Roger Federer Gagne, C'est Genial!

He ties Pete Sampras's record, he wins at the French Open in three sets, he shines in the Gillette commercials, cries sweet triumphant tears to show he's not an alien robot from Mars, nice people and a-holes love him, celebs pine for him, and he impregnates his wife with his super-tennis-DNA sperm. What *doesn't* Roger Federer do?

I bet he can't dance. Dish went to a tween dance recital yesterday and saw adorable little girls flailing around in metallic leggings. Must go to American Apparel to buy metallic leggings for myself, then sign up for tap lessons again. I may look like a shiny gold elephant. Lucky for me, I dance like one, too. Dish’s favorite moment in film (aside from Roy Scheider making the shark explode): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvglHa_P9BA
Tonight is about the Tonys not because I've seen any plays but I love all gay events and Dolly Parton (even gay men love big boobs). It's one of the few show-biz venues where being out is in. Somehow, this is funner than the closeted award shows with its audiences of tired fake marriages and beards.

Julia Alert!

My imaginary best friend is renting a place in the city for the summer. Must go and investigate, maybe suggest she and I start a knitting circle while she's filming Eat Pray Love. If she asked me, I'd knit her an ivory mohair sweater with cables and popcorn stitches. Dish talks a big game and this will never happen. I like to give stars their privacy (too lazy to stalk).

This is my weekend of tennis so your words won't reach my ears. My hope: Federer beats the giant Swedish tool that is Soderling. Women's tennis has been sketchy at best, with no clear favorites. My new gay boyfriend K, who might love Federer for more lustful reasons, has convinced me to get the tennis channel. Dish is a secret jock.

Touch My Six-Pack, Rose

Revolutionary Road: Two beautiful people fall in love and fight for two hours. The end. (sadly, no full frontal)

My friend "Betsy" is like a sister. She's fun-loving, wild, and even while running through the woods, hundreds of miles from home with no transportation, she lands on her feet. Her hyena laugh sends people into orbit; no matter how many chocolate pancakes she's eaten, she still has a banging cyclist bod; her big eyes sparkle and always convey happiness, which makes me happy; she's had four engagement rings (Exbf8 got me a 5 cent "promise" ring from a gumball machine because it was "special"); Betsy talks dirty to my cat, convinces me to make adult prank phone calls and do drive-bys of people we don't like. She's loud, which makes me want to be loud. This past week, she got some kind of cult training where she's supposed to be positive. Because I'm a little too Anna Karenina, I'm trying to do the same thing. Ex: I rejoice in having to work all weekend because I am a contributor. The rain blanketing the city is like the Lord baptizing our blessed community. I'm so Tony Robbins, Tom Cruise and John Travolta all rolled into one piece of Positive Pie.

Shocking Death!

WTF: David Carradine is dead. The Internets said something about hanging but not for purpose of suicide. Dish Dao: if you're going to do freaky sexual stuff, at least have a hooker spot you. Sad that this cult-icon is gone.

Duran Duran is in Russia. Watch them sight-see: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5YfDez1pHc. Somehow, this is more fascinating than video of Dish sight-seeing. Not fair how good Nick looks in light pants (coz skirt is better?).

For a switch in snacks, try soft Oreo cakes. They seem nasty and kinda are but if desperate, they work.

I'm watching The Love Boat where Robert Urich and his blond wife adopt an 13-year-old orphan named Pepito. It's so precious how they teach him not to steal.

Shocking SVU

Before I die, I'd like to see Denzel Washington in a comedy. Pelham 1, 2, 3 looks like the usual horsefeathers and another freak-ass toupee for John Travolta.

SPOILER ALERT: Last night's L&O: SVU took Dish to uncomfortable places. The rabbit-eyed blond (white-blond males always wind up being crazy and evil) slashed Stabler and I could feel that knife in my chest. Or maybe it was the too-tight underwire causing me pain. I'm always too lazy to try on bras before I buy them. Marishka Hargitay used her super-powers of seduction to save the day. A special R.I.P. for my secret favorite character--the one I'd marry if he were real--O'Halloran, played by Mike Doyle. Did anyone else notice how tragic this was? For seven years, he gave such TLC to those abused carcasses. They better not kill off my Ice-T.

Star Sighting: Eric Bogosian

11:45 a.m., lobby of the Woolworth Building: EB remarks to guests how beautiful the inside is. No merde, Mr. Talk Radio, but tell me, what was it like to work with Steven Seagal in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory? Did you feel type-cast as the brilliant but neglected villain? His character might have succeeded if he'd just tried to take out Cleveland instead of, oh, the entire world! Baby steps.

Dish has ODed on Cool Whip and beef. I'm taking Deepak Chopra's advice to drink hot water. Nutritionists say to add lemon but that tastes like pee. So my diet today is warm water (put someone's finger in it while sleeping--hee hee) which counters caloric-excesses of the past week.

Tonight

I've waited decades for Jay to leave The Tonight Show. Conan O'Brien is perfect. And perfectly tall. Dish went to Toronto with him once. Well, we were on the same plane. (I was in coach)

Let Me Eat Steak

Deep Dish Thoughts:

1. When working hard and ignoring social life (as Dish is doing until end of July), it's okay to eat red meat five times a week.
2. Retardation is when you can't open an envelope without a letter opener. Guilty!
3. Chicken fajitas + The Cosby Show = Nightmares that wake you up in a cold sweat at 3am.
4. Prince Harry's visit to NYC is distracting when trying to read Rousseau in the original French.
5. Would rather see Obama's boobies than LBJ's. Glad we've come so far in Presidential hotness and displays of such. Keep it coming. But I want to see Sotomayor in a thong. It'll give Rush Limbaugh a massive heart attack.
6. Sleeping through Justin Timberlake on SNL a second time = very frustrating!
7. Never rest on laurels, or buy Cool Whip and Pistachio ice cream after doctor says you've lost weight and are in fantastic shape. Fatness is just a spoonful away.
8. Adam Lambert is so last week. (still love him)
9. Work, because nothing new is on TV until September, unless you count The Closer. Maybe they'll knock Brenda up--unless Fritz is shooting blanks. (pun intended!)
10. Crackwhore Pink is an excellent shade for the toes.
11. Green Day's new song was phoned in. No new music!
12. Pray for families of Air France disaster. Sigh. Just when Dish was ready for a trip to Paris...
13. Pray Dick Cheney shuts his big fat face, though like his new stance on gay marriage.
14. Susan Boyle went bonkers after being #2 on talent show. I don't like being #2 either.
15. Don't burn steak!
toolate