Legendary Flatulence

I Am Legend was not bad. Parts of it resembled Road Warrior, with the speeding car, the dog--who you know is going to bite it. Will Smith was fine. He's a legend because he discovers the cure--I so didn't see that coming. I sort of liked Smith better in Hitch, though the fat guy was missing from this one. Question: Why are all primal rabid night seekers so sculpted? Not a single bloated couch potato in the bunch. Now I know how to have a hot bod--get a virus that turns me into a raging cannibal. I'm almost there.

And the evening ended with my mother trying to feed me and our watching videos of celebrities farting on Youtube. http://youtube.com/watch?v=_9c3YhDLpmU

Now that's legendary.

Cosmic Goddesses

My favorite couple this week:

I never thought I'd ever see such powerhouses sharing the same frame. Madonna and Sharon Stone should totally do a movie together and scratch each other's eyes out. They're like twins.

In other news, I can't report on hearsay anymore. Rumors of a Keanu-Winona alliance are erroneous. We are powerless. We can't fabricate, orchestrate or destroy celebrity romances. If only...

Tom would have stayed with Mimi (and Dish could brag about knowing Mimi's ex-husband and it would mean something).

Wearing heels, Nicole would have still broken into Hollywood, with some pretty young thing on her arm instead of walking three steps behind her first husband.

Katie would have still dumped Chris Klein and made funky indie movies. We would have seen her raunchy scene in Thank You for Not Smoking--though you can still see her topless in The Gift.

Julia would have never married Lyle because we just don't get that part of her life. Or the Kiefer years.

Jane Fonda would have kicked Ted Turner's ass to the curb so much sooner and returned to making movies.

Anne and Ellen would not have annoyed us for three years. We like her so much more now with Portia Di (who was the least irritating person on Ally McBeal)

Britney would have resisted K-Fed, helping us all strive for more than mediocrity.

But through all of this, Kevin Kline and Phoebe Cates would stay together.

Couple Gossip

Supposebly, Keanu and Winona Ryder are making sweet love on the set of their new movie. How could he go out with that little boy?

Dish can't even speak...

Maybe a little--I mean, why didn't they get this overwith during Bram Stoker's Dracula? Though, come to think of it, I wouldn't have hooked up with Keanu then either. That British accent of his was hideous!

I'm totally going to start shoplifting now. Oh, it doesn't matter. They all wind up with Angelina in the long run.

Eating Roast Beef and Watching Fat Actress

In honor of Kirstie Alley's lack of thinness, I prepared a roast beef sandwich with extra mayo, (and a Godiva bar) and settled down to watch Fat Actress. I loved me some Cheers back when I was 5 and spending serious time in bars, but all this girl does is shriek, whine about fatness and employee Scientologists. Dish will watch tons of BAD, BAD stuff, but even I can't get the second disk. My intelligence has been insulted, even more than with Steven Seagal's Today You Die. It made me wonder (in Sex and the City style): Does Kirstie Alley think we obsess about her fat? I kinda don't care. Just make the shrieking stop!

One amazing point from the show, guys can be heifers and celebrated in TV/films. It's a little sickening. But I will drown this thought in chocolate and lard.

Is Nicole Really Pregnant?

Forgive the evilness of Dish's latest conspiracy theory. It's paranoia derived from Bree's fake pregnancy on Desperate Housewives. Since Nicole announced her pregnancy and the bump photos appeared, something seems off--along with Nicole's new collagen asslips. If we go by reports of how far along she is, shouldn't she be showing more? She could be one of those annoying females that stays thin and pops right at the end. I won't believe any pregnancy until I see it shooting out the vadge, or more likely, coming from a scheduled C-section.

I used to love Nicole until I noticed in Birth that she'd had massive amounts of work done. Plus, Margot at the Wedding Left a Bad Taste in My Mouth. I'm not sure why something so superficial could taint my love, but perhaps, it'll return (with a decent movie and less plastic surgery!).

It's Official: Teri Hatcher Has Ruined My Life

For the following reasons:

1. She married Jon Tenney, Dish's supreme crush since Equal Justice.

2. She got to be a part of the man-sandwich deliciousness that is Tango & Cash.

3. That squeaky bubble gum voice is like the Pied Piper.

4. She has made an art out of stumbling, which has always been Dish's forte. No one sends glassware crashing to the floor better than I do.

5. Lois & Clark--well, actually scratch that. Dean Cain does nothing for Dish.

6. She gets to revive her career in Desperate Housewives. There is no one more desperate or domestic than Dish.

7. She's a brunette, which is so much more sought after than red hair (you can disagree but you'd be wrong).

8. She was on the Ellen DeGeneres show and Dish has never had the pleasure.

9. She's probably met Duran Duran though no evidence as yet.

10. Her name is often in the New York Times Crossword puzzle, reminding me of her treachery.

And the worst of all offenses:

Without even the slightest effort, she got to make out with Gale Harold.

(Disclaimer: This is not life-ending since Dish prefers Gale over that snoresville plumber/ carpenter she married on the show)

Since My Hairguru Brought It Up

Dish is reluctant to deal with W. issues, but John The Hair God brought it up:

Jenna's hair was UNspectacular for her wedding. I wear my hair like that all the time (when it's blond and semi-manageable) and you'd think W's daughter could fork over the cash to fly John in to AT LEAST puff up her hair like that of a good ol' Texas girl. Dish likes the chunky white dress since texture can be lovely. The hair kills it. If I ever get married (to Gale Harold who's on DH tonight!), hair is my first consideration--because John would murder me in my sleep if I ignored this issue--and then I'll slather on some thick purple Mary Kay on my eyelids.

Of the Bushes, Dish kind of likes Jenna because of her once-reckless partying ways, the fact that she wrote a book about a mother with AIDS (or did someone else write it) and she was a little mysterious about possibly liking a Democrat running for office. She's got some sass up her ass. Well, now she's married so that might deflate her balloon.

Speaking of balloons, I might need one inserted in my arteries to unclog them. Dish gorged herself at aunt and uncle's (the ones who spawned the fabulous rocker cousin who is playing for Bob Schneider again on Monday!): chocolate pie, honey dijon chips, danishes, pancakes, NY strip steak, guacamole with tortilla chips, baked potatoes, more chips, asparagus (which they told me would make my pee stink and it did) and whiskey. Bless 'em.

Gale Harold Countdown

I wondered what important event was happening this weekend aside from drinking my aunt and uncle's scotch up in Connecticut. And then my calendar zinged me: Gale Harold on Desperate Housewives finale this Sunday night!

Now he might be an interesting choice for Aniston and it would make him even famouser.