Just when you thought politics wasn't sexy...

Check out this hunka hunka burning I'll-kill-you-and-your-family-if-you-say-ANYTHING-against-me Vlad the Impaler Putin. I don't know about you but my night is made. I had this crick in my neck and now it's gone. I'm healed! (Nice boobies).

Suck It, Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck

Her honor and venerable goddessness Sonia Sotomayor is confirmed! This wise latina will do so much to uphold and interpret the law. And I'm sure she won't sexually harrass her underlings or leave pubes on a Coke can as SOME judges might do and STILL get confirmed.

Rah rah, SIS boom bah! I can hear the shrinking testicles of fat white male politicians and pundits everywhere!

As Julia Says: Big Mistake. Huge.

Dish won't watch American Idol ever again now that Paula Abdul is gone. The execs chose Ambien-substitute Kara over our favorite nurturing and drunk Paula. It's all about $$$, of course. They will pay Ambien-subtitute 2 Ryan Seacrest 45M for making inane comments and homoerotic gang signals at Simon. Ambien-substitute 3 Randy Jackson will probably get many Ms for saying "dog", but the execs won't fork it over for Paula whose misfortune is that she has a vadge. I hope the ratings plummet and the show gets canned.

On another note, many years ago, in a land called Upstate New York, Dish was a blushing eighteen-year-old who puffed on her Malboros, translated Latin poetry and threw back refreshing Gin and Tonics on Dishmama's porch. The smoking is gone but I'm re-instituting late afternoon cocktail hour. In my Lush-Training, I consulted J.J. who instructed me to buy cheap gin unless drinking straight from bottle (maybe in a month or two). Forgot to ask--is gin like mayonnaise in that you have to refrigerate after opening? I gots my limes, tonic water, and ice. So, come five o'clock, I'll start appreciating summer. Such a small thing. Poor Paula must have had at least five G&Ts by now.

Still a Rock Star

People are complicated. Our former president ate pizza/got blown/made inappropriate comments that sabotaged his wife's campaign. Today he got two U.S. journalists pardoned by North Korea. Did he promise that leader sexual favors (you know that's the joke all the late night hosts will have)? Even through his *um* gaffes, I never gave up hope.

What I don't understand is how Shirley MacLaine fell in love with Fred MacMurray in The Apartment. He is as sexy as a worn shoe but she loved him enough to overdose on sleeping pills. Maybe I've been doing it all wrong? Normally, I see attempted suicide as a relationship dealbreaker but here it only inflames Jack Lemmon's love. Shirley did the perfect thing by getting her stomach pumped and heaving in Jack's bathroom. Lesson learned. The problem is...well, there's the whole ending-of-life thing. Too much effort for this lazy scheming girl.

Dish had a near miss where checks were mislaid (poor checks) and all sorts of accusations would have come to light. Thanks to the good people of Chase, it was made clear that Dish is a space cadet. I blame it on the heat and my feeling under the weather.

The Ugly Truth about The Ugly Truth

Dish's trusted advisor deemed The Ugly Truth a Sh*t Sandwich. I tend to enjoy these mindless comedies though I loathe the Heigl and her overly-opinionated ways. Plus, I'm becoming more afraid of Gerard Butler's beer stench. I can smell it just from the previews -- the sour sweaty Sam Adams wafting toward my nostrils. A sheen of perspiration between the folds of his wrinkly man jowls, his beer boobs softly whispering, "What happened to you after 300?" Yes, I'd still make out with him but I might need to wipe him down first.

Bad Dates

Today is the birthday of a lame a-hole who is probably basking in his lameness by bowling or eating lame grasshopper pie with his bevy of platonic (co-dependent) friends. Grrrr. I have several dates I need to forget, along with this one: October 26, October 30 (damn Scorpios!), June 9 and January 9. Hard to know how to forget other than to redirect and remember today is also Mamie Gummer's birthday! She is the daughter of Goddess Meryl and an overall Hot Chick With Talent. Yes, she appeared in such stinky films as Evening but she was the good one in that crapfest. She can act and, more importantly, she rocks the fair hair, white skin look that is a rarity in the Hollywoods.

Thanks, Mamie! You have saved this day!

I am struck...

...by severe lethargy. Must work and straighten hair but all I can do is watch some silver fox narrate "Shark Week" on the Discovery Channel. Sand sharks = scary and ugly. Great White sharks = sexy but deadly, like dating. Lemon sharks = dangerous but I'm not impressed since they make me think of dessert: lemon bars, lemon meringue, lemon with coke. Alas, instead of absorbing the information, I'm singing my lyrics to Jaws. Greater than my lethargy is my musical genius.

In other news: Madonna, the Jonas Brothers, Lindsay Lohan, Halle Berry, the Beer Summit, poopy doopy, G.I. Joe, Funny People same old same old, Julia and Julie, blah di blah, schmoopy goopy.

Are You Feeling Dirty?

Fifteen minutes: Another episode of Dirty Sexy Money, where I'll see my hunka-hunka burning white-haired bulbous-nosed passion Donald Sutherland, the oh-so emaciated Jill Clayburgh and the rest of those fun, reckless and rich Darlings.

As I spent the day on Amtrak going to a Dish family reunion, I envisioned my Netflix envelope of 24 sitting in my mailbox. Can you imagine Jack Bauer at a sedate family gathering, chowing on baked beans, chicken and potato salad (he'd probably drink all the beer and wizz on the picnic tables--or at least Kiefer would)? Jack might not participate in the water balloon toss, yack about olden times or look at emus with my cousins' children, as Dish did. I avoided the balloon toss because I didn't spend two hours straightening my hair for nothing. And those kids are bad throwers. Not to mention Dish won't do a wet t-shirt contest in front of family--only everyone else--but I did drop a massive F bomb as I was leaving. During the celebration, I helped decorate turtle hats with a five-year-old, one three-year-old and a baby--all of whom threw their markers on the ground, not efficient for crafting! The Dishes are a fun group and provided only the best in fattening comfort food.

I barely got to read Page Six but summertime is not so exciting in the celebrity world. Well, aside from all the deaths. Otherwise, it's like they hibernate during off season. Come fall, there'll be a new season of freak shows.