The Miracle Worker

When the FDA ruled to cut Ambien dosages in half, Dish hyperventilated, got on all fours and prayed to the Great Mystery for guidance. I need to start meditating, not medicating so I did just that. As I reached my transcendental state, a heavenly being appeared and said, "Who cares, Dish?" I knew that voice...from somewhere in daytime TV. "But...but...I sleep like crap, GM, and have since I was 12." GM finally revealed herself: Oprah. "Did you *see* what Lucy Liu wore to the Globes? Now that was crap," she responded. Once again, GM puts the world into proper perspective.

So it's no surprise that Oprah, my General Manager and the Queen of the Dope-Snatchers, would get THE interview of the year--perhaps, the decade--Lance Armstrong's admission to doping. This is huge. It's the only way he can possibly come close to attempting to repair the damage.This totally knocks Millionaire Matchmaker off my DVR.

The Bachelor: I'm rooting for the girl with one arm. This is probably the first time where The Bachelor doesn't seem like a total jerk.

And Victor Garber is gay. I'm sorry, what? No wonder the Titanic sank!!! (That's a joke)

The most awesome commercial ever.