Uphill on The Hills

I'm not sure why I watch The Hills. Stupid people make me laugh. Bad acting makes me laugh. People who think they're cool but aren't make me laugh. The Hills has all of this and more. The problem--these people do less in a half hour than I do in a minute. I vow never to watch again but then I'm drawn to:

Lauren's attempts to be good to everyone. She so looks like Marcia Brady and I'm wondering when someone's going to throw a football in her face. Or at least emphasize her moustache. Maybe I'm seeing things but I notice a thin hairy sheen above her lip...

Spencer's obvious evil, though he's probably super-nice in real life. The slacker act is poorly done and someone with more brainpower could pull it off. I'm thinking he'll be President someday.

Heidi's expert working of the system. It heartened me to see her acne last night. I love how her life-attitude is so adult and she's only, like, 21.

Okay, that's it. I'm never watching it ever again.

Tonight's Closer

Notes:
Would like more scenes where Jon Tenney is in the shower.

Love all shows about kids who kill animals and grow up to be serial killers. Would have enjoyed seeing Sergei's development then murder by crazy bitch girlfriend on "Snapped." [second best show ever]

Was I too busy moisturizing or did Brenda say she didn't want baby Fritzes? How dare she refuse to breed. You know there'll be a breakup to stir up conflict. Brenda'll sleep with that geezer ex, and then Fritz could marry me instead! I'll push one out for Fritz, though my eggs are ancient.

ps. All should buy the new issue of New York Magazine, which features Rafael Nadal. You're welcome.

Shhhh. I'm right here but don't tell anyone

Dish loves Perez Hilton's blog and it's always heartening when he displays John Mayer's douchiness. Ever since I saw the chanteur in the Swiss Army store, I've wanted to beat him up (terrible, I know) because he's hideous. I have a problem with "on sight" hatred. Some people make me clench my jaw and I can't bear to watch them: Dane Cook, Brian Dennehey, Nannette Fabray, Kim Kardashian, Carol Channing, and, I confess now, Russell Crowe. I want to love everyone but if you see me looking down at the ground, it's because I'm trying not to commit murder. Total insanity.

WTF?

I just watched I'm Not There and it's brilliant (read: I have no idea what any of it meant). Great performances and layers of narrative. My formal education stopped in 1997 and I only understand pee pee ca ca jokes. But I get the sense the movie is amazing. It's another Heath Ledger performance that makes me wish he were alive. Why did Jesus take him? Oh wait...if Jesus was thinking what I think about when I see Heath Ledger...

According to the movie poster, I'm Not There is about Bob Dylan--or things related to Bob Dylan. I never got his appeal (like the Grateful Dead). My mother liked him, though made a passing comment that he beat his wife. I was eight so I've lived in fear of Dylan ever since. Great musician -- maybe beat his wife. He doesn't really sing either. He kinda whines, a little like Tom Petty, who I also never got (and who has big teeth like Hillary Swank and Julia Stiles). Never mind, I'm blaspheming. You're not allowed to speak ill of certain icons (especially Jesus who really did make a mistake for taking Heath even though he was doing a lot of blow).

ps. For those offended, don't worry: Yay Jesus, Dylan, Petty, the Dead, Pink Floyd, Springsteen, Bono, Sting, Obama!

Didn't Revisit Brideshead

Instead, Tom and I saw Tropic Thunder, which made me laugh so hard I almost felt sick. I tend to avoid Ben Stiller because I've heard from several sources he's a puppy-kicker. Fear not, he's barely noticeable in TT. This movie is truly funny and well written. Robert Downey, Jr. is genius at playing Russell Crowe who's so method he has to dye his skin to play a black man and then adopts cliched black-isms throughout. Jack Black is bombastic and fatter than ever. Surprise and synchronicity to mini-Tom, Tom Cruise appears. And he's frightening as a beefy psychopathic studio head! I giggled every time TC said nasty curse words because he's such a goody-goody. At the end of the flick, Tom said, "A lot of people tell me I look like Tom Cruise but I don't see it." Hee hee. A lot of people tell me I look like Marilyn Monroe but I don't see it. It kills me when people compare themselves to celebrities but in Tom's case there's some truth.

So, yes, Dish highly recommends Tropic Thunder. Brideshead Revisited seemed too snoozy for a Friday night, though we loves the Emma. As I plied myself with a post-movie scotch, Mini-Tom lamented our not going to a "date movie." What a wuss. But an adequate diversion from my ongoing heartbreak. At least I get to go to the movies I want this time.

Do I Have To?

Pssst. I have a date with Tom in about 45 minutes. I *don't* want to go. In fact, I've revived Librarian Dish to frighten him away--replete with unflattering clothes and hair pulled back tight in a bun. I almost donned my glasses but that would be overkill. Hee hee. My professional opportunities of late have me grounded in the world of gay men. And that's where I want to stay. No swoony, kissy, footsy, so-what-was-your-childhood like nonsense or relationship hassles. Later tonight, I'm in luck because Queer As Folk is on Logo at 3:30 a.m. I'm so there even though I own every episode. But first, I'll sit through Brideshead Revisited (Mini's choice). Oh wait, I'm sure that's full of gay boys...Never mind!

The Fourth Sign of the Apocalypse

Nooooooooooooooo!!!!! When those lard-ass bikini pics of Jennifer Love Hewitt surfaced, I was so happy. They made me love her because Dish also has a monstrous backside and had recently splashed around in a frightening bikini. I didn't care who saw my fat freckled backside. But now, the Jennifer I love is gone and she's got Lollipop Head like all the stars. Why? I know, it's to get jobs, but still...doesn't she care about the little (jiggly) people like me?

In the Caniston

It's laughable how the media plays up Jennifer Aniston's pathetic love life. If they only knew how hoards of Jennifers live and breathe and are relieved to unload another loser. There's yoga, reading scripts, hanging out with friends who have outlived all the bad relationships, and maybe, an edgy comeback when you become wrinkly and can kinda pull off Helen Mirren sexiness. I'll wait for that and avert my eyes as the dorks pass through.

How could one seriously date chick-magnet singers anyway? They're the worst kind of investment. Think of the flaming pustules oozing from their orifices. I'd totally coat myself in Purrell first. Celebrity dating seems like the New York Buffet only more agonizing because it's in public. I live in dread of running into Ex-BFs 1, 6, 9, 12, 15, 16 on the street, and I'm thankful that I'm no one and don't have to read about them in the papers...