Back To Work!

Dish has a four-day weekend sort of but is determined to work, work, work. Clean out closets (to make room), sweep and dust, not obsess or sit staring dreamily at the walls. Get back to the gym and sit butt in chair to work. Cannot let the brain deteriorate!

But first...I got sidetracked by Drew Barrymore and first Dishgirlcrush ever, Jessica Lange, in Grey Gardens. I'm used to Drew-fare, her youth-of-today affectations and fun spirit. Then she goes and shocks me by ACTING. I've never not loved Drew but now I respect her even more. While only half an hour through, I'm awed by her performance. Aside: Not that this is news, but I'm one step away from having a million cats, skull-cap and empty pizza boxes strewn over my apartment. Those crazy b*tches are hitting below the belt.

Mystery Unlocked of Why Dish Couldn't Date ExBF17

I'm trying to watch French movies again so settled cozily into Bleu -- or as my students used to call it Blaahhh -- with my Godiva Truffles. I was enjoying the heroine's sensuous reexperience of life after death but Juliette Binoche seemed too familiar. Like I'd made out with her. That adorable bulb nose, soft eyes and puppy smile. Ugh... Oh no. No wonder why it didn't work with Mini-Tom. He didn't look like Tom Cruise at all. It had been Juliette Binoche all along for those two strange months. Here I'd gone out with the greats: Donny Osmond, Liev Schreiber, Lex Luthor, Leonardo DiCaprio, John Taylor, and Juliette. I'm feeling so Katy Perry.

Then again, knowledge is power. As I prepare for my next phase of ultimate awareness and maximum happiness, it's best to understand why things didn't work, why things should work, and why I'm *ready* for them to work.

All Is Forgiven

Crime pays.

1. Mel Gibson: Congratulations on having the DUI expunged from your record. Sugar Tits never happened. Now you can devote more energy to equality and supporting the sciences in finding a cure for cancer. With a clear conscience, you can make another movie where men beat each other senseless, eat tapir balls and have an orgasmic time.

2. David Letterman: It really helps soothe the public into forgiveness when you talk over and over about your philandering. We laugh and think how funny and honest you are. Really, thank you for your bravery.

3. Roman Polanski: Oh, the whole drugging and having sex with a thirteen-year-old girl thing. Let's forget about it. Even *she* says forget about it. You have important movies to make, your genius takes precedence, and you're old. I did stupid things, too, thirty years ago.

(Dish is pissed! But happy otherwise...)

Pass Me Some Kleenex

Dish loves her hissies and many were thrown on last night's Brothers & Sisters. TV cancer brings out excellent sh*tfits and I can't get enough of them. Calista got in some cancer crying, as did Sally Field at the end but Sally won the acting contest. Did anyone catch her calcium chew comment? She takes Boniva once a month.

Speaking of medicinal recommendations, Dish is following Dishmama's advice and taking Vitamin D. I'll try anything to get some shut-eye. Something tells me V-D is not as terrific as Ambien. Sigh. Everyone has a problem. At least I'm not lactose intolerant. That would mean giving up cheesecake and that's just not possible.

Other news: Poor Travoltas, poor Kate Gosselin though I don't believe for a second she doesn't have $$$ to pay her bills, still in love with Gaga and Duran Duran. Best of all: The Groom is booking his ticket home (to me). We're both certifiable but you only live once.

GaGa saves SNL...

...but only in the last five minutes. I was appalled at SNL's suckiness last night. I shouldn't be shocked, though I won't join the whiner-bandwagon that SNL hasn't been good since 1975. Get a life! Ryan Reynolds' hosting was exceedingly unremarkable and he's a funny gay, I mean, guy. Couldn't the writers have come up with gut-busting or butt-gusting fare? Sadly, Lorne Michaels hired/fired the wrong people. I enjoyed seeing Madonna with Lady Gaga but that skit was awkward and too unrehearsed. Then, like that last helping hand as you're about to fall off the cliff, Lady Gaga swept onto the stage and sang her balls off.

At this rate, I don't think I can continue to watch SNL and might have to take the same hiatus I took in the late eighties. Mediocrity makes for deadly television.

So, Dish got a webcam so as to communicate with The Groom. I know your next question and, no. I'm not that kind of girl (stop laughing, JJ). First face-to-face visit in twenty-six years. It's like a modern fairy tale (that could end with my crying bitter tears).

She's a Super Freak But We Like Her That Way

Movie Rule #1: If you move to the country with Dakota Fanning, you're f*cked. Watch Hide and Seek (2005) during the day and you won't be scared. In fact, SPOILER ALERT, the twist in this movie is predictable, especially if you're well-versed in M. Night Shamalan Plot Twist 101. I was a little embarrassed the producers let the writer get away with it. And shame on Bobby De Niro for getting involved, though he'll do anything for a buck. The best part was Dakota and her freaky blue-eyed stare. She is so the roughed up girl on SVU who's been touched inappropriately, the orphan who turns into a rabid wolf and claws your babies and eats them, the adorable girl who stabs you in the middle of the night. Dish has developed an admiration for her (to go with fear) because this girl hasn't cracked yet. No virginity talk, no heroin shooting, no doobie smoking, no tripping drunk in front of paparazzi and Dakota hasn't flashed her fanning anywhere. She just acts. Yay, Dakota!

In New Moon, it seems she's turned into a woman overnight and now has jugs. This scares me even more.

OMP Sex Scandal!

Why am I not scandalized or outraged by David Letterman's wayward weiner? Maybe because it's not an attractive image for me--his having sex with "staffers" or anyone else. Celebs seem to be making their sex-nouncements on TV and it's getting tedious. I care for about five minutes, then I forget. Maybe it would be more interesting if he had sex with a kangaroo.

Bigger news: Olympics in Rio, which means Duran Duran's "Rio" will get tons of airplay and more money for the boys and perhaps a DD tour again through the US? We won't mention that Rio isn't even about Rio. I was surprised by the choice since Rio is supposedly riddled with crime...unlike Chicago.

Dish's wedding update: The groom wants a female rabbi with a beard pasted on. I want a Wiccan priestess. We might settle for justice of the peace but the big party was approved. The groom said he'd love to have Duran Duran playing throughout. That's enough on which to base our marriage.

Best Actress!

Dishmama has the hots for Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino and I can see why. He says things like Hallef*ckingluia and D*cksh*t all the way through--sounding a little like Dishstepfather. We loves bad boys in Dishfamily. My favorite performance was by Holly who gave a riveting performance as "Daisy," Clint's golden lab. She smiled while Clint ranted, ambled with him, poised herself appropriately by his bathtub without peeking at his kibbles and bits, (I'm not that virtuous) and then whimpered when he walked away to face the music. Really, Daisy was brilliant!

Speaking of b*tches, hats off to Heidi Montag, who always seems brainless to me but was articulate and held her own as a guest co-host on The View. Gotta give praise when it's due.