Gettin' It Post-50

As this celebrity-aholic approaches 40, she feels she might as well be 50 or even 60, since life is pretty much going to be this way until the end--with some minor evolutions, multiple shocks and age-related rituals (colonoscopy). So, what else is there to look forward to?

That's where I had to look toward my elders, who are doing it better than anyone else:

1. In Cet-Amour La, Jeanne Moreau--I do a dead-on imitation of her, you can ask my brother--plays Marguerite Duras and bewitches an adoring, twenty-three-year-old writer. They don't show any skin, just some passionate pecks and Jeanne ordering him around, which looked like fun.

2. Diane Keaton gets to sleep with both Jack Nicholson and Keanu Reeves in Something's Gotta Give. I would have chosen Keanu, not only for the obvious reasons, but also so that I could quiz him in medical jargon since he played a doctor.

3. Charlotte Rampling in anything, but most recently, Vers le Sud, where she bumps and grinds with her dude in a swimming pool. And are we surprised she played a cameo role in Basic Instinct 2--okay, yes, given the movie was so heinous?

4. I always love Jacqueline Bisset, who is more sexy now than twenty years ago. I think there's a Lifetime movie where she falls in love with the son of some neighbor--no, wait, that's Lynda Carter...or Susan Lucci. Jacqueline is still amazing.

Just to name a few bodacious over-50 babes... And then there's always Barbra Streisand, mentioned below. Maybe there are a few things to look forward to.

Madge-ku

Wanna be my kid?
Gotta get that damn Jolie
Mommy's prettier

Always be faster
And better than damn Jolie
Check my Pilates

Suddenly, I Fell Asleep

I'm going to see Tennesse Williams's Suddenly, Last Summer off Broadway in a couple weeks and had to prepare myself for being disturbed by freaky elements (ex: like last year's The Pillowman. Did enjoy it even during my panic attack over children being tortured and murdered). I rented the movie, starring Katharine Hepburn, Montgomery Clift and Elizabeth Taylor. How I wanted to be dazzled since old moviestars and classics are supposed to dazzle and remind us of past eloquence. Unfortunately, I had the same reaction as with Hitchcock's Spellbound. ZZZZZZZZZZ. I realize I should be killed since Tennessee Williams is one of the untouchables.

My feeling is that the whole insanity, transference, exploration of the mind, shrink thing seems too self-indulgent and mundane given our world's constant need to analyze, explore and improve one's psychological mind-set. While potentially fascinating sixty years ago, psychoanalysis has been overmined in movies, television, pop culture since.

Will always love Katharine Hepburn but here she seemed too caricaturish to be frightening. As far as scary mothers go, Angela Lansbury of The Manchurian Candidate is more chilling. In my mind, Elizabeth Taylor delivered the best performance. She didn't have to pull her hair or cross her eyes to play a disturbed woman. And yet her last monologue via hypnosis--where she gushes about wearing the white bathing suit and how the people gobbled Sebastien up like animals--was more comical than cathartic. I hope someday to throw a big hissy and have Montgomery Clift there to comfort me at the end. At least, I won't throw it in the middle of a packed theater.

She Can Do As Many Farewell Tours As She Wants

Growing up, I thought she was kind of beautiful. The nose, the mouth, eyes and curviness were a dizzying combination of strength and sexiness. Today, there is truly no one like her rising in the ranks.

I memorized Funny Girl when I wanted to be an actress. Then, when my interests turned strictly to boys, I relished her romantic comedies and those duets she did with stud singers (Don Johnson, Andy Gibb, Kris Kristofferson). I think The Main Event was my favorite, until I saw it recently and got bored.

I lost touch with Barbra during my Duran Duran-obsessed years. Then, she did The Mirror Has Two Faces, which was so hilariously bad, I had to listen to her music again and support her even with the box office bombs. After rewatching The Way We Were, I concluded Robert Redford never loved her because she was too amazing and he was a piece of cardboard--though we admire him for his tireless work with Sundance and NRDC. Barbra is too bright to be with just anyone, but I was secretly overjoyed when at 55, she married James Brolin. And enjoyed a resurgence of popularity with Meet the Fockers. It was kind of a no-brainer when my friend asked me to go see her at Madison Square Garden last night.

When she rose onto the stage, I got chills (which later turned out to be a fever), could barely believe that SHE was in front of me--well, far in front of me since I had a nosebleed seat. The Barbra sang and sang, bantered and flirted, reminding me of life-phases when I listened to her songs through my Sony Walkman. Almost forty years after Funny Girl, she's still kind of beautiful. And has perfect nails. She wore slimming long black jackets and skirt, pants and her signature straight blondish hair shimmered. Even her cleavage was resplendent. She glided in stilettos and took them off when she felt like it. In her rehearsed screw-up of a song, she swore in her fun, spontaneous way. The tired Bush-bashing somehow went over, except with the garrulous moron on the end of our row who booed her political talk. Barbra relayed her eating binge earlier that day, which was refreshing given how celebrities seem food-phobic. It was difficult not to be starry-eyed.

Definitely worth catching her tour and if you miss it, there'll be another one.

Vanished from Vanished...a haiku

Fox, too hot to die
Why you kill me off the show?
Oh, happy dagger!

Ugly Betty: Part Deux

She's So Lovely


It's refreshing to root for a gawky person, especially in movies like Napoleon Dynamite, Welcome to the Dollhouse, Revenge of the Nerds, Sixteen Candles, Mean Girls. Not only are ugly people an easy-to-love stereotype, they show the world the importance of having a big heart underneath the cellulite and acne scars. Ugly Betty is a welcome break from Hollywood beauty--which the above program shows us as the real ugly. Can't say it's the most amazing show I've ever seen, but loveable characters are rare and America Ferrara is a promising young actress.

What's more fun is to mock beautiful people's attempts to seem ugly in movies. Why not get a "real" ugly person to play an ugly character? Isn't that like having straight actors play gay characters?

Here's a list of pretty people who've pretended to be ugly:

Anne Hathaway in The Princess Diaries and The Devil Wears Prada: Sorry, but unless she's vomiting right in front of me, I can't ever see her as unattractive.
Susan Sarandon in The Witches of Eastwick, but then she has sex with Jack Nicholson who removes her glasses and volumizes her hair.
Michelle Pfeiffer in Frankie and Johnny, until she blossoms under Al Pacino sweet, understated love.
Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed. Then the BMOC asks her to prom and the popular girls invite her into their clique. This forces Drew to wear tight shirts and finally show off her stellar rack.
Rachael Leigh Cook in She's All That. Loveliness concealed behind thick glasses and loose fitting smocks (brilliant artiste)...until she puts on a bikini and Freddie Prinze, Jr. notices her for the beauty she is deep inside.
Cher in Moonstruck: She snaps out of her homeliness when Nick Cage asks her to the opera.
Mel Gibson in The Man Without a Face: Seen as a touching piece showing Gibson's artistry but I think he made it to incite people into analyzing the irony of the title, revealing secret narcissism. Alas, now he is The Man Without a Clean Record.
Barbra Streisand in The Mirror Has Two Faces: She courts same hairstyle as Cher in Moonstruck until Jeff Bridges rejects her lusty advance. This makes her get revenge by exercising (and eating a carrot at the same time, which one does on a treadmill), highlighting her hair and dressing like her prostitute character in Nuts.
Charlize Theron in Monster: Okay, so she was kind of uggo.

Friends 4ever! Haiku

We're so friends again
North Korea with a bomb
That's next to France, right?

"Eat" at a bistro
(I'm so much thinner than her)
Photog, check me out

Better than ever
People starving makes me sad
Does my butt look big?

Slugfest -- Haiku

Very hot right now
Please, no news on Iraq, 'kay?
'Coz I'm a actress