Radner, Bill Murray and Jane Curtin should be cannonized. But I also like Will Ferrell, Chris Farley, Cheri Oteri, Mike Meyers, Molly Shannon and Ana Gasteyer. John Belushi never made me laugh.

My sadness comes from the fact that I fell asleep during the Killers first song (also zzzzzzzzz). I didn't know who Dane Cook was -- though I vaguely remember his hosting last year -- aside from his being the hilarious and misunderstood hero of Jessica Simpson's new movie Employee of the Year (Office Space with boobs?). Cook is handsome-ish and talkative, like the loquacious entertaining guy who holds court and finally notices you at last call. This lack of Cook awareness is my own defect, though I couldn't help but feel a tabloidesque appearance by Simpson would have helped. Or maybe she did show up between the first and second Killers song (which is when I woke up).

I believe in SNL's staying power but if things don't improve, I might have to switch to Will & Grace for the guzillionth rerun at 11:30.