Long Live Lara

Even though she's had crazy amounts of work done to her face and doesn't eat, I still love Lara Flynn Boyle. While degrading myself with Baby on Board (ran out of Netflix and it's a Watch Instantly because it sucks so hard), I was shocked at my first glance of Lara--those puffy cheeks implants and boatlike jowls. Then her steely voice charmed me back to life. She was the only good part of that movie other than hearing perenial goody-goody John Corbett act like a douche. I will shout my love for Lara from the rooftops. She was amazing on The Practice (nothing hotter than the romantic tension between her and Dylan McDermott), she made me want to be The Temp, and, yes, she did have a fabulous lesbian role on Ally McBeal with Heather Locklear. Bottom line: I just can't look away when she's on screen.

She could do a lot professionally with the next thirty years of her life if she gets her act together. Fix the face and then just stop! If they ever redo Dynasty, she is Alexis.

Really? That's the Best People Magazine Could Do?

For the last several years, People Magazine has chosen the most boring star possible as Sexiest Man Alive. This year is no different with Johnny Depp who wouldn't know a brush if one fell on him. Of course, Dish loves him. He can do any part, makes "interesting choices," and doesn't go the pretty boy route. He famously ignores the press, going so far as to live in France. But beyond his movies, he's not the name on everyone's lips, therefore irrelevant. He's not destroying hotel rooms, getting engaged once a week or inciting squeals from teenage girls. Why can't they pick someone who's under 40?

My choice for Sexiest Man: Chaz Bono. I kid. Maybe that's not funny. Okay, it isn't. Actually, what about Obama? Okay, that's not funny either. Last try: Robert Pattinson. New Moon is about to come out, hormonal moms are squealing over him along with their teenage daughters. Dish thinks someone stepped on his face but is big enough to deem him Dish's Sexiest Man Alive (when it really should go to a Purrelled Gerard Butler, Jon Hamm and Gale Harold--a triple decker sexiest man sandwich).

Star Sighting--Peter Riegert

5:24pm, somewhere on UWS: You can't escape me, pickle salesman. DISH SEES ALL! Peter -- a judge or a lawyer on any show, now The Good Wife -- was shuffling to the mailroom when Dish passed by. He didn't smile like the last time but I can't see nuance with my glasses on.

They Don't Make Bitches Like Amanda Anymore

Dish relented and watched the lame remake of Melrose Place but just to see Amanda Woodward in action again. Heather Locklear excels at slinging insults with a smile, all while kicking butt at the workplace. The young tootsies may partake in forbidden lezbot make-out sessions and leg-spreading on the desk, but Amanda is schmoozing, shaking hands and making sure everyone has a drink. Love her and her adorable squirrel cheeks! At least she has the best work ethic! Oh, and I can totally see why Ashlee Simpson was fired from the show. Her lack of acting talent is unforgiveable.

So much television to watch this week. Tomorrow will be busy: Steve Santagati is on Dr. Phil. People find him sexist (duh!) but his brutality is refreshing to me. He is charming in person and frighteningly smart (and too handsome for words). Then Steven Seagal premieres his new show Lawman online. Dish is so tempted to smoke a doobie in New Orleans, just to get arrested--Seagal-style! Friday, James Franco is on GH. I should earn money for my viewing skills.

Best news of all: TG premieres in Dishland one month from today. The wait has been torture.

It's Not Easy Being Dish

Dinner: Egg whites and cry while throwing out beloved yolk. Run 4 miles...or maybe 2 while loving Kathy Griffin on The Insider (even though hate actual show). Eat gourmet jelly beans after jog, be thankful not cigarette (will whore myself anytime/anywhere for a Parliament or rolled Bali Shag ciggie, please). Use Foucauldian in a sentence to someone who probably doesn't read Foucault (but knows other things Dish doesn't know). Bitchy. Too much work. Not enough Brothers & Sisters. My predictions for the next few episodes:

Sally and Jon do it and something makes their relationship go kaflooey so he can return to The Closer (even though Dish thinks that one is rolling down a steep hill to Cancel Valley). The Wrinkle Sisters bemoan the departure of Gilles but not before Rachel finds out she's pregs. Justin, the stupid junkie son, flunks out of med school because he is too much of an idiot to memorize the spinal cord. My butt could pass that exam and there is nothing dumber than that. Resentment ensues because of Sulky-Pretty-Acty-Fiancee getting knocked up too soon, though let's face it, she'll probably lose the baby which will cause double the angst so she'll go back to that lizard-Pattinson-wannabe-uggo who's trying to destroy the Walkers. Moral of the story for everyone on the show: Keep Your Damn Legs Closed.

ps. Did Dish call it that Clockfart got Lowed in between chemo treatments? Love ABC now!

Oh, January

I keep giving SNL one last chance but last night blew it. I adore sweet January Jones who plays the clinically depressed Betty on Mad Men. She just isn't meant for this venue. Dish supports people who try really hard to be good (Keanu Reeves) but this was my limit. The writing is just too unfunny. The farting Grace Kelly skit was amusing the first thirty seconds. You never expect someone so elegant and lovely to let one rip.

Re Brothers & Sisters : Do any of the Walker women have sex at the same time? It seems not. Gilles served his stud time and now it's Jon Tenney's turn. We know Calista and Rob stopped fornicating when he had his heart attack. Her lymphoma doesn't help matters though perhaps ABC will be edgy and show her coping with her illness and getting down to business. Let's value multi-tasking, people: serious illness, sex and pizza.

Bringing On the ZZZZs

Dish showed off the glamorous life by taking coins to the Penny Arcade at TD Bank. It's not that I'm poor, I just need to create space in my apartment and the coins helped me validate a manicure. Then I watched Dexter. Yep, that's about it. Are we excited? I did scour the streets for celebs and fluffed my hair. When I got around 22nd Street, I scanned the area for Gerard Butler--you know, just in case. It might have been too early in the afternoon...

No celebs, no real news. Oh wait, sure there is: How much do I not want to see 2012? Strap a kid on your back as you run from the tidal wave, it increases the Awwww factor. Though perhaps it'll give John Cusack's career a boost. There's an example of how a funny looking person can become a sexy star. I enjoy him.

One Less Crazy Fat Man on TV

Is anyone upset that Lou Dobbs is off CNN? Yeah, Dish neither (though I'm sure he's a nice man). TG reminded me that if all the crazies go off the air, then PC Fascism will have won the battle and how psychotic would that be? I don't want to see all Begala, Maddow, Carvilles on TV, just as FoxNews shouldn't run the world. I like some Cheetos with my tofu. I guess tofu would be Obama. I accept him as remarkable and healthy but I have to add a lot of sauce to choke him down (go Hillary!!!) and he gives me gas. My secret watching of Bill O'Reilly or Glenn Beck is nothing more than amusement that is ultimately bad for me. I'm sure if I touched either of these crazy bastards, I'd get this icky orange powder on my fingers.

By the way, Dish might be on the radio next week. Details to come. Dish definitely has a face for camera, but voice for radio, not so much. Still the Dish content will be excellent. Still I'm going to start chain-smoking right this second to get my Lauren Bacall back.