What's Up, Men?

Girls Gone Wild mastermind Joe Francis has been sentenced to jail for boy-gone-wild-against-girl violence. What a sociopath mess! I'm sure some therapy and anger management and time behind bars will repair his fractured neurons.

Lamar is in hell. I keep hoping I will wake up and realize I've dreamed the demise of the Lamar and Khloe marriage. They are so cute, sexy and cuddly together. Why is he yet another cheating drug user? I wanted him to be Mr. Perfect! Can't we pretend nothing happened?

Alec Baldwin can't control himself as he and another photog tussle. The evidence keeps piling up. And photogs are so brilliant, even dressing for a work-out. Wear good sneakers if you try to snap Alec.


Katie Holmes is filming in Cleveland. Dish is on her knees, praying for her immediate return to NYC.

And now, news you've been waiting to hear: tomorrow I will reunite with J.J., our favorite hair guru, to get the mop of straw dyed--I mean, enhanced.

What Was That?

I forgot to watch the VMAs last night, though I forget every year because the inarticulate speeches make me ill. Plus, you just can't top Madonna kissing Britney. I did watch some clips, especially since there is much ado about Miley Cyrus. I can see what the fuss is about--I mean, Can't Sing, Can't Even Try to Perform without Bumping Up Against a Foam Finger. I mean, ew. Why do female singers always have to tramp it up, especially the pre-pubescent ones? Why can't they just...you know...sing? At least N'Sync wore nice suits (to hide middle-aged bodies) and displayed some talent in movement.

In other news, Lamar and Khloe seem to be over. It's not just the cheating, but his alleged drug use. I was pulling for them. She and Kris are the only ones who don't talk in a detached monotone.

Ben is the New Batman

...which begs for Matt Damon to be the new Robin and Jennifer Garner to be the new Catwoman and Robin Williams to be the new Alfred. I may be in the minority but I approve this choice of Ben. He'll bring out the bat in the man. Christian Bale does nothing for Dish. My only worry: Doesn't playing Batman kind of mean your career is going downhill?

Time for some Kleenex on this news: Richie Sambora has left Bon Jovi. If Duran Duran can survive the loss of Andy Taylor, surely, Bon Jovi can find a new rocking guitarist. We Duranies are thrilled with Dom. Fans will adapt.

We finally know what baby North West looks like. Of course, being a baby, she is adorable. I immediately thought she looked like Kim. Speaking of celebrity babies, Alec Baldwin and his wife Hilaria are the proud parents of a baby girl named Carmen.

I'm giving birth to a new addiction to Carambar candies from France.

Love Fest for Antoinette Tuff

Who cares about the alleged rocky marriage of Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom (okay, I do) when there is Antoine Tuff in the world? TG and I just watched her on our beloved Anderson Cooper's AC360 and we teared up a little. Read about her bravery here. Like AC, I wish she could be on my speed-dial when I need support. She even makes me want to go to church--and I'm not religious. But I would go with her.

Wentworth Miller Comes Out and Disses Russia

When invited to an international film festival in St. Petersburg, godlike Prison Break actor Wentworth Miller declined because, as a gay man, he couldn't.He is my hero of the day. This makes me happy since maybe it's another step toward change.

"I didn't want to tell you but there were a lot of people coughing on our plane," TG said to me this morning, having caught the mother of all colds after we returned from France. But as if I am not hypervigilant on planes. I protect my six. I know who's sneezing, who's quivering in their seat and who's wailing every time there's a bump. I knew we were flying in a petri dish of illness. Now we're both sick divas.

A rumor that Charlie Hunnam might play Christian Grey in 50 Shades of Grey. He is a GREAT choice, though I wonder if by the time the movie comes out no one will care anymore. They need to make the flick now.

David Cassidy busted for DUI. Aw, Keith.

Happy Blue Moon!

Renowned scribe Elmore Leonard has died. I get him mixed up with Hunter S. Thompson (also dead) so when I heard the news, I felt terrible for Johnny Depp who had an affinity with the latter. Then I decided to become informed and searched Wikipedia for a list of Elmore Leonard's works and realized I was mourning the wrong dude and screw Johnny anyway. Doesn't he have enough? RIP to the one responsible for 3:10 to Yuma and Out of Sight, two Dishfaves.

Today I'm disappointed in Simon Cowell for publicly acknowledging his paternity. Why can't he continue dissing everything in sight? Really, Simon? You're going to love sh*tty onesies (Dish doesn't mind them--in fact, TG and I will babysit)?

More important news--Radaronline is alleging that Kim Kardashian had leg fat moved into her butt. Dish has the perfect recipe for a fat butt: the rice and potatoes I had for dinner. Still mourning the loss of Lee Thompson Young. I can't bear to watch Rizzoli & Isles right now.

It's a Good Thing I'm Home

Can I just say that the world went to hell with Dish and TG in France? Three senseless--and young--celebrity deaths (RIP, Lee Thompson Young, Gia Allemand and Lisa Robin Kelly), Criminal Minds's Thomas Gibson catfished (with totally embarrassing hot tub video--and yes, I had to look up what catfished meant) and an online feud between between Perez Hilton and Lady Gaga, Katie Couric and Kim Kardashian. Can we all simmer down, believe in ourselves and take stock of what's good in our lives again?

It's okay now. We're home.

Vacation verdict: It was so wonderful to experience Paris with TG. We dined, walked, spoke French, and our digestive tracts will never be the same. As we took in sumptuous sights, I also realized how much I love being a New Yorker (even though I hate it too, which is so New York).

Bonjour, Mes Amis!

Dish est living it up en France. Je ne sais pas comment j'ai survived le plane mais j'ai did. Nous eatons, walkons, et cloggue les arteries. Une nice vacation avec mon chou chou.