Unforgettable Stars BREAK UP!

It's like an epidemic! I'm not sure how I'll handle this one. Jim and Jenny seemed so perfect together but after five years, they've bid adieu to their relaysh.

Sniff.

(TG, don't even think about it!)

Forgettable Stars Break Up

The news was like a fist to the stomach. Audrina Partridge and Ryan Cabrera split up. When the plane landed, they were totally cool but then they were like fighting and got separate hotel rooms. Whatever happened to sleeping on the couch and making up at dawn when you realize you couldn't sleep because you had a crick in your neck and missed the person sleeping in the bed? Audrina is the one with the vacant stare on The Hills. Oh, that's not enough? She's the brunette. I think Cabrera is a musician, but I knew him when he was dating Ashlee Simpson, Jessica Simpson's forgettable sister who is now married to a forgettable musician. The sad thing--like the elephant, Dish never forgets!

In other news, Nicollette Sheridan is suing Marc Cherry over a Desperate Housewives bitch-slapping. I was waiting for something from her. What else will she do since she got electrocuted on the show and broke up with Michael Bolton?

Me, I'm planning my own publicity stunt. Basketball under clothes, fainting spell at the Ivy, powder on my cleavage. You do the math.

Victim or Fame-whore?

I'm starting to lose hope in celebrities but Sandra and Elin carry the torch for me. Elin isn't attending the Masters. While the media says her presence would be a distraction for precious wittle Tiger, Dish feels she blew it off because golf is super-boring to watch.

Sandra gets my top vote for staying out of the limelight. Sure, she's been humiliated and the temptation to hibernate is irresistible. I love that she's denying the paps their photos. Right this second, a photo of Grieving Sandra has to be worth a good million dineros. According to The Post, Jesse left rehab 40 days early because she wouldn't take his call. He's supposedly furious and wants to confront her. I'm not sure if it began with my generation (X) or Y, but there's this belief that you can be pardoned for outrageous behavior. If you're really sorry, the big romantic scene should happen and all will be forgiven. SOME THINGS ARE UNPARDONNABLE. You screw up, you're gone--no therapy, no extra credit, no touchy feely confessions or press conferences.

Lindsay Lohan gets caught falling often. Photos keep popping up with the allegation that she's always trashed. Well, Dish would have a problem with stardom since falling is a daily occurrence. Stay strong, Lindsay! Be kind: We fair-skinned babes bruise easily. Steps can be uneven and happen suddenly!

Re: Erin Andrews's rise to fame. First, she's a victim of being filmed naked, then she's famous (but not the fame she asked for, of course)--so famous she gets onto Dancing with the Stars. On the show, she's adorable and talented. Rumors abound that she's dating her handsome dancing partner. Audiences are voting and she gets death threats. Will she have the strength to go on with the show tonight? How much do you want to bet she'll win the competition? While I'm all for victims reclaiming power, it smells like part of a master plan to me. Regardless, I hope she is safe. But: F*ck DWTS, Dish is watching the two-hour episode of 24.

(sorry, DM, for the swear)

(Go Sandra!!!)

Four Dicks and a Chick

I have to wonder: Where will the next scandal come from? These days, it's all about what cheating/abusive spouses are doing. Bruce Springsteen is allegedly involved in a couple's divorce, Tiger Woods returned to golf but his wife is not by his side (good for her!), Charlie Sheen will return to his show (needs $$$) and Jesse James left rehab after v. little time (I guess he's all better now). We need examples of great spouses, don't we?

TG and I are having a Dolly Parton moment. We watched the video for "Better Get to Livin'" and I might have convinced him to watch Straight Talk. He thinks she's "cute" and he's always liked her. Fingers crossed we can also watch Steel Magnolias, which could be the beginning of his nightmare.

Oh, Moses, Moses (Duran Duran)

To celebrate the coming of the Lord and the overflowing river of chocolate rabbits, Dish watched The Ten Commandments. Before the viewing, TG explained the story of Moses: He was born and shoved off in a basket. A woman like Angelina Jolie took him in a raised him. Many years later, Moses had a huge identity crisis and went to the mountain. He heard God, which was totally inspiring (like Tony Robbins), and went back to Pharaoh to tell him to heed God's Word. Pharaoh said, "Eff off!" All these plagues came and each time, Pharaoh told Moses to go eff himself. Somehow, Moses overcame and got a lifetime NRA membership. All Dish sees in this flick is bad acting, except for Yul Brynner, who is amazing. What a jewel. TG doesn't know this yet, but we're naming our first-born Yul Simon.

Dish Dishes Out Advice

Since I have five professions already, why not give advice? There are a lot of messed up people out there and I'd be happy to relate your problems to those of the stars. Feel free to send your quandaries to me through the comment section and I'll post them. I have a Ph.D in wisdom.

(Thanks for the idea, Anonymous!)

The Sixth Sign of the Apocalypse

A wave of despair hit me when I heard the news that John Forsythe died. Immediately, I reached for the table to hold myself up. Now that's a real star. No one can top the mundane but honey-voiced Blake Carrington, the original silver fox who banged Joan Collins and Linda Evans on Dynasty. He wore long cardigans like no one else. Before that, he was the voice on the intercom on Charlie's Angels. Blessings on his coming and going.

Dish finally invested in a new mattress. At 12, after reading Deenie by Judy Blume, I was delighted to learn I had scoliosis. I happily did exercises and told everyone about my ailment. Sadly, the problem went away, so I had no irregularity with which to garner sympathy (until my microscopic duodenal ulcer at age 19, which also went away). Now, decades later, I seem to have scoliosis again and a soft mattress doesn't help. I need to do yoga, like Madonna and Aniston. Pray for my curvy back!

Going to Rehab

Because he parked his car in too many garages, Jesse James is in rehab, which shocks me. I suspect he won't do the reality show route afterwards, but what is the rehab for? Maybe a bigger dating pool. Just think, you're in the same house with like-minded pervs and junkies. Rehab is Candyland (though some people really do work the program--but Dish is suspicious of the stars!). Plus, you get to talk ENDLESSLY about yourself, which I imagine celebs love (I know I do, about myself naturally).

While we're on the subject of addicts, I might have successfully gotten TG addicted to Altoids and Charlie Sheen is supposedly leaving Two and 1/2 Men. The few times I watched the show, it seemed that Charlie WAS the show. He should continue with the coke and prostitues--it sells papers, which invigorates the economy.