The Great Thing About Cohabitation...

...is how you can influence each other. Dish has curbed her TV/Movie watching habits (no really, stop laughing--down from 6 movies to 1 movie per week, okay, 3) and is no longer so uptight about the occasional glass of wine with dinner. I'm even drinking nutritious beverages from Jamba Juice thanks to TG's obsession with health. Tonight, it does my heart proud to see TG avidly watching Snapped, one of the best shows on television about women who murder their spouses. Most guys would be afraid and laugh nervously, but not TG. He's willing to explore the sickness and make it his own.

In celebrity news, Octo-mom keeps getting turned down for reality shows--a sign that mankind isn't totally ridiculous. Maybe she could start taking care of her kids? Dish saw Kathy Griffin at MSG with Dishbrother. As usual, she was foul and terrific. She called one of my former homes, Rochester, "F*ckchester" and the hotel where she stayed smelled like "jizz and sweat and vomit."

It's a Miracle

Melissa, the chick who got dissed on TV by The Bachelor last year, got married two months ago--THANK GOD! Humiliation over and she's giving ET the chance to document her honeymoon. The rosy-cheeked couple says they're having trouble leaving their suite. Her groom's eyes are not too close together.

For years, I'd thought Hilary Duff would be a spinster but THANK GOD she's engaged to a wholesome NHL player and will not spend her days knitting and watching CNN.

It's a good day.

Hate Project Runway, LOVE Tim Gunn!

Dishbrother wasted no time telling us that his stalking of celebs at his local Starbucks has yielded the best possible fruit: "At my 93rd & Bway Starbucks: 2/18/10, 8:43 AM - Star of Project Runway, Tim Gunn! Looks proper as ever and nodded to me as any good gentleman of the turn of the century would do as he passed another gentleman. 1899-1900, that is. What a charmer."

Thanks, Dishbrother!

Star Sighting: Julianne Nicholson

4:44pm, entering the West Side Market on 7th Ave/15th with a screaming child in a stroller. Julianne was in Mom-mode and moved with the force of an army to get kid (not sure of gender, but don't worry, baby, I looked like a boy until age 9). Dish wondered, Should I help her as I'm stalking her? Julianne's movements were far too expert. Have no fear, I'll reconnect and follow her and her hunkalicious husband Jonathan Cake. Mr. Cake goes to Duane Reade, therefore, he's in love with me.

It's True!

At 11am tomorrow, Tiger Woods is apologizing for misplacing his clubs. Dish is holding a press conference at the SAME TIME to explain why boycott of Le Pain Quotidien lasted only two days. I'm hoping TG has the courage to stand by me. During this mayhem, CNN keeps sending me dirty messages that Iran is building a super secret missile. Full circle.

TG thinks I do secret things. It's TRUE! While he stepped out, I dashed to my computer, punched in the code, scanned my retina to watch Gummy Bear Davis attempt to be straight in Millionaire Matchmaker. Gummy farted during his first date with a voluptuous blond, but at least he stopped frosting his tips. I didn't do my other secret thing, which is to buy macaroons and shove them in my face.

You Know the Day Won't Be Good When...

1. You turn on Dr. Oz for the first time and he talks about Vaginitis.
2. You see Robert Wagner doing a mortgage funds commercial. How the mighty have fallen. The first sign of the apocalypse was Joe DiMaggio doing Mr. Coffee.
3. Kevin Smith's fatness is still big in the news. He says it's the worst thing that's ever happened to him. I'd say he's doing pretty well. I would've thought Jersey Girls was his ticket to hell.
4. You have the sneaking suspicion Evan Bayh will run for President.
5. Publicity whore and no-talent Vanessa Minillo dons a fat suit (done million times before) to see how the other half lives.
6. You're fixated by TGCat performing a lewd act on a catnip toy.

You're So Much Cuter in Person...

Hillary Clinton's lengthening her tresses and sashaying around Saudi Arabia like Pamela Anderson. It reminds me a little of when Simon Le Bon transformed from short "Hungry Like the Wolf" hair into full-on girl in "Wild Boys." Bottom line is I approve of 1. her hair and 2. her efforts to solve the world's crises. Let it all hang out! We're done with the perky short-haired school marm.
Other people I approve of: Paulina Porizkova, who complained about how Anna Wintour didn't acknowledge her in the bathroom at a recent event. Twenty-five years ago, Paulina was a powerful model, so why not give her a little respect? Does it kill to say hello? Dish fantasizes about the day Vogue's resident ET gets shoved in an elevator with a group of underlings. All that muslin, fur, silk and big phony-baloney glasses won't save her from falling down a shaft.
Nice thoughts. Nice thoughts. TG sitting nearby. That's nice.

Kevin Smith Can Always Fly Dish Airlines

It saddens me that director Kevin Smith was kicked off my favorite airline, Southwest, for being fat. Don't they know fat people are The Best on planes? Not only are Fatties nicer because they feel bad for taking up space and are uncomfortable themselves, they provide an excellent cushion between you and the ground. If the plane begins to plunge, grab Fatty and hold on. Chances are, you'll survive. Fatty will also protect you from terrorists since he/she provides an easier target. While you sleep, you can use Fatty's fleshy shoulder as a pillow and since he/she is practically in your seat, you won't have to lean over too much and creak your neck. What's better than sitting next to one Fatty? Getting wedged between TWO Fatties. It's like having a parent's warmth as you sit in a frightening aluminum tube that hurls through space with drunk people at the controls! As payment for his/her service, I will give Fatty all my food since I don't eat and fly. Keep eating and meet Dish in the Exit Row. Airlines, you have your heads up your skinny asses.