What If...

1. Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck accidentally kissed?
2. We paid a little extra for health care?
3. Dish smoked one eensie weenie filterless cigarette?
4. Lady Gaga ruled the world?
5. Obama repealed the Don't Ask, Don't Tell rule and let gays marry?
6. Cougartown went off the air?
7. Dish didn't go to the gym today?
8. Gerard Butler showed a little more frontal nudity in his movies?

Would any of this be so bad????

Dish is off to see Surrogates, starring the human eraser Bruce Willis. More and more, I get the urge take his head to my manuscripts and rub off my pencil mistakes. Hoping the flick is not a piece of congealed piss one might find in Dishkitty's litterbox.

Warts and All

As TG and I get to know each other again after 26 years, the truth needs to come out. Dish was known in high school as being absolutely batsh*t for Duran Duran--wrote a 50-page term paper, lived, breathed and pretended to be them (fedora on Dish was not a good look). So...nothing's changed. Trying to restrain myself from sending TG my list of favorite Duran Duran songs so I'll give you that pleasure:

Favorite DD song of all time: Girls on Film
To Get in the Mood: Tempted or Late Bar
When I'm pissed: I Don't Want Your Love
DD song that makes me cry: She's Too Much
When mourning a loss: Michael
Latest Song I've Been Obsessed with for the Last Year: The Valley (and I don't understand it. This one puts me on another plane--THE HAPPY PLANE)
Best Dancing: The Reflex (memorized Simon's moves and can bust into them at any moment)
Song That Makes Me Laugh Because It's Kinda Bad: White Lines (I would take a bullet for Simon but this one stunk to high heaven)
Their Best Cover: Come Up and See Me
Ahead of Its Time: Too Much Information

I could go on, but maybe I'll save it for TG. He keeps bringing up how much he loves Britney Spears's Womanizer, which means we may be evenly matched. POP FOREVER!

Like Rachel Zoe, I Die

Dish woke up with a crick in the neck and can't move it to the right. The only thing that would get me to turn quickly is if Julia Roberts walked by me or if someone dropped a briefcase in the courtroom like on that episode of The Brady Bunch. Luckily, after three hours of Skype-ing with The Groom, I am basking in the healing powers of love.

While I would never get it myself (wink wink), Botox really seems like no big deal. The gorgeous Vanessa Williams was touting the joys of Botox on Rachael Ray today. What better endorsement? Vanessa is always feverishly beautiful and doesn't look as if she's had anything done (maybe a little). If I were in front of a camera, I'd get the same treatment. Easy for me to say.

Heavy Douchebaggery

Dish is v. sneaky. Stricken with testosterone poisoning, the Dishbrain isn't functioning properly (66 days until reunion with The Groom after 26 years--will it even happen?). It's 12:47 am (ET) and I just remembered to DISH! After ten months of faithful posting, I made one slip. So I readjusted my blog-time to Pacific Time, therefore, it's before midnight. Let's pretend I'm in Los Angeles. Dish is not in her Chelsea apartment, watching Snapped.

Today, my thoughts are with Erica Wang who was ditched on her wedding day by high profile chef Todd English. How rude, then leaving her with a 12K bill. Whenever I feel I've had it rough in romance, I'll remember this. Not even this close has Dish experienced such love despair.

You know English's excuse will probably be "I'm only human." That seems to be the big thing these days. So much face-offing on TV shows, telling jokes about bad behavior, "setting the record straight," helping the world understand one tiny jackass's true intentions in defiling a staff, leaving eight children and leaving a bride high and dry after promising her the moon. For all the dodos, I will quote Woody Harrelson from his new movie Zombieland, "Nut up or shut up."

It's good advice for us all.

Have Faith!

You must go to this website http://www.atheistchristmas.org/ to hear Simon Le Bon read his essay on being an atheist. It’s intense, he quotes Socrates and you hear his British accent. Dish is seething with lust and admiration for his thinking skills. The poor little schmoopie doesn’t believe in reincarnation so please let him come back as my personal slave in the next life. I would make him sing in a Speedo and do my dusting. Speaking of which...

What's in a Name?

So Jennifer Lopez, aka J.Lo, is pulling a P.Diddy-Puff-Daddy-Diddy name change and has adopted the new moniker "Lola." Dish, too. You may now refer to Dish as P. Titty. It's hip and they are exquisite.

On this lovely Saturday, I watched The Changeling. I tend to agree with J.J.'s take on Clint Eastwood here. He presents a black/white Spielbergesque flick where you must feel only one thing (cue music, get angry here, feel sense of injustice here). Clint is far more gritty and less sentimental, but it's paint-by-numbers film-making. Gran Torino has more layers. Angelina looks like a cartoon character with the red lipstick and she should have been told to put on weight. In any case, the story is spectacular. Dish just wasn't wowed by how it was told.

Dish's Bucket List

I'm lucky in that I've mostly done what I've wanted. But there are a few things that I'd still love to accomplish--the first item being the only one I'd sacrifice limbs for:

1. Tell Duran Duran in person how profoundly they made my life better but I wouldn't go into detail because it bores even me. (I'd need a tranquilizer)
2. Dance all night in a boom-boom club with Brian Kinney.
3. Sure, I'd have an affair with any of the above but since that's not appropriate, I'll just go out for a hot fudge sundae. I keep dreaming of ice cream/hot fudge/whipped cream/nuts but never actually go out and have one. Must do.
4. Spend the day knitting with Julia Roberts and sharing patterns.
5. Shadow Hillary Clinton up to the point where she gets sick of me.
6. Get through Swann's Way (am only on p. 34) because reading Proust will set me apart (as a masochist).
7. Be in the news, but not for a catastrophe (already been done--twice).
8. Hang out with real live elephants.
9. Tap dance like Gene Kelly, as long as the teacher isn't a jerk.
10. Go out drinking with Jane Lynch.

My loved ones already know I love them so I won't include that. I love you, loved ones. There, now that it's on Dish, it's official.

Leave It to America...

...to sh*t on something beautiful. I could mean just the American media but what's the reaction when Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize? WTF did he win for because he didn't do anything. Are you kidding me? Can't we look at the big picture of the last nine years when W. got into pissing contests all over the globe? Maybe this prize is a symbolic first step that the world appreciates Obama's efforts to rectify some of the damage the U.S. has done. I barely voted for Obama (Hillary 4ever) but even I see he's been bending over backwards and forwards to communicate with everyone. He can't catch a break--try to overhaul health care, he's going to kill old people. Talk with Iran, he's getting us into another war. Go on TV to talk to America, why isn't he working in his office. Take Michelle out for their anniversary, he should be fixing the world. He multi-tasks, ugh, he's being too radical and doing too much. What the hell do people want?

On a lighter note, I just watched 17 Again and am now in love with Zac Affront (Efron). He's a triple threat, most likely gay. Love is blind.