Yes, We Caniston

Supposedly, Jennifer Aniston called out Angelina in the new issue of Vogue. She was like, that's not cool what the Jolie said. Meanwhile, Ange (angel) is threatening to push out more babies, Brad is loving her all over Oprah. I'm like, I wish life were this fun: brushing against equally glittering people, endless clothing, toxic beauty, gorgeous people around (though Dish confesses to having this already), and piles of money so that I could hang out in Target all day long and buy crap.

Okay, I have it pretty good. Plus, as I pop Edy's Dibs (mini ice-cream sandwiches), I get to watch Law & Order: SVU where a homeless man gets his family jewels cut off. Good times!

Okay, I'll Wait in Line

Dish hates standing in line. The track lighting beats down, exposing me to all kinds of scrutiny. What happens if I leave the line? Then I don't get what I want. If I stay, I might choke on my own air. Once the cashier scans my stuff, I'm stuck until he/she's done. When I stand in line, I become Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Theory, only instead of Catcher in the Rye, I tend to buy stuffed elephants on impulse (Duane Reade has an excellent supply). I see them, I have to have them. While I don't have tapioca pudding in a padlocked fridge, I keep a steady supply of Altoids, which remind me minty freshness removes all obstacles. And so does Ganesh the great elephant god. (This sounds a little crazy, doesn't it?) When Superman saw my array of trunk-happy creatures, I told him I was planning on giving them to sick children. Which made me feel super-bad (because I'm going to keep them!). Long story short, I'm getting Tivo. Given my social life, I need to watch my stories at my convenience.
Okay...now I have to figure out how to get TIVO or DVR, which might take another couple years. I'm told the process of upgrading my technology involves waiting in the line from hell. Nothing was worse than my eight-hour wait to renew my student Visa in Paris.

Random Thoughts as I Procrastinate

At the end of this long and gratifying week, I feel the following:

This election was very special. During this post-9/11 age and Bush era, it's nice to think good things can happen again. As a glass-half-empty person, I reserve some skepticism, but I'm ready to accept positivity.

Dirty Sexy Money is the best thing on television. This week's episode was intense. Especially enjoyed seeing Donald Sutherland in his pajamas. Bring on the geezer sex!

Speaking of geezer sex, I've become addicted to Tell Me You Love Me. Jane Alexander is a hot white-haired crone who counsels couples and one would expect she gets down and dirty at least once. She does! My favorite is Ally Walker, who seems like she would have sharp claws in real life, but she lights up a screen. Love her forever!

If you want to see a dark comedy, rent You Kill Me, starring the mercurial Ben Kingsley and goddess Tea Leoni. It was a little male fantasy-ish in that no way in hell would a nice girl like Tea fall for a drunk OMP killer like Ben--unless she were still brain damaged to think she could change her man. But they are excellent actors and I was able to suspend my disbelief (just as I did in all of Woody Allen's movies where he gets with mega-babes out of his league).

And now, I'm counting the seconds before I can see my imaginary boyfriend on Desperate Housewives. Last week, That Woman Who's Ruined My Life Twice (Hatcher) tried to make up with him but found him with another girl (ha ha!). What excellent shirt will he wear tonight?

Bloodshot Rhinoceros Eyes

My obsession with sleep embarrasses me. When people mention slumber, my ears perk up. How much sleep did you get? Because I only got 5 or maybe 5.2 hours. Is that enough? What do you take? Oh that? It never worked for me. Then around my bedtime, which careens toward me as I type, I get a second wind and want to stay up forever. I become enraged as closeby people snore the second the head hits the pillow. For five days in a row, I've barely slept and am reaching crazytown fast. Reminds me of that Warren Beatty movie Bullroar or Bullwinkle or some such (Warren found a legitimate way to do Halle Berry) where the character operates on no sleep. I've been channeling Obama and McCain, who probably haven't slept in two years and make my schedule look like pie (though it probably is like pie). How did they get through the campaign without buckets of drugs?

For this fuzzy day, I chose comfort instead of common sense in Rhinoceros Eyes, a freaky quirky flick with screwed up people doing weird things and something to do with magic props and "seeing." It has a fantastic cast including my imaginary boyfriend Gale Harold (I wondered if he was able to vote), Paige Turco, and Michael Pitt (the new Leonardo who might actually be better than Leo). I enjoyed Pitt's floppy hair, Paige's sparkling face and GH's usual ability to make me forget that my iron is on while I burn a shirt. My brain could only take so much.

And dare I forget--how great that Obama is our new Prez? I blubbered quietly and unexpectedly (a little was sleep deprivation) at that miraculous moment. We've waited a long time.

What else but the election?

Dish voted immediately upon awakening, i.e. 7:50 am, this election being such an emotional journey for two years. My choice wasn't easy. It was an uphill battle, made worse by the media, overall mysogyny, fellow Dems and the expectation that I could regurgitate "Yes we can" and believe it. My excitement for Obama to be prezzie wouldn't mean as much if it weren't for the turmoil.

Deep thought: One must embrace beauty whenever possible. Superman is my new beautiful drug of choice and Obama is far hotter lookswise than McCain. As a shallow celeb-aholic, I will finally enjoy having an attractive president after eight years of ugliness.

NBC is lactating

Estrogen has boosted NBC's SNL ratings big-time. No one really excelled at recreating Obama, Hillary or McCain, but then Tina Fey lookalike Palin was chosen and now people are excited about SNL again--and Fey is dead-on (though she always was). NBC has tacked on hours of campaign sketches. Let's hope the funniness continues after the campaign ends. Ben Affleck did a genius Keith Olbermann. I can't wait to get a kitty and name her Prescious Perfect.

Why Won't Tom Leave Me Alone?

Tom Cruise visited my dreams again last night. How many times does this make and why? I was at a party, so was he. We had one of those sightings across a crowded room. We met in the middle and hugged, not romantically but just like Thank God someone is here for me in this lame party. It felt good to be hugged by Tom Cruise. I told him how much I enjoyed him in Lions for Lambs. He hugged me harder. I guess he's not used to praise.

Now...if only someone could tell me WTF Tom stands for in my life.

Iron Iron Man

I love to do chores while I watch movies. I thought it fitting to iron during Iron Man. If you love tongue-in-cheek action movies, this one will keep you in chuckles. At first, when I found out Robert Downey, Jr. was going to be a superhero, I thought, Wow, they'll let any crack whore wear a cape, but RDJr is fabulous. Usually I avoid Gwyneth (love her mother!) but she was delightful as the long-suffering assistant. Helped that she was a redhead because then I could imagine it was really Dish (except a little fatter) RDJr was crushing over. No but really, Dish has enough complications. Aside: Is it a universal truth that all bald men are villains? I enjoy Jeff Bridges as a bad guy but missed his luscious tresses.