Are You Ready for Betty White?

She'll probably bring amazing ratings to the long-stinkifying Saturday Night Live. It's been unwatchable this season, though the worst episode was when no-sense-of-humor Lance Armstrong hosted. I feel partially responsible for Betty's hosting (she's joined by a flock of females just in case she falls over) since I joined that Facebook group to get her on the show.

In other news, Bethenny Frankel and her husband had a baby girl today, Bryn Hoppy, 4 lbs and healthy. Many celebrity newborns weigh in at under 5 lbs and I couldn't be prouder. One must start the undereating early, especially if a girl.

Dish just finished the fabulously trashy The Diana Chronicles by Tina Brown. I remember so vividly where I was when Diana died. TG and I discussed celebrity deaths that affected us. He almost shed tears over Anna Nicole's demise but was revived by the fact that Larry Birkhead seemed to be a good dad to their love child. DishBrother was upset when JFK, jr. died since he'd seen him at a party and almost fainted from his gorgeousness. Which celebrity death messed you up?

The Real Housewives of New York City Should Be...

...used as landfill.* I only mean that a little. Last night's ordeal got very Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf with the Elizabeth Taylor role going to Jill Zarin. She cries, laughs, loves, then goes off on a raging tear. The villains change from episode to episode, though the core personalities remain true:

Bethenny: poor-me commitophobe who can level you with her nasty mouth. Is supposedly in labor right now. Just married strange person who's a little self-helpy.
The Countess: gorgeous, with a nice deep voice but shows her class by telling a young underprivileged girl she's too fat.
Ramona: Needs medication.
Alex: Nerdy girl who had integrity until she discovered her power.
Sonia: Fun and slutty, like Samantha on Sex and the City.
Jennifer: So far, the normal one.
Kelly: Flaky model who, this season, is, like, likeable.
Jill Zarin: Janus.

As much as I find these women mostly toxic, I can't wait for next Thursday. God help me.

*term often used by TG to denote the worthless.

Almost Friday

I'm not sure who I'd rather be in this picture. How nice it would be to experience the magic of Julia and Javier up close. At the very least, I want to know what Julia is knitting. Will be satisfied to see the chemical explosion when Eat Pray Love comes out in August.

I'm not excited about Ironman 2 as it looks mediocre. Bret Michaels is on the cover of People and I don't understand how this happened. In his hospital picture, he's wearing a bandanna and fake-sleeping. It reminds a little of when Meryl Streep dressed up Shirley MacLaine when she was in the hospital in Postcards from the Edge.

At this point, life can't get better. TG is out getting me ice cream, no questions asked.

Nine = De-Lovely 2

Dizzy from bad movies tried to watch. Couples Retreat: Unwatchable, even with Jean Reno wearing a Speedo. :(

Second stinker: Nine. I know--this means a death sentence from Gayville but I can't be silent! So many divas in one movie usually means trouble (exception: The Women and Steel Magnolias). This one had so many gloomy ballads and fall-asleep performances. Daniel Day's Italian accent and narcissism loosened the blockage in my intestines. I might have liked this show had I seen Antonio Banderas, whose charisma is 2-die-4. One bright spot: Kate Hudson is FANTASTIC!

Gossip: How strange that Tiger Woods's #1 mistress = David Boreanaz mistress. Mistress + $$$ = ho. I'm just saying. Wasn't Rachel Uchitel once the posterchild for lost fiancees of 9/11 victims? Kendra Wilkinson--famous for her spreads with Playboy and Hugh Hefner--might have a sex tape released, just in time for her to show off baby weight loss. Judge Judy is far more interesting, and if I can venture some perviness, far more alluring because of her true accomplishments. You never know, she might sport a banging bikini bod under those robes. Today, on The View, she scoffed at the latest celebrity craze to admit sex addiction. She attributes it to poor zipper impulse control. Can you imagine JFK going to rehab for sex addiction? He was too busy running the country. Soon, we'll dream up rehab for those who only like to park the car in one garage.

I need a disorder, y'all.

I May Not Want Him Anymore, But No One Else Can Have Him!

F U, Charlize Theron! Just because you won an Oscar for playing a serial killer, you make interesting movie choices and lived in South Africa, doesn't mean you are allowed to DATE Keanu Reeves!!! HE WILL ALWAYS BE DISH'S! The only time I'd allow my Kee-Kee to date is if it's Sandra Bullock. She also starred with him in two movies and I'm sure she's a better kisser!!! I'll pretend I didn't hear about the two of you canoodling in Hollywood last night!!! Damn you and your perfect looks and blond hairrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Weeping for Lynn Redgrave

I enjoyed Lynn Redgrave as much as her sister. She seemed like the type you'd want to have over for coffee. Vanessa, not so much, but with her I'd enjoy doing an in-depth analysis of Virginia Woolf's writings. Sadly, Lynn had been battling breast cancer these past seven years. Blessings on her coming and going. That family has had a crappy couple years.

Also crappy these past couple years is Desperate Housewives. As DishBrother notes, it was never good but now the show has become boring. Again, my butt has written better stories than last night's spectacle of ridiculousness. Three psychopaths all vying to unleash hell on one potential character we probably don't care about. I'd like a bloodbath, please.

In addition, last night's Brothers & Sisters was phoned in. As usual, Sally Field kept up the scenery with her puttering, cooking, and small talk. Justin's pointy-nosed-wife got all acty when he announced he was too dumb for medical school (get back on the Vicodin b/c it gives Sally something to do). You could tell Acty was all upset since she appeared without her usual glowing makeup. The wan look is a dead giveaway. Then, now that Luc is living with Sarah, he's lost his penis. Nora might be keeping it under her pillow until Treat Williams/Jon Tenney/Lindsay from Chariots of Fire/Danny Glover return to the show.

God help us all.

The Circle of Death!

I dreamt that a lion and a tiger pounced on me. The voice in my diseased brain said, "Lie still. Pretend you're dead." I did just this and watched as little TGcat leaped on both animals and saved me. Crazy but prophetic, Dish awoke to read about last night's bomb scare in Times Square in front of the theater featuring "The Lion King." I have a hard time believing it's for real since terrorists generally aren't so dumb as to use a bomb that doesn't work. Will await updates before freaking out.

So, since John Paul Stevens Jessica Parker is leaving the Supreme Court, Obama needs another judge. Dish's nominee is: Lindsay Lohan. She would add fun, the youth vote, and she needs a job. Sotomayor would smack her if she drank on the job. Clarence Thomas could put pubes in her rum and Coke. A good time had by all.

To make up for my restless night, I will watch Desperate Housewives, which is sure to put me to sleep.

May Day!

Poor Catherine Bach (aka the original Daisy Duke--and still super gorgeous). Her husband died yesterday of an apparent suicide. The only fishy aspect is his link to Michael Jackson. But why off yourself if you're married to Catherine Bach?

News is slow beyond the horrible oil spill in the gulf. And it has nothing to do with product from the Jersey Shore. Bahahahahaha. Again, very slow news day.