Kiss of the Week

Finally, Sally Field gets some action. Last night on the family drama Brothers & Sisters (really Thirty-Something), we almost dropped a stitch when Treat Williams and Sally made out. What a happy accident that we even tuned in, as we'd done the past several weeks. Sally usually plays the role of Mother Who Really Cares, giving new meaning to the word schmacting and viewers overlook her attractiveness. On Brother & Sisters, she is again a mother--except now she gets to have sex. Judging from the previews, this happens next week. I'm already holding up my sign that says, "Union."

So, here's proof that there is life after forty...along with osteoporosis commercials.

Short Straw Haiku

I try so hard, sniff
More costumes, accents and fat
Oh my! Smell my chill

Must try my next face
The industry, all Britneys
Frantic ham sandwich

Mama Mia

Sometimes, I likes me a good devil movie. But I'll talk about Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible: III later. Today's pick is the remake of The Omen, that terrible 1970s movie starring Gregory Peck and Lee Remick (a movie that still scared the piss out of my brother). Put a W in front of that and you get The Women. No coincidence since Mia Farrow plays a perfect devil's minion and Julia Stiles, who gets top billing, flashes her devil teeth. Both vixens bite it in the end. Mia kills Julia, then Liev Schreiber both kicks and runs over an ax-wielding Mia. Fun!

But this movie is about Damien, the devil child. The earlier Damien is freakier. This one could have easily been lifted from the Hollywood collection of Stepford child actors. He wins in the end, which is predictable. I mean, even devil children are our future. How else are we going to run the country further into the ground?

If you were bored by the first Omen, this one is only a little more entertaining. Some jazzier special effects--and a more disgusting decapitation of the photographer.

Vanished Update

It was more painful than I ever could have envisioned. Gale Harold, blue lipped, lying on a slab on the show Vanished. Dead. No more seeing him run after the bad guys, sporting metallic gray power-suits, investigating a possible bomb and wearing his ultra-phallic magic bomb-buster helmet. Even Mr. By-the-book Esai Morales cried over his death.

As she held his perfect hand, Gale’s poor ex-wife wept for their lost time. She’ll never get over losing Gale. Then his partner Ming Na entered and assured the wife that Gale missed her. I wondered—did the dead body smell as most decomposing bodies do? Or had they spritzed him with FDS for the visitors? Did Gale enjoy acting dead when he could have spent the last few episodes guest-starring on Law & Order or Deadwood instead? Oh, wait. He was on Deadwood and now he’s dead wood. Now that Gale’s gone, I really don’t care who else dies on the show.

But I hope Penelope Ann Miller gets everything since she's a sweet redhead--or so we think. It's hard to believe she's a huge bee-ach, which makes her all the more creepy. And yet, I think she'd be better served on Law & Order. Perhaps even Carlito's Way II?

Tom Haiku

Welcome, movie-philes
I'll be your actor today
Breathe my happy gas

United Artists
Cruise waits for no Heaven's Gate
Like some fries with that?

I'll have the Keanu-Kabob with Some Ice-T

Star Sighting: Today, 3:30 EST, HT--friend of DUAS--saw Keanu Reeves walking on the north side of 14th street, midway between 5th and 6th Avenue. He was with a brunette-bobbed babe. Keanu wore a black turtleneck and a brown corduroy blazer with jeans (HT thinks they were jeans and doesn't want to be labeled a Star Whore for noticing). Furthermore, he thinks Keanu had his hands in his jeans pockets and was possibly breathing oxygen through his mouth and nose. Bottom line: Keanu was in Manhattan today.

In other news, while we were at the gym, we turned on the TV and saw long-time super-secret crush Ice-T teaching Wonder Bread middle schoolers how to rap on VH1's Ice-T's Rap School. How cute is that? We especially like the shy fat girl, who keeps getting fatter with each episode. The show features a cuddlier Ice-T, a long ways from his Copkiller days. In these dark times, we highly recommend watching these gawky children rap their hearts out--and fatherly Ice-T helping the little mo-fos through.

A Ryan Rhyme (Haiku)

I shaved off the beard
Blond sugar and spice, so long!
Will hit Chelsea hard

Just Another Day in Divorce, Cancer and Adoption

Dish hasn't been taking her celebrity Metamucil, thus the irregularity. She apologizes for the hiatus to obsess about real people. The repeated discovery that real people are never so constant as the stars has returned her to life in the clouds. So here goes:

1. Poor Reese. Poor Ryan. But considering how pretentious his character was in Cruel Intentions, and how much he wanted to mount Joshua Jackson, are we surprised? The nail in the coffin is always the Oscar curse. What man can deal with his female partner getting an Oscar--Hello, Benjamin Bratt and Julia Roberts, Gwyneth Paltrow and Ben Affect, Halle Berry and Eric Benet. The sound of shrinking testicles can be heard across the land.

2. Kylie Minogue returns to tour after conquering breast cancer. Yes, please get back on tour, Kylie, before your copycat sister Dani takes over the music scene.

3. Where was Studio 60 on Sunset Strip on Monday? I was all ready to watch but it wasn't there. Need my fast-dialogue (and secretly, Matthew Perry) fix. Plus, I want to spend sixty minutes feeling sorry for the Harriet Hayes character. She's adorable, blonde, on television every week, told often how talented she is (when really she's kinda as good as I would be in sketch comedy), dates a hunky baseball player but is in love with the cute head writer on the show. Don't you feel bad for her?

4. So, Madonna adopted a baby and everyone condemns her. On October 26th, Andrea Peyser of The New York Post called Madonna, "the sluttish superstar." Isn't that nice? Especially to someone who's been married or in long-term relationships for the last twenty years--not that this means anything. Madonna just can't get away from that pointy breast bustier. Did Angelina get as much censure when she adopted Maddox while in a shaky marriage with Billy Bob and they carried around vials of blood around their necks? Then again, Angelina has those blazing eyes and pillowy lips. She's made out with her brother, gone public with her bisexuality and penchant for lovers rather than relationships, snatched Brad Pitt from the Aniston. She can expand her brood and we all stand back to watch with awe. Peyser also wrote--referring to Madonna and Oprah--"Don't trust these women with innocents."

Someone hasn't been taking her Metamucil.