Two Simons and a Paul

The Mentalist disappointed me last night. To be a mentalist, you just need to smirk a lot, gaze knowingly at people, and tell them they're lying. At least, that's what Simon Baker did on the show. As usual, the witch character was made out to be so crazy as to be funny. Simon laughed at her...and smirked. The good thing: I've decided to add a new title to my name:

Dish Smith, MA in French Literature, Ph.D in Celebritology, and Mentalist

I had to switch back to American Idol, where Simon Cowell voiced my exact opinions on the candidates. He rolled his eyes, made fun of everyone, and got down to business. Would that everyone were so rash.

In other news and confessions: Paul McCartney secretly makes Dish brighten up on the inside. His music of the last thirty-ish years has added joy to my skipping heart. I like watching him sparkle (even though he's a card-carrying OMP) and flirt innocently with the babes on The View. Looking forward to his new CD.

Finally! Coming to a theater near Dish!

Falling for Grace is coming to NYC!!!!! April 3rd. Dish is marking calendar in INK. Must. See. Gale Harold. (and act completely ridiculous about it). Yay, Fay Ann Lee and her magnificent movie-making journey!!!

I've Had It!

Dish made a decision. Because I want to be like the stars, I will choose a meaningful name for my baby. Aluminum Foil Camera Smith. Aluminum foil sparkles and protects my food, therefore I love it. "Camera" for all the times I wish I'd brought my camera to capture special moments. The baby will remind me. Ben and Jen Affleck have named their latest child: Seraphina. Dish has a freaky name as well so no judgment here (!).

Tonight is full of ado: Dish enjoys the beginning of American Idol when they bring out the screaming crazies. Plus, I want to see if Paula and Kara scratch or sniff each other. Not sure the table is big enough for these four! At 9pm, I'll skip over to The Mentalist where Simon Baker will deal with witchcraft gone awry. I want to see how much they desecrate The Craft--so typical. By 10 pm, I'm wandering over to Mariska Hargita in SVU, praying her partially collapsed lung re-inflates. Our Get Well wishes are with you, Marish!

What else is on Dish's mind? Well, I wonder if Superman is safe in Cote D'Ivoire and Nigeria. My fears turn to rage when I remember what happens to Kyra Sedgwick in Singles. She gets her sweetheart ready for his trip overseas then catches him with another woman at a local club. I mentioned this to the superhero and he laughed. "That's funny," he said, not disputing my paranoia.

Aluminum Foil, where's my beer and snacks!?

Golden Globes Rundown

Last night's ceremony was a little snoozy but Dish made a few observations:

Sting's hair/beard = scary!

First "Oh My God" at the beginning of speech goes to Anna Paquin.

Bruce Springsteen was freakishly hot. To paraphrase a friend, I'd like to hire whoever worked on him.

Dish is so over Johnny Depp and his coolness.

Who seemed drunkest: Jessica Lange and Drew Barrymore

Best hair shelaqued to the head: J.Lo

Who tickled our fancy: Ricky Gervais

Best Golden Globes: 1. Salma Hayek 2. Beyonce 3. Eva Longoria

Naturally luminous: Catherine Keener

Cecil B. DeMille speech: Am tired of these white boys, but Spielberg is articulate in a sea of dullards. Gotta fess up that Jaws is and will always be my favorite movie.

Upset: Colin Farrell winning for In Bruges, but he was amazingly brilliant in that little gem.

Most improved but still not there: Maggie Gyllenhaal. Loved the colors but the dress should have fit her body better. She looks ravishing in bold blues, teals, reds.

Kudos to Kate Winslet for her double win. She was armed to the teeth with a Holocaust movie, practically naked in every scene of The Reader, and reteaming with Leo. Can't beat them guns.

Best dressed for men: They all looked the same, i.e. boring! Though Dish wanted to mess up Simon Baker's hair. How cute is he?

Dish's pick for best dress: J. Lo. If you have to go to the Globes with your pale eel of a husband, cover yourself in gold, baby. I don't care what love handles came sliding out. She was gorgeous.

Sissy, Can You Hear Me?

Yesterday, Superman left for a two-week biz trip to war-torn regions of Africa. I'd made him a list of what to pack, including Tums, granola bars, water, and Advil. He got his shots and prescriptions. Despite all preparation, Dish has already adopted her Sissy Spacek-in-Missing persona and is in drama-queen flashback mode over the good times--the endless Jim Carrey and Judd Apatow movies, his success at getting me to try octopus, my spilling a drink on him during a movie, all the cake and cookies we've consumed. In Missing, Sissy's husband goes missing and she returns to the region to investigate and follow the path leading to her husband's fate. It's emotional and haunting. What would I do if Superman went missing? What would be appropriate after dating only three months? At 6'4, oblivious to danger, and very into pastels, he's an easy mark. Dish will try to forget and focus on work, or rather, tonight's Golden Globes. If anything can distract me, it's the stars!

The Steps to Losing Fame

As I watched the new season of Rock of Love, my gag reflex came out of hiding. Poor semi-bloated 80s rocker Brett Michaels needs to have a reality show where he can get laid as much as possible long after his professional heyday. The candidates don't seem to have passed the eighth grade and the amount of money spent on implants would feed a small country. It made me sad, mostly because the reality show craze seems focused on 1. making nobodies famous for two minutes--usually while embarrassing themselves 2. a convenient way for hasbeens to reclaim glory. I pondered further and came up with key steps stars follow in their downfalls, including desperate attempts to get back that fame instead of accepting gracefully that those fifteen minutes are GONE!

Here's what happens to famous people:

1. Reach peak freakishly
2. Lavish in fame, look gorgeous, stay single in public eye
3. Naked pics leak?
4. Media turns on you or gets bored
5. Date/get married far too soon; laughable how wrong this spouse is for you
6. After wedding spread, media gets bored again but looks for "bump"
7. Next album/TV show/film bombs heinously
8. Quick fix with new album/show/film--no one cares
9. Rumors of drugs/alcohol/eating disorder
10. Sex tape leaks around time of movie release
11. Coy appearance on talk show explaining self
12. Backfires, more boredom
13. Rehab
14. Years spent in strange oblivion, maybe adopt a child?
15. Act New Agey/discover Jesus/join AA or Church of Scientology in order to network
16. Bad plastic surgery, mocked
17. Back into rehab
18. Appearance on family type show or Lifetime movie--not your best work but pays bills.
19. Busted for DUI
20. Given reality show which lasts two minutes or however long you want to practice acquiring STDs--wearing strange wig is key to keeping attention off puffiness!
21. If female, this is the long road to death; If male, you marry second wife who is twenty-three (and get a reality show spinoff).
22. Seclusion until fun cameo appearance--outrageousness forgotten! Offered substantial part as old fart, entertainment show host, grandmother, quirky over the hill broad--possible freakish award nomination.
23. Second face lift and butt fat put into lips.

Or some such...I fully realize my peak was reached at age 13 when I won a big award at school. The entire auditorium stood and cheered, my family was there, the papers covered my amazingness, and I was a star.

Running Behind!

Dish is frantic! The Golden Globes are this weekend and I had it marked down as the Sag Awards. As if! Speaking of Sag Awards and Oprah/universal fatness, Dish is noticing the emergence of batwings under her arms. I've had old lady hands since I'm 14. This all just means I'll make more noise when I clap over lame "Oh my God!" acceptance speeches. I love the Golden Globes because everyone is either drunk or high when they go up on stage. Live it up, I say!

A special Golden Globe for Superman whose birthday is today. Last night we watched There's Something About Mary (nothing with subtitles, of course). Love that flick, especially when after Ben realizes he's going to the prom with Cameron Diaz, he smiles and flashes a mouth full of metal.

Blubber

I've wanted to address Oprah's fat for weeks now. Oprah is always beautiful and I'm freaked out by all the attention she gets from her diets. I prefer Fat Oprah to Skinny Oprah. Let's call a Twinkie a Twinkie: She's never going to be a stick and shouldn't try. If she can be healthy, what else does she need? I say: buy roomy clothes, move more, eat less and smile. It's hard to keep the weight off when you age and sit on a couch interviewing people. My butt has doubled in size from ten years ago. Take heart, fat-asses: Perez Hilton included an article on his blog about how female butt fat shows you're healthy, so I'll continue to bump into floor lamps and tables, thank you very much. With all the angst over the Gaza strip, I'm so not caring about Oprah's love handles.

New topic: Relationships involve a certain amount of diaper-changing. Superman is our activity planner and I make sure he looks both ways before flying around busy airspace. Lately, it seems as if we focus entirely on his crime-fighting life. I've been okay with this since that means we don't have to focus on mine. A miracle occurred. Backstory: Months ago, I told Superman that January 8th was the worst day of my life. I said it once and figured he forgot. Surprise of all time--he called me to ask me about my emotional state (which is perky) and wants to take me out tonight. I feel loved. This beats the fact that I no longer fit into my favorite pants from 15 years ago!