Endings and Beginnings

After the harpy hellfire that was the NYC Housewives Reunion: Part Two, I tuned in to Grey's Anatomy. This show aggravates me but I had a moderate interest in making sure Izzie was dead. The McDreamy/Grey "marriage" was total BS but I enjoyed seeing Heigl flatline. The shocker for me was TR Knight's exit. I applaud that they didn't have as lame a finale as B&S--where NOTHING HAPPENED AND NO ONE HAD SEX--but I'm sure some fans are freaked out. Wonder how Desperate Housewives will end. Please don't send Jackson back to Canada. Take Mike Meyers instead.

Tonight, I'm contemplating virtue or seeing Farrah's cancer battle on NBC. The one thing keeping me from Farrah: It's too real. I don't want to see her barfing in a pan or shuddering with pain. So, that leaves me with virtue.

Dish is dating again. About 10 suitors have fallen out of the sky, a sign from the universe that it's time to leave the apartment. Now I have to listen closely and wear makeup. I forgot how nice it is to chat and have someone buy me lunch (though I have no problem picking up the check). Will continue this dating thing at least until economy picks up. It's the ultimate compromise for not ordering take out and not cooking.

Last Chance Harvey

...I'm 40 minutes in and I hate this movie! Dustin Hoffman's character makes me shudder with revulsion and I wonder how in blazes Emma would go for this bozo. It drags like crazy, has all the tension of the romance novel you tried to write when you were nineteen. The characters keep exchanging boring information about their loser selves. No wonder why my cat is vomiting.

Star Sighting

5/13/09, 7:30 pm, the Laura Pels Theater on 46th and 6th : It's one thing to see a star. It's quite another to tinkle next to one. I blabbed away to a friend about how gorgeous Gale Harold was but how his performance in Suddenly Last Summer was not my fave, not suspecting that the woman in front of me was Swoosie Kurtz. I just thought it was some chick with bright red hair (much like Dish's when she goes under the chemicals). I was waiting to whiz when Red turned around. My cheeseburger almost made a reappearance I was so excited. Then she wound up in the stall NEXT TO MINE. No, I didn't try to listen to her activities. Suffice it to say, Swoosie is ravishing in person.

Distracted is worth seeing--a decent play, sometimes a little too heavy-handed in its message. Cynthia Nixon isn't the greatest stage actress and yet she many fine moments. Lots of other good actors in the show. Cynthia *is* captivating and looks fantastic. Dish left with a little girl-crush.

Oprah, Can You Hear Me?

It's time Oprah had me on her show. After all, Dane Cook is on this week. He is high on my list of no-talents and somehow his overuse of inflection and ugly-sexy made it to the big-time. So why can't I be on? I'm pretty. I can do calligraphy and my brain is a database of celebrity trivia. Kirstie was on because she's fat. I can make farting noises with my armpits. It's my turn to be on Oprah!

Dish is seeing Distracted starring the lustrous Cynthia Nixon. I've read mixed reviews but it's about ADD, which is so up my alley. What's your name again? People with ADD must hate all those jokes.

The Real Housewives of NYC Reunion was fierce last night. So much fake crying, so much innocence. Wish one of them would sit back, light a cig and say, "Yeah, I'm a money-grubbing, back-stabbing whore and I love it." It was a little like the cat-fighting on The View but turned up several notches and with tackier dresses. The only one who seemed remotely truthful was Alex. Ramona needs to be lowered into a vat of chemicals.

New Crush

I watched American Idol for the first time in a year and was swept away. Consider me promoted to 10th Degree Hag: In Love with Androgynous Man Far Too Gay and Young For Me. Adam Lambert is what happens when Phillip Oakley, the Goo Goo Dolls guy, Michael Hutchens, and Freddie Mercury have sex. He's a return to the 80s wet dream crooner. I wish I could wear that hairstyle. I wish I were that tall. I wish I could carry a tune. She has to win.

B&S Finale Stunk Hard

The title says it all. My friend Hershey's Kiss, an expert on Mexico, found this finale offensive with its stereotypes: no paved roads, everyone piling into a truck, working in the fields, mention of diarrhea, the same bar as in Desperado. All they needed was a gunfight and a tango scene. I'm offended by the boring storylines: Kitty misses Robert's helicopter after realizing she loves St. Elmo's Fire. How her emaciated form ran hard for that whirly bird. Poor Rachel Griffiths kept gazing at the pond while everyone else schvitzed and plotzed. I've never cared about anything less than Rebecca and Justin getting engaged. The Cutesy McCuteness of Patricia Wettig and Ken Olin in scenes together gave me Montezuma's Revenge. If only Sally could have had one last romp with Juan Valdez. Or is that South America? I'm sure these writers wouldn't know the diff. This season needed more geriatric sex, drugs, menopause talk, and food fights.

Happier: Joan Rivers wins as "The Apprentice." It's the only time I have one minutia of an iota of liking for Donald Trump though this will be gone by morning.

Katie Price and Peter Andre are separating: Does anyone in the US care? Who are they? I'm separating from dark chocolate and declaring it passe. Milk chocolate is better.

Taking out the Middleman

I should throw my dark chocolate cookies in the toilet. They'll wind up there anyway. Why go through the agony of seeing them on my ass? Dish overstated about being skinny. My gauntness was a drama-queen's wish fulfillment fantasy. I'm the same as I ever was so I hauled my cellular cookies out for a long run, bought some freaking berries and lettuce.

Watched snippets of the press dinner thing last night. Loved what Wanda Sykes said about seeing Obama's nipples. I don't want to see anyone's nipples. Well, maybe I spoke too soon.

Gale Harold is on DH in 5 minutes. If they're going to keep giving him boring lines, make him from Canada, they should just sex it up--for my sake! Here's what I predict: He and Susan will decide to have hot monkey sex after pent-up frustration. When GH is in the room, he's like those dark chocolate cookies you promise to save for later but eat in one sitting. Susan'll knock over candles because she's typically clumsy which will result in yet another fire. This will cool libidos until the next morning when they try again amidst ashes, melted photo albums and despair--only this time he might dislocate his shoulder, furniture will come crashing to the floor, and she'll accidentally bring down the headboard, causing brain damage. Karma! Gale should be with Dana Delany who is sexier and more fun (and she cooks!).

Wrassling!

The Wrestler wasn't that great. Imagine The Champ, Rocky, The Big Blue -- every sports movie where a rebel fights even after being told it'll kill him. The only diff is the facially mismanaged Mickey Rourke whose charisma is evident even under the layers of rubber-face. I loved his bad Britney weave and how he threw himself into tacky stunts. The best scene in the movie is when he first works the deli and charms his customers. That Mickey is such a loveable grumpus. Hope he finds the right project that wins him an Oscar. This weren't it.

Gossip: Rihanna had naked pics leaked though no confirmation if it's really her. P. Diddles's girlfriend Cassie's crotch shots also appeared to say, "Good morning." These people are so stupid to let themselves be photographed, unless you're Colin Farrell and have to promote your film The New World. Let me tell you, I saw a new world. I want to go back to the old world!