L&O SVU--Like Clockwork...

Love how the big guest star is always the villain. Tonight it's Eric McCormack who will always be Will Truman. The only time he wasn't Will to me was when he had a mullet in that Lifetime movie with Roma Downey. She has that Irish lilt. It's so Touched by an Angel. Love Christine Lahti as the bitchy DA.

Big Noos!

Tim to selebrat w/ sum beer! Justine Timbalcake iz splitzvil w/ his gerlfreh ov 3 yrs. Jussica Bile! Dishcat strappin n the sneekies & runin' to LA! But NOT 4 Jussica Bile! I wan Justine. Wile Dish iz sleepin im gonna be N SYNC with heem!

Prostesting Too Much

Allow Dish to put on her shrink cap. The mind of Mel Gibson fascinates me. Take Braveheart. The long tousled hair, the skirts, the makeup, the orgasmic violence. Sex with two deserving, wholesome women--but hidden in the middle of the woods. William really wanted to fight with his porky ginger boys as the girly son of King Longshanks gets thrown out for being such a limpwrist. In his personal life, Mel keeps getting that wife pregnant, proving his sperm is as vital as his box-office testosterone. Put him in manly movies, estrogen comedies and he delivers.

Chaos ensues, Mel gets older, photographed drinking with the skankiest, wet-T-shirt bunnies he could find. The booze makes the Sugar Tit Jews Taking Over the World Nightmares go away.

The Passion of the Christ: If he loves Jesus, he can't be gay. Except Jesus had passion, all right, as his muscles bunched from those beatings, blood rushing through those pulsing veins, his face twisted in erotic agony. Apocalypto: a band of men in loin clothes kill a tapir and make fun of one of the warriors, making him eat the testicles. Hmmmmm. When you begin with a man eating animal balls, isn't something wrong? There are fabulous ass shots, a constant in this Mayan epic. A few years later, Mel leaves his wife, impregnating another woman. Trying so hard. There's only one diagnosis, ladies. I sort of feel bad for him. Until I think of Sugar Tits.

This will probably get me killed. Bear in mind, I love Mel in anything except the films he directs. I'll even watch What Women Want--especially love when he puts on hose and waxes his legs, but in a manly way.

DH and B&S Spoiler--Not a Gale in Sight

Maybe I'm prejudiced in that I feel Gale Harold should be on TV at all times, preferably without his shirt on. While I was in denial through his absence from the Desperate Housewives credits, by 10pm it was clear: Gale is gone. Teri Crapper married Boring Mike again, turning Dana Delaney all crazy-pants. DO YOU BLAME HER? Why would she be friends with that skitzy wh*re after she stole her husband? How could these two fight over one super-soporific dead clunker of a man? My favorite moment was when Felicity Huffman claimed her abs were ruined from having four children, but then you see her rock-hard perfect belly during the ultra-sound on her twins. Brothers & Sisters was a precious spat-fest between Patricia and Sally, who seemed to have misinserted their tampons. Patricia and Ken Olin will do anything to get in the same frame and recreate their Thirty Something cutesiness. Kitty's swollen nodes on her neck: it always starts out with someone having an endless flu and thinking it's nothing. Remember Terms of Endearment--Yeah, IT'S BEEN DONE, WRITERS. Hope Sally will have a screaming Shirley MacLaine sh*tfit to get Kitty her PIILLLLLSSSSS! Why can't one of the male characters get cancer? It's always so the women can wear their beautiful long headscarves, be pale and maybe get nominated for an Emmy. Thank goodness, his Royal Godliness Julian McMahon got breast cancer on Nip/Tuck. Someone on these shows needs to get ball cancer. Or...go gay. Equal treatment, please.

That was more of a rant than I expected. Dish is really feeling the love, planning her wedding and picking out Godiva truffles and large martini glasses in case the groom never shows. A girl is always prepared and just fine as she is.

Polanski's Real Crime...

...was not raping a thirteen-year-old girl but for giving us the crap-on-a-stick movie The Ninth Gate. Basically, he raped our minds with some deadly pretentious flicks (some fabulous, too). Have to say I'm glad he got arrested finally and I wonder if on some level he's relieved. I don't know much about this case as it seems so typical in big business--exploitation of innocence. When I was thirteen, I would have welcomed sex with a powerful director. I also was in love with Donny Osmond and had stuffed animals. At 13, your brain isn't fully formed. I've learned since then and my proclivities are more mature (making bday cards for Simon Le Bon and Julia Roberts--a month early).

Crush of the week: Senator Evan Bayh. Saw him on one of the Sunday gasbag shows. HOT!

Did You Ever Know That You're My Doormat?

Dish rewatched Beaches since girls are supposed to love this story of friendship. I think it's the story of a mouthy, scenery-hogging cow who sh*ts all over her quiet, pretty friend and makes her die. Even at the end when Bette inherits the kid, she doesn't know if she'd be a good mom. Step up to the plate, Frizzy. I hate this classic about as much as The Way We Were, which I've retitled: The Way She Thinks It Was. Bottom line: Hubble Telescope never loved Barbra to begin with. When she started straightening her hair for him, she fried her brains in the process.

So, I'm off for a night of dancing. After maybe 5 hours of sleep for the past two nights, I'm running on fumes. We'll see how long I last. Make no mistake, though, I look amazing.

MAJOR STAR SIGHTING!!! Mr. Beer Sweat Himself, Gerard Butler

6:40 pm, 22nd and 7th: You can't imagine. Dish was sneezing, wheezing, eyes watering all over the neighborhood on the epic walk (did 1 mile) when, shiver me timbers and scottish shortbread cookies, Gerard Butler bounded by me, a slight grin on his fresh face. He wore a baseball cap and his pants were cinched with a belt. Of course, I whipped my head around to check out his behind: very perfect. In fact, he was so cute my gaydar went off. The best part: he didn't look at all greasy. I could have totally made out with him sans Purrell.

The Passion of the Dish

Oatmeal for breakfast, which Dish choked down just barely. Felt sick as a result so of course the most logical thing: chili for dinner. Onto my overexercising regime. I'm about to walk 5 miles. Right now. Yep. Gonna do it. But maybe after I watch Apocalypto, the Mel Gibson flick where a bunch of heathens run around in straw undies and war paint. Cannot wait. Just my thing. Someone I respect said it was genius so I'm giving drunk old Sugar T*ts another shot. It will help distract me from my international infatuation, which will no doubt end in tears: mine.

Best news yet: a new Brothers & Sisters and Desperate Housewives this Sunday. Some juiciness: Callista's whiny character might have cancer. Does this mean we get to see another female main character wear a scarf on her head (hello, Felicity and K. Heigl)? Fetching and def. in line for Emmy nod. Cancer acting is the best.