Big Swinging Dicks

I'm so tempted to bring out my ruler. There's all this talk about Jay Leno moving to later and pushing Conan O'Brien to midnight or beyond. The Oracle of Dish foretold a huge disaster putting JL on five times a week, edging out better shows. Can't you imagine these NBC executives (I envision a mix of good-looking empty shells and nerds who've never been laid and are now so pissed) sitting in a plush conference room, dreaming up ideas that are hopelessly out of touch with viewers? Conan is like one of the 101 Dalmatians trudging through the cold, trying to find shelter. It saddens me since Conan is funnier than that joker! Not to mention, he and Dish took the same flight to Toronto on Air Canada, so we're bonded for life. If you ask Dish, the wisest course is to put Craig Ferguson and Conan as close as possible to each other and let tries-too-hard Jay work on his freaking cars.

To paraphrase Shirley MacLaine in Postcards from the Edge: It's so important for Conan to have his turn. Jay has had his!

Watchmen

If Javier Bardem and C. Thomas Howell had sex, they'd produce Jeffrey Dean Morgan with Jeffipoo taking after Javier's side. JJ's brain is short-circuiting from the sandwich potential here. Watchmen is a lavish hunkfest with Billy Crudup (brother in sperm with Jeffrey), JDM (B.I.S. with Crudup), and Patrick Wilson as washed-out superheroes, directed by Zack Snyder of 300 glory. Snyder obviously had enjoyed several communal soaks with Frank Miller since it echoes his work almost too closely. Overall, I fell asleep but enjoyed a couple poetic parts, especially with Billy Crudup as Dr. Manhattan (Blue Man Group). Rent only if you are into graphic novels.

In train wreck news: Vince Vaughn married a nobody which means it could work; Katy Perry and Russell Brand got enraged, as did Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood. I'm not sure either couple will make it to the altar.

Who's Looking Out for the Pills?

With the many recent deaths of young Hollywood from overdosing, Dish is scared that escapist meds will vanish. If meds vanish, rehab will vanish, which would eliminate a crucial step in the Has-Been comeback and several reality shows. If we don't have enough Dorazepam, Howispam, Ambien, Lorazepam, Paxil, Wellbutrin, we might see ragged performances by anxious people--the last thing we want. These deaths might be a Scientology conspiracy so I have to put my foot down. Please reassure me that drugs will flow in Hollywood and that actors will mix them.

I'm hanging on by a thread.

First Lesbian Dream of 2010!

I've been blessed by the best! I blame this dream on the flannel elephant sheets. Picture it: midnight as Dish mingles with a crowd of revelers. Madonna was in that group and she had her pre-Raphaelite hair circa 1996. Everyone got to kiss her goodbye. Then came Dish's turn. It was the kiss of the century, one I'd remember forever. I secretly hoped someone was taking pics so I'd wind up in the tabloids. Madonna broke away, seeming disturbed. I felt content that I'd jolted the superstar. Madonna loves Dish! As I skipped down the subway steps, I wondered how many hours of sleep I'd get before work. When I woke up, TG was wearing a long curly blond wig.

Dish has ordered her outrageously expensive copy of Falling for Gracie, directed by and starring Fay Ann Lee and Dish's *former* imaginary boyfriend Gale Harold. If you go to www.fallingforgracie.com and order before February 5th, you might get a personal message from the director. Dish is ECSTATIC!

Annette Bening's Bangs

6:30 pm: TG and I compare Diane Sawyer and Katie Couric on the evening news. ABC news has cheap local backdrop and Sawyer's delivery is too intense. Not to mention, she wore a pinstripe suit, my pet peeve. She moves her head too much and everything is a catastrophe. (still have a little crush)
9:34 pm: Day is complete watching Annette Bening's bangs vibrate during her "female upstart" speech in The American President.

Last night: Teri Hatcher wore a fat suit, an excellent look. I might give her credit for daring to appear ugly in front of millions. But wait! It's a good strategy: We see how fetching she might be in contrast. BITCH! I still hate her and her devious manipulations. Victory: TG watched Desperate Housewives even though he said he was going to do his own thing. He's malleable and will sink to my level on command.

Since all Julia matters concern me, I've started reading Eat Pray Love. I may be killed for writing this but one more story of a rich WASP finding enlightenment in the Far East provokes my gag reflex and yet I can't put it down. My guru is: Snickers. Damn me!

What's Your Syndrome?

Since her catastrophic downing of pills to deal with her broken heart, Alexis Ray Joel wants to help other girls who endure crippling depression from "Heartbreak-Related Syndrome." I have Fat-Ass Syndrome, which cripples me sometimes. I can't get out of bed, which only makes my ass bigger so it's a vicious circle--literally. I also have crippling Ice-Cream-Itis, which I can't talk about and is self-explanatory. Soon, I'd like to address high school students who suffer from similar issues. Go back to singing, Alexis.

The year is not off to a promising start. TG confused Gene Simmons with Richard Simmons. He said, "It's impressive Gene Simmons keeps exercising at his age." The only thing Gene Simmons exercises is his penis and a hairbrush. TG also mixes up Matthew Broderick and Michael J. Fox, which I won't even get into.

It's Constipated

TG spent 25$ on our tickets to It's Complicated. Not my $$$, thank goodness, because it's terrible. I enjoyed Something's Gotta Give and What Women Want (kinda) but this one Nancy Meyers wrote on the john. Again, when you pile 3+ stars into a film, you get 15 mg of Ambien + 5 mg of Lorazepam = the perfect bedtime story or my 7th grade diary. What did I hate about it:

Slow pacing
Predictable dialogue and plot and not even comforting-predictable
Sick of women cooking and gardening in chick flicks
Sick of groups of four women doing girl talk (which is always about men)
Meryl is a little too close to Diane's character in Something Gotta Give (white clothes pre-coitus, black clothes post-coitus; throw in adorable children and loving exes and you have no basis in reality.
Oh the cliches!

The best part of the movie was when Meryl and Steve Martin got stoned. Through the many twists and turns, I whispered to TG, "I'm so surprised that just happened." This isn't even a FUN bad movie. I would rent the remake of The Women before seeing this again (though Annette Bening looks amazing in this one). That said, I love Meryl with all my heart and she is sexy and gorgeous. Whaddya know, she used her Julie and Julia skills to run a bakery in this one.

Before you see it, ask yourself: With the crazy premise, do you really think Meryl is going to wind up with Alec?

Accidents

I don't like to disappoint people who think I'm a moron so during my carefully carved out Dishtime post-holiday extravanganza, I viewed The Accidental Husband. Uma Thurman + Romantic Comedy = Guaranteed Disaster (exception: The Truth About Cats and Dogs). When you throw in too many mega-hunkaliciouses such as Colin Firth and Jeffrey Dean Morgan, you're in more trouble. The sad thing: I enjoyed it from beginning to end. What's not to like? It's obvious and doesn't challenge my intellect:

1. Colin Firth is basically a girl from England who eats chocolate when stressed; Jeffrey Dean Morgan is a dumb, burly fireman from Astoria. Colin probably enjoys a hygienic missionary and Jeffrey likes giving it bareback in the pooper. I wonder who Uma will pick!
2. Uma is a love expert who has no idea what she's talking about--ORIGINAL!
3. Uma accidentally gets drunk and falls on her face--a Romance Comedy staple.
4. When she doesn't get the guy she REALLY wants, she goes back to Colin (a girl) and almost marries him, which is the film's stab at same sex union.

Other than Uma's pneumonia throughout the film (so obvious she was sucking down Nyquil or smoking her brains out), my favorite part is the attempt at ethnic diversity, an Indian family and all the colorful saris, let-your-hair-down and dot- in-forehead fixings to show Uma that she needs to relax. Thanks, Griffin Dunne.

Happy New Year!