Celebrities Have Problems, I Fix Them in 30 Seconds

Brandi and LeAnn: Keep the feud going forever, please. $$$$

Kim Kardashian: Kris should have his freaking annulment. 72 days is not a real crack at marriage.The fact that there's still no deal means they both want to keep it going. KK gets everything she wants already.

Chris Brown and Rihanna: This will play itself out, sadly. I scroll past 95% of their news because it bores me.

The fact that body parts will be covered up for the Grammys: There will be rule breaking, by Pink and those  who need eccentricity to hide lack of talent. And just because they are artists and hate being told to hide their creamy mounds creativity.

I give up! My pocketbook can't keep up with the Housewife products: the books, the songs, the shoe lines, the jean stores, the hooker couture dresses, the exercise videos, the booze and the jewelry.

Film critic Rex Reed slams the movie Identity Thief and insults Melissa McCarthy for being "tractor-sized." I dunno, the review is pretty heinous. The overweight comic relief is a crappy movie/TV husband trope (Chris Farley, I miss you), but this review seemed to repeatedly hit hard on McCarthy's weight rather than her talent. Some people didn't "get" Bridesmaids or watch Gilmore Girls and Mike & Molly. Did Chris Farley get that kind of abuse? Well, Chris Christie definitely does so maybe it's not a girl thing. The bottom line is I like Jenny Melissa McCarthy as she is. Yes, she's overweight. There might be health problems. She's kind of hot, too, adorable, smart, really funny and appealing. She's probably happier than the other lollipops because, if anything, her handlers probably want her to eat more. Eating makes you happy. And who cares anyway? There's a blizzard outside. Duane Reade is closed and I can't rush to get my Entemann's fix, which suxxxxxx. Here's the future for McCarthy: Jenny Craig might call her, she'll slim down, look all drawn and then get hired to perform on Smash. Yes, I want J-Hud to gain 20 pounds! There, I said it.

And now, I'm going to tune in and see my friend Langdon on Langdon Nation. The man who tried to be the bride at my wedding... He performs live on http://tradiov.com/la/ at 9pm ET.