Dishstory

If The Tudors had existed when I was fourteen, I would have aced Western Civ. Instead, I got a C. Did you know that Henry VIII, after beheading Anne Boleyn (relative of Dish), married Jane Seymour, who played Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman? All world leaders fall in love with actresses so it's understandable and Jane is hard to resist. Jane has such powers of seduction she could lure even a Quee--I mean King such as Jonathan Rhys Meyers into her bed. Way back when, she was the hot temptress that brought Christopher Reeves to fields of ecstasy in Somewhere in Time. Of course, Jane Seymour was destined to be Queen of England.

Long Live, Jane! I'm only on the third episode of Season III so don't tell me what happens next. By the by, Jonathan's eyes are a little bloodshot this season. He needs to lay off the Captain Morgan.

(ps. TG is making mac and cheese from scratch. I'm not sure how I got so lucky.)

Don't Get Huffy With Me

Someone pissed in my FB Friends' Cheerios because I've noticed so many more passive-aggressive status updates that criticize something I (and many others) have done in the last week, i.e. paid attention to the Conan/Leno debacle, revealed the color of my bra to raise breast cancer awareness or participated in a silly creative Mad Libs type of status update with female Friends. Passive-aggressive updates are a great way to diss your friends without having to do it to their faces. I appreciate this because I am a WASP. Confrontation is so dirty.

I apologize if my delving into celebrities is the wrong way to spend my time. I gave to the Red Cross, studied Latin for nine years, got an MA, knit an enormous blanket for teen cancer, rescued injured puppies and single-handedly brought them back to life, tried to go vegan but the gas nearly killed me, I read The New Yorker and I acted correctly by voting for Obama. I wore a fuscia bra today so sue me.

Speaking of which, 2 more days till the Golden Globes!!!!

The Devil is in the Donation

Dish donated to Haiti relief. Is it too soon for me to invent a new drinking game for the Golden Globes this Sunday? Every time a star publicly sends their prayers to everyone in Haiti, do a shot. Please excuse Dish's cynicism, but on award shows, overtures about tragedy often seem insincere to me and for publicity purposes (exception, the 9/11 Emmys and SNL). I almost want to skip them because of the potential plastic outpouring. It may get viewers to donate rather than ogle gowns. And George Clooney is organizing a Haiti telethon, after all. (but did he donate at least a million dollars to the effort?)

Who am I kidding: if there were a telethon, Dish would call endlessly, trying to reach Jack Nicholson...or someone linked to George (Julia). Can you tell I'm housing two Dishes--Humanitarian and Stargazer? We'll call the latter "Betsy."

Let's Forget This Day

Heidi Montag displayed her new plastic surgeries on the cover of People. This is the last resort for those with no talent or intelligence. Dish then watched Palin with Bill O'Reilly and discovered that, like David Gregory of Meet the Press, O'Reilly is an interrupting cow! Every time Palin was about to utter her last sentence, he pounced. I don't agree with 90% of what she says, but she should be allowed to speak. Michael C. Hall of Dexter brilliance has Hodgkin's Lymphoma, but outlook is good. Conan, my second favorite redhead after Kathy Griffin, is getting reamed by NBC. The poor senior staffers at Vogue might have to give up their private cars and take the SUBWAY to work. Devastation!

Oh, and thousands and thousands of people died in Haiti!

I might have to pray but I'm not sure where to direct it. (Julia)

Keep Those Idiots Coming!

Tila Tequila has always annoyed me because she's dumb and addicted to at least one substance (and not in the way that's fun for everyone to watch). The novelty of bisexuality on TV compelled me to watch one minute of her reality show before violence flooded my veins. Now that her "wifey" Casey Johnson died, she's bound to have a new reality show on coping with her grief (by finding her a new "wifey"), the way the Jacksons have risen from the ashes after Michael's death. I'm so depressed, I have to watch the trainwrecks on American Idol tonight.

Speaking of future trainwrecks: Squeaky aka Tobey Maguire dropped out of Spiderman 4. Maybe they could hire George Clooney. I can just see someone super-buff like Channing Tatum taking Squeaky's place. Who will replace Kirsten Dunst? Of course: MEGAN FOX!

Of Flesh and Blood, I'm Made

According to www.perezhilton.com, Human League is back in the studio. Dish may be lost in the 80s, but it was a great decade for music and Human League got it started with "Don't You Want Me." I was in eighth grade, sporting a hideous perm and wearing striped velour shirts. TJ was my love interest and I used to walk by his house at least twice a week (STALKER!). Go, Human League. Help me stay young!

Aside from Harry Reid's psychotic brain fart, Conan O'Brien is getting pummeled by NBC (discriminating against redheads). Mark McGwire finally confessed to his crutch. Little Jimmy just asked if that would be on the final exam. 2012 is almost here. The truth emerges, like those silken words from Anita Bryant's mouth.

Not to end on a bad note: Desperate Housewives was terrible and the evilization of Jon Tenney on B&S made everyone laugh (because he's so nice). My one prayer: Please don't let Sally Field go too long without getting laid.

Why Waste Time?

Couldn't get through Australia and watched the first five minutes of The International before realizing: As much as I love Naomi Watts, life's too short for bad movies. So now, TG and I are listening to The Carpenters. He's working, I'm thinking about the stars.

For instance, Derek Jeter is supposedly marrying that Minka Kelly of the amazing bikini vacation. One thing I like about DJ: He's one of the few sports figures who doesn't yell obscenities after playing badly. He is consistent, like a good bowel movement.

Today, Joe Lieberman and John McCain were reporting on their Dangerous Territory tour of Afghanistan, Pakistan and Iraq. I think they are secretly in Key West, kissing on the beach.

Down Under

Important Insider Gossip: Scarlett Johanssen is a pleasure to work with. Liev Schreiber is excellent but a bit of a diva. Will Dish go see A View from the Bridge on Broadway? Probably not because I'm not an Arthur Miller fan. Maybe if someone else pays.

Today I worked my way through Australia, starring the cast of every Australian actor of the last twenty years, minus Russell Crowe. I still have three hours of sandstorms and loinclothes to endure. Nicole Kidman has never looked better. In fact, her plastic surgery settled down. She was preggers during the making of the film, though you wouldn't know it. Her costar Hugh Jackman plays a manly muscled bar-brawler but to me, he is a big girl--not a cattle driver. Hugh's driving something else.

I made TG watch the first two episodes of Sex and the City today--to catch him up with pop culture--and he likened it to waterboarding. I think he protests too much.